Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Our Scandalous Nature

Hello there. I'm Chester L. W. Spaniel, and this is The Daily Bone. Welcome one and all, and I hope you brought your squeaky toys.


I have noticed that on the news we are being bombarded with reports of scandals. As soon as we learn about one, another one pops up. They're everywhere! I can't even decide which one I want to talk about. So instead, I thought I'd tell you about something completely different.

In late April we found a robin's nest in the bushes in front of our house. We were very lucky to be able to see it from the window and take pictures. It took only two weeks for the baby robins to hatch and grow big enough to fly away. Apparently nature is not without its own scandals. You'll notice there were three babies at first. However, in the last picture there were only two. Those two babies decided one day to sit on top of the third one and smother it. Then the mother bird threw it out of the nest. Wow. I wonder what that little birdie did to deserve this kind of treatment? 

I imagine you can make this into a metaphor for any of the scandals going on in the news. But I'm just going to say it was survival of the fittest. And that's a memo.

If Dogs Worked in Offices

This site (address below) has been approved by the Squeaky Party. Doggies Rule! 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


This is The Daily Bone! I am your doggie host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party, where we believe squeaky toys will save the world from the forces of evil. 

I am very excited today. I just learned a new vocabulary word: filibuster! It means talking for a long time. If you do this in Congress, then everyone has to listen until you’re done, even if you talk all day. Wow! I can do that!

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark …

No one is allowed to yell shut up at me! Hahahahahah!

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Wow this is fun! I could bark all day! My enthusiastic associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens will step in if I need a break. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

We can both bark at the same time too, and it sounds like this: bark woof bark woof bark woof bark woof bark woof bark woof bark woof bark woof bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark woof woof woof bark.

I could squeak a squeaky toy for a long time too, but it’s kind of a pain to type squeak squeak squeak a hundred times.

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Filibustering is fun! I should run for Congress next election. No more really dumb laws, unaffordable pork barrel spending, or sneaky tax hikes will be passed if I’m around. I’m a natural at filibustering! 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Convoluted Conundrum and Aliens Too

Greetings, and welcome to The Daily Bone. I am your watchful and humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Spaniel.

Today’s vocabulary word is “convoluted.” It means intricately folded, twisted, or coiled, or extremely complex. Apparently somebody thought it was a good idea to tie all my chewed up squeaky toys together into a convoluted mess. Oh hardie-har-har. I hope you had a good laugh at my expense. However, as I struggled to untangle this conundrum, I was struck with a bit of irony. The TV was showing a news report about the new immigration laws being voted on today.

But first you’ll have to understand my opinion on immigration. I have had the experience of foreign creatures coming into my house and living here for a while. They are: Maddie Cat, Grover Bird, Frankie Bird and the two parakeets. Here they are pictured below. (The parakeets declined to be photographed.) All of these folks had the courtesy to ask permission to stay here temporarily. They were mostly polite and unassuming, except sometimes Maddie Cat hissed at me and my tolerant associate Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, and the birds whistled occasionally. They didn’t eat our doggie food, pretty much kept to themselves, and then they moved out. I think if they overstayed their visas, I would be OK with that. After all, Maddie Cat signed a treaty with me to help keep the house free of flying insects, and carried out this task admirably.

Grover Bird

Frankie Bird

Maddie Cat

Squirrels are a different story altogether. Members of the evil Squirrel Cartel, their proteges, the notorious CCC (Conniving Chipmunk Consortium) plus an assortment of sneaky, nocturnal rodents collectively referred to as “Mousies,”  illegally cross the border into our yard and steal bird seeds all the time! Occasionally, lone operatives of the Bunny Militia conduct raids across our borders for unknown reasons. Joey dog had a suspicion that the rutabaga peels in the compost pile might also be subject to larceny, and therefore ate them just to be on the safe side. I’m sure our humans will soon be complaining about his gaseous emissions, but that’s beside the point. Because of our diligence, and acute sense of smell, we have recently uncovered dastardly plans by the Squirrel Cartel to steal pears from our tree. Joey dog and I have been hard pressed to keep surveillance on them all, and have spent a lot of time patrolling the yard in the summer heat to prevent them from carrying out this crime. These are illegal aliens which we would like to ban.

So, getting back to convoluted messes, I heard the reporters on the News say that the imminent Immigration Reform Bill, which at first, seemed fairly reasonable and easy to understand, was now loaded with so-called pork barrel spending. This means that in return for voting for this bill, some senators were promised federal money to fund their own little wasteful spending projects. All of this was rolled up and contorted into a conglomeration of legalese junk that topped twelve hundred pages, and no one had the patience to read it all. Why can’t we pass laws that are simple? If it were up to me, I’d say the Government shall not pass any more of these complicated bills until I sort out my knotted squeaky toys. I can assure you that I most definitely am going to sleep on that for a long time too. 


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Climate Change

Greetings. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel.

Our president is going to be talking to other countries about climate change. I though it would be a good time to post a TDB I wrote last winter about just that subject, and here it it:

Today I’d like to talk about climate change. Apparently there are people who think it is entirely our fault the climate is changing. They say we must take drastic actions, and spend lots of money to battle the threat of climate change. My question to this is, why do people think the climate should never change? While I’m not an expert on these things, from watching educational television shows, I have learned that the Earth has been around for billions of years, and has changed a lot during that time. I’ve even heard that 99% of all species that have lived here are now extinct! Given this information, how can the humans be so arrogant as to think things will never change, and species will never go extinct? Do they think a river will never flood just because they built their houses there? Do they think the ocean will never rise just because they built a city beside it, and that hurricanes will hardly ever happen? Why is everyone so surprised about things like this?

I had a talk with my esteemed associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel about this concept. We decided to look out the window for a long time to try and see this change going on. Today it was very cold out. Sometimes it was sunny, sometimes cloudy. It snowed for a little while. It was light in the morning, and dark in the evening. Wow! Things are changing like crazy! Then we went out to detect the signs of global warming. We couldn’t find any in the snow! Then we thought about our environment in the backyard in the long term. Sometimes the grass is long and wet, and other times it’s short and dry. There are no leaves on the trees today, but we know if we wait long enough the leaves will grow back. There are times when there is a lot of water and mud on the ground, but other times it’s hard as a rock. What’s wrong with all that?

My advice to the humans is, embrace the change. Change is interesting. Who knows what wonderful things are yet to come through the process of evolution? Weather changes all the time. Get over it. If you feel guilty about it, then stop driving around so much and stay home and play with your doggies more. Go for long walks. Recycle things. Most importantly, don’t buy so much junk. (Do you really need twenty pairs of shoes, four dozen shirts, fifty pairs of pants, and two hundred socks that were all made in China? Think about that in terms of the amount of pollution produced whilst manufacturing and shipping your junk.) Bury the doggie poop under the tree so it will grow better. Give your doggies the leftover broccoli, and start a compost pile. Drink water from the tap instead of from plastic bottles. (Duh!) Stop putting chemicals on your grass. Who really cares if there are a few weeds and bare spots? And, if overpopulation is a problem where you live, then stop reproducing so much! Sheesh! That’s a no-brainer! Joey dog and I don’t have any offspring and it doesn’t bother us. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ironing Board Man Rides Again!

 Hi there! This is The Daily Bone, where super heroes live, and I’m your super-excited host 
Chester L. W. Spaniel.

Hooray, it’s Ironing Board Man! See, I told you he exists. (If you don’t know who Ironing Board Man is, just scroll down to the end of this blog—you might have to click back to older posts—and read all about him.) As you can see in the photos below, there is Big Ironing Board Man, who made the ground shake when he went by, and Little Ironing Board Man. Wow! What’s more, he works for us. He and a whole bunch of his friends have been hard at work paving the street in front of our house. Last week he brought a gigantic machine that looked like a dinosaur that tore up the old street and spewed it into dump trucks. Yesterday he had a big green monster machine that took asphalt from the dump trucks and laid it down neatly all around the block. Then Ironing Board Man drove around over it several times until he was sure it was perfectly flat.

Why do I think he works for us? Well the signs on all the dump trucks said Town of Henrietta, and that's where we live. My humans told me they have been paying property taxes for the last thirty years, and that adds up to more than $60,000! Wow! So this is proof of our tax dollars at work for us. It was such a momentous occasion that we got out lawn chairs and sat in the front yard to watch and take pictures. Some of the neighborhood kids sat on the grass to watch too. It was a lot more fun than watching computer generated super heroes on TV. Thank you, thank you Ironing Board Man and all your hard-working friends! Now we’ll have a nice smooth road to drive on. You’re my favorite super hero!

Little Ironing Board Man
Big Ironing Board Man
There's a baby Ironing Board Man too!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Boring Phone Call

Good evening. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your secret doggie host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party.

The NSA is collecting all your phone calls in order to screen out possible terrorist activity. Some people think this is an invasion of privacy. I’m of two minds about this. First, now that the terrorists know this, they’ll find other means of communicating, like snail mail maybe. Second, I can’t think of anything more boring than listening to billions of phone calls. In fact, maybe they should start using them as a form of torture. Imagine how fast a would-be terrorist would spill his guts if he had to listen to your phone calls for hours and hours! To prove my point, you can listen in on my next phone call to my esteemed colleague, Special Agent Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, and here it is:

bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark evil squirrels in my tree bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark they're planning to steal pears and bird seed from my yard bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark constant surveillance bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark high speed chase bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark spray them with the hose bark bark bwa ha ha ha ha ha bark bark bark watch out for mud bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark and yum yum patrol at five sharp bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark how about the crummy weather we’ve had lately bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark leftover fish in the dog bowl bark bark mashed potatoes and corn bark bark bark bark squeaky toys bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark OK bye.

Wow, that was so boring I put myself to sleep!

The government also might be checking out your email. Again, everyone is worried about privacy. Never mind that you have already voluntarily provided tons of information about yourself on things like Facebook. How do you think your server knows which ads to put on the sidebar? Every e-store you go to is using your buying patterns to figure out what you will be interested in buying the next time you visit. Well, surprise!


Tell Me When It's Over!

Here is a TDB that I wrote right after the 2013 presidential inauguration.

Good afternoon. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your host Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party. Our slogan is squeaky toys for everyone!

I have decided to not pay so much attention to politics now, but I can’t help but notice the talk on TV about the debt ceiling. OK, first there was a fiscal cliff. Then there was the slippery slope about guns and crazy people. And now the ceiling keeps going up. Why am I starting to feel like that coyote guy in a Looney Tunes cartoon?

Let’s think about this in terms of squeaky toys. If I have ten wonderful, beautiful, delightful squeaky toys that I earned by working hard all year, it is a great thing. But the government wants to take three of them to help pay for things like protecting us from enemies, building roads, and for scientific research. OK, that’s fair enough. That’s what government is for. Then they said they want me to give them another one to help pay for everyone who doesn’t have a squeaky toy. Still, I’m OK with that. Everybody should have at least one squeaky toy. But now, in spite of all my help, they still don’t have enough squeaky toys. In fact, they owe sixteen trillion squeaky toys to someone else. I can barely wrap my doggie brain around that number. Nevertheless, I said I would be willing to be a good citizen this one time, and give them yet another couple of my precious squeaky toys to help fix this debt. (So why is this hole not filled up yet?) On top of all that, they want to say it’s OK to owe even more squeaky toys by raising the debt ceiling. What kind of idiot idea is that? Grrrrrr! So, getting back to my squeaky toys, now there are only four left, and I’m starting to get sad. Then I have to give two more to pay for my health care, and everybody else’s too. Hey, where did that come from? Now I’m down to two! I don’t think I can make it through the year with only two squeaky toys! But they’re not done yet. There is going to be a tax on the air I exhale. There goes one more squeaky toy. Somebody, please, drop an anvil on me now!

Well, after all that is said and done, everybody will have one squeaky toy, including me. There was a big parade and party in Washington a couple days ago, (how many squeaky toys were sacrificed for this gala?) and everyone was cheering about it. They say now everything will be fair and we’ll all be equal. I think I’m going to have to take back my idea about everybody having at least one squeaky toy. Only one squeaky toy a year is very depressing indeed, especially when I worked very hard to earn ten of them. What, then, is my motivation to keep working if I have to give it all away? And there is still a big giant hole, with no top and no bottom, that’s going to get bigger and bigger, and no one will be left who can fill it with squeaky toys because we will all have only one squeaky toy each. What will happen when I have no squeaky toys left to give? I think I’m going to hide now. Tell me when it’s all over!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Extreme Grooming

 Welcome to The Daily Bone. I am your humble and sensibly groomed doggie host, 
Chester L. W. Spaniel.

Today I was shown some pictures of extreme dog grooming. It was the first time I actually appreciated being color blind! This is an absolute disgrace and an insult to doggies everywhere. I certainly hope that all you dyed, painted and shaven doggies have the good sense to go out immediately and roll on the nearest dead fish you can find! Then, I recommend you run through lots of bushes and brambles, and tromp around in some good honest mud. In addition, make sure you bring a great big dingle-berry into the house and scooch it off on the carpet in protest to the absurd grooming job you were subjected to. A big slurping drink from the toilet bowl, followed by a vigorous shake would help too. You're a doggie, not a squeaky toy, so stand up for yourself! Hmmph!

My conservatively coifed associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel and I are eternally grateful to our wonderful groomer, Miss Jacquie at Southtowne Vet Hospital. Thank you for the simple bath and buzz cut we get every six weeks! It keeps us from getting overheated in the summer, and loaded down with snowballs in the winter. We are generally free of matts, and glad we’re not poodles. We look like what normal doggies should look like: solid buff for Joey dog, and spots and freckles for me! Hooray! 

Monday, June 10, 2013

Greetings Earthdoggies!

Greetings Earthdoggies!
Hello, and welcome to The Daily Bone. I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Spaniel. Hold on to your squeaky toys, or else babies will take them!

Yesterday miniature human, Ryan, arrived for a visit in his special transportation space pod. Wow, I wish I had one of those things. All he has to do is sit in it and he gets carried everywhere in plush, hovering comfort.

Somehow, he has managed to get bigger since the last time I saw him. What’s more, he seems to be making use of his hands now. He patted me on the head and grabbed my ears, and that was all right. But then a strange thing happened. A certain squeaky toy, which I have been eyeing for years in its shrine on the shelf, high above my reach, next to the sacred box of ashes of our patron saint, Old Charisma, suddenly appeared in his little baby hands. Then he tried to cram it into his mouth, similar to what I would do upon receipt of such a valuable toy. I worried that he might take the stuffing out. This, of course, has always been my job exclusively, and I take great pride in it. There hasn’t been a squeaky toy yet that I haven’t been able to unstuff, even the so-called indestructible ones, like the one in the photo below. But I digress. In spite of my protest, Ryan was allowed to play with this wonderful, coveted, and highly collectible squeaky toy. Then it magically disappeared. Later, a plastic rattling type toy appeared in his possession, but I don’t have jurisdiction over this class of objects.

We proceeded to have dinner, and my culinary associate Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel and I engaged in our usual mealtime activity: food watching. Baby Ryan seemed to be doing the same. He sat staring at the delicious spare ribs, creamy potato salad, and freshly steamed green beans with butter, drooling just as much as we doggies were, but wasn’t allowed to have any. The humans said he was not old enough for this kind of food yet. Joey dog remarked that this is a sign that we have at least something in common with this little person. Maybe he will eat things off the floor like we do too. Hey, I can teach him to catch and eat bugs!

After a while, he got back into the cockpit of his futuristic traveling device and left. Joey dog and I are wondering what new developments will occur upon his next visit. My humans told me that baby Ryan probably won’t be allowed to abscond with any of my squeaky toys from my basket under the TV because they’re too chewed up, ragged, and dirty. Wow, that’s a relief!

Gadzooks! He's got the sacred beany baby toy.
This was an "indestructible" toy! Hah!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Fashion Magazine

Welcome everybody to The Daily Bone. I’m your host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party, where we believe squeaky toys will make the world a better place!

Today I took a look at a fashion magazine. That was a real strange endeavor, to say the least. It had page after page of advertisements for something called make-up. Apparently the humans like to paint their eyelids and lips all sorts of weird colors. For some reason, eyelashes are very important. There are intricate devices with special little brushes and substances that make eyelashes look longer and fuller. If that’s still not enough to do the trick, just glue on some fake ones. As a doggie, I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would do these things. I would never even dream of covering up my freckles or use paint to make my eyes look smokey and romantic! Besides, if your eyes were actually smoking, I'd wonder if you might be an alien from X-Files!

According to this magazine, it’s also important to lug all your face paints around in a thing called a purse. It can’t be just any purse either. It has to be one with a big fashion designer’s name on it. The more expensive it is, the better! Somehow my unadorned colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel and I have managed to make it this far in life without carrying a purse with all of our make-up, cell phones, credit cards, moisturizer, sun block, pens, keys, e-readers, gym socks, deodorant, nail polish, nail files and clippers, brushes and combs, scarves, candy, snacks, smelly perfume—ugh, blah—hair spray, laptop computers, ipod, medicine, vitamins, cough drops, energy drinks, tooth whitener, and all of the other stuff advertised in this magazine. Think of how much fun you can have if you weren’t loaded down with a heavy purse! In my opinion, the only thing I might possibly consider important enough to carry around all day would be my favorite squeaky toy. 

Do we look like we need make-up?

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Noise Pollution

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and doggies. I am Chester L. W. Spaniel, and this is The Daily Bone.

Well, it must be spring for sure this time. I’m getting tired of announcing it, only to be contradicted by yet more snow and cold weather. I think I can say it with some certainty now because today I heard the annoying sound of lawn mowers. Why do humans put so much time and effort into mowing lawns anyway? I mean, there is no real use for a lawn except to make their front yard look tidy. They put so much work into growing all that grass, yet they just mow it down and throw it away. My insightful colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel pointed out that it’s good to keep the lawn short so we can monitor the activities of the evil Squirrel Cartel, or watch for the approach of those weirdo Trick-or-treaters or other miscreants. Well, I guess that’s OK. But I still hate all that noise! Whenever we are outside and a neighbor is walking around with his noisy lawn mower, we doggies run along the fence and bark as loudly as we can. Then we get yelled at for it, and ordered back in the house.

The other sign of spring is the emergence of motorcycles. Wow, those are really noisy! I found out that there are mufflers you can get to make motorcycles quieter. So why doesn’t anybody use them? I would think it would damage your ears to ride around all day on a noisy machine. Whenever one of those horrible thundering things goes by, we doggies can’t help but bark. Then one of our human tells us to quite down.

 Then there’s noise pollution caused by people driving around with their music turned up real loud and their car windows open. Every time Mr. Boomboomcar drives by, Joey dog and I are startled and start barking. Then we get told to shut up. Hey, are you beginning to see a pattern here? It’s not fair that we get punished for reacting to other people’s noise! Why doesn’t everyone else keep quiet? That way we all can appreciate some of the nicer sounds of spring, like birds singing and frogs peeping. 

Oh, and thank you to Miss Jacquie for another nice haircut today. Sorry if we're squeamish about the electric clippers.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Robot Squirrel

Hello. I am Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and this is The Daily Bone. Welcome, and squeaky toys to all!

The nonsense about the sequester just goes on and on. People are going to get laid off, school children won’t get their lunches, airplanes will collide, and we will have to eat tainted steak. I think the television stations are competing to find more examples of the horrible things that will happen if we stop spending so much money.

On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve been hearing reports about the government wasting our tax dollars on all kinds of silly things. For example: $325,000 for a robot squirrel. This is a fake squirrel that flicks its tail to see if rattlesnakes will leave it alone. When I heard about this, I just about choked on my dinner. My dignified colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel was equally flabbergasted. We have been barking and howling with outrage all afternoon about it. If you have been following The Daily Bone, you would know our opinion of the evil Squirrel Cartel. These sneaky creatures cause all kinds of destruction and havoc. They raid the bird feeders, dig holes in the ground, build unsightly nests in the trees, and steal pumpkin seeds from the compost pile. In 2009, we discovered they had set up headquarters for their covert operations inside the shed for an entire winter. Below is a photo of Joey dog sniffing the wreckage our humans had to clean out of there. (That pink stuff is actually chewed up insulation and cardboard mixed with squirrel excrement!) He can assure you in no uncertain terms that the stench was great. We can tell you conclusively that a squirrel flicking its tail will do absolutely nothing to prevent us from chasing it off our property. This information was collected using exactly zero tax dollars. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Fiscal Cliff

This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your host Chester L. W. Spaniel. Welcome back.

On the news, for the last several weeks, I have been hearing about the fiscal cliff. We’re going to fall off the fiscal cliff. Oh my! As far as I know, it’s not a good idea to fall down from a high place. My humans tell me this is about taxes and spending cuts. If we go off the cliff, then our taxes go up and spending goes down.

So let me get this straight: if I have ten squeaky toys that I received for being a good doggie and doing my job faithfully every day for a year, then I have to give the government two of them. But if we go over the cliff, then after January, I’ll have to give them five squeaky toys instead of two. OK, so what does the government want with my squeaky toys? I can’t think of any answer but to fill up the hole at the bottom of the cliff. That makes sense, doesn’t it? If you fill a hole with squeaky toys, then anyone who falls in will bounce. If that’s the case, then please, take eight of my squeaky toys, and eight of everyone else’s squeaky toys and fill in that terrible hole! Hooray. It’s fun to bounce and squeak!

But the other part of this deal has to do with spending. Apparently half of the politicians want to save these squeaky toys to use to fill up the hole, and the other half wants to take the squeaky toys out of the hole and use them for something else, like filling in someone else’s holes. That would mean the hole would never get filled in and we will still get hurt if we jump off the cliff.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t mind sharing some of my squeaky toys for the sake of safety, or for people who have no squeaky toys at all. Everybody should have at least one squeaky toy no matter what. But it just doesn’t make sense to not fill in the hole first. Politics just doesn’t make sense!

So, my learned colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel and I are going to try an experiment. We’re going to see what it’s like to fall off the couch. I think if we roll towards the cushions, we’ll be OK. But if we go the other way, we might get a boo boo. What do you think?

Saturday, June 1, 2013


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