Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your studious doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel along with my erudite associate Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel.
Today we are doing a doggie logic treatise on human behavior. As you may have noticed lately, there’s a TV ad that’s been appearing on almost every commercial break that urges male humans to give a giant teddy bear to their favorite female human on Valentine’s day. Our ghostwriter says that if Dad ever got her that, she would punch him in the nose*. Yipes! However, other female humans would love to receive a giant teddy bear as a gift from their favorite male. What’s going on here? Joey dog and I did a bit of research and found out that regarding giant teddy bears, there are different types of humans.
1. The squee type
2. The non-squee type
The squee type will always be delighted by cute, stuffed animals, and will react to receiving a giant teddy bear by saying squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This will often be accompanied by a big smile, clapping, hugs and kisses, and sometimes a “come hither” facial expression. At least that’s what’s shown in the TV ad. The non-squee type thinks a giant teddy bear is for little children, and not an appropriate gift for an adult. We can tell by our ghostwriter’s facial expressions whenever that ad appears that she is the non-squee type.
It’s interesting to note that both of these types will readily say squee when viewing and/or interacting with real doggies and kitties, especially puppies and kittens, and also small children. Often both types will participate happily in social media about pets. (There is a third type of human that never says squee about anything. We doggies call that type the Grrrrr-ump type.)
Ghostwriter says many male humans are not adept at distinguishing if their favorite female human is the squee or the non-squee type. Or else they themselves are the squee type and can think of nothing better than giving a giant teddy bear as a gift to anyone for any occasion. Ghostwriter also says it is generally not acceptable human behavior to punch someone in the nose for such a gift. Dad, of course, knows the proper Valentine's gift comes from Stever's in Rochester NY. (Find them at: www.steverscandy.com ) In fact, it is proper human etiquette to say thank you and pretend you are grateful for the gift so as not to injure the giver’s ego. However, this creates a conundrum. What should the receiver of the giant teddy bear do with said toy? Fortunately the Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a answer.
FREE GIANT TEDDY BEAR SHREDDING SERVICE FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY**
So now you can have logical explanation for the destruction and disposal of the giant teddy bear. If you cannot send your giant teddy bear to us within this time period, never fear. We also offer a few creative excuses for how your giant teddy bear got destroyed or why it’s missing.
1. It fell into the wood chipper machine.
2. The juggler I was watching dropped a chain saw on it.
3. The Evil Squirrel Cartel took it and used it to line their winter headquarters.
4. The (cat, dog, bunny, hamster, etc.) peed on it.
5. The (cat, dog, bunny, hamster, etc.) is using it as a bed.
6. My car got stuck in the snow and I needed to use something for traction.
7. I donated it to the children’s hospital.
8. I gave it to a little child.
We asked our human females what they would do if they received a giant teddy bear as a gift. Here are their answers:
I said I wanted a blow torch for Valentine's day, Dan. A blow torch!
The Kitten Overlord (Maddie Cat) does not allow other cute and fuzzy things in her domain.
You don't wish to enrage the Kitten Overlord do you? I think not!
That concludes our report. We wish you a wonderful Valentine’s experience, and hope our research aids you in your choice of gift.
*The opinions expressed are not necessarily the opinions of The Daily Bone.
**Offer good from February 14 to February 20.