Wednesday, December 26, 2018

The Day After

Hello everyone. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

Christmas is over, and today we're all resting. I hope all you doggies and kitties out there got some great toys and treats from Santa! 

Dad and ghostwriter went to visit my favorite miniature humans, Lily and Ryan, along with the rest of the family to watch them open presents on Christmas Day. 

Look look look lookie look! I got a card from my dearest Princess Leah! 

I always know when something arrives just for me! I was so happy, my ghostwriter could hardly get me to sit still for a good picture. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas too! (Wow! The picture on the card looks exactly like us, don't you think?) 

As you can see, I also got some snow for Christmas.

As an added bonus, I haven't seen any sign of the Evil Squirrel Cartel in the last few days! The neighborhood doggies and I have been working hard on our coordinated anti-squirrel barking campaign. Hopefully we've got those miscreants on the run!

Instead of squirrels, though, we've been seeing thousands of Canada geese flying over! 

I wonder where they're going? You would think they'd be headed south instead of north! 

Our Oma says she wishes one of those geese would come visit us for dinner one day. That sounds good to me! Yum!

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Empty Head Days

Greetings friends and fans! This is The Daily Bone and I'm your exasperated doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

My ghostwriter has been working way too much lately! She's been covering for a coworker who had to take three weeks off if she didn't want to lose her vacation time at the end of the year. Ghostwriter doesn't begrudge this coworker her time off. She worked hard enough to deserve it. Ghostwriter says now her schedule can go back to normal, whatever that is. Anyway, that's why I haven't been able to do any reporting for so long. But now that she finally has four days in a row off, she hasn't a clue what to do! She says her head is empty! 

Well, let's start by taking pictures of me! 

As you can see, it's sunny and there is no snow on the ground. A few days ago, though, it was pouring rain and we had a visitor to the window birdie feeder. Hello Mr. Redbelly Woodpecker. You are soaking wet! 

Please enjoy the suet on the side of the feeder. I hope you can get dried off soon.

Last week, we had a visit from our Auntie Linda and Uncle Dave. They took Oma out for lunch or dinner every day while they were here. Ghostwriter couldn't go with them because she was working!

Their doggie, our NC corespondent Angus B. Terrier, sent me some yummy treats and a squeaky toy! 

Thanks Angus! I ate all the yum yum treats, and removed all the stuffing and the squeaker from the squeaky toy, and now it's perfect!

The Evil Squirrel Cartel has been around in force.  Check it out! There's Fatty White Ears, and alias Twinkletoes!

Hey dog face! You still owe me a peanut butter sandwich!

Hey squirrel face! Forget about it!

That new guy, whose name is Black Friday, comes to my yard once in a while and chases all the other squirrels around. It's tough to get a good picture of him because he rarely sits still.

Of course I sent them all packing!

Our favorite miniature humans Ryan and Lily have been having lots of fun at their house. 

They usually come visit me every other Sunday. But ghostwriter worked the last five weekends in a row! Hopefully I'll see them this Sunday.

Speaking about sun, lately we get a bit of sunshine in the mornings.

But then it clouds up. In the late afternoon, big flocks of Canada geese fly by. 

They make a lot of noise, and seem to go every direction but south!

Silly geese!

And that's about all that's been going on around here! Hopefully ghostwriter will get some thoughts in her head tomorrow. Wow! We don't even have a single Christmas decoration up! I strongly suggest that she go to bed early and get some sleep, like me! 

Good night!

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Elf on the Shelf

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's that time of year again! Time for me to post my offer to shred that snarky shelf elf that shows up in houses every December.


Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a shelf elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a fantastic, limited, one time only deal. 


Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy unstuffing, desqueaking, and fragmentation skills for ten years now, and thus am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure. 


The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and and the cloth parts into shreds, which  my humans will discreetly scatter into multiple random trash bags. 

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not connected to Santa Claus at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers! I've even heard that they are now tied in with the PC police! What a horrifying thought! 

like your social security number and computer codes.

Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying shelf elf with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!

But remember, this is a limited time only offer. You must act fast! This offer will only be available until December 25, 2018.*

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats, and fake antlers for the first five callers!

Oh thank goodness. I hate this hat!




(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.) 

*After December 25, 2018, if you do not use our shredding service, we suggest you put your shelf elf in a hermetically sealed  plastic bag, and then store in a large plastic bin in your basement, attic, or crawlspace, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other suggestions: bonfire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.

This ad is presented in loving memory of my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System.

Happy Holidays everyone! 

Friday, November 23, 2018

Black Friday

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

Today is a very ominous day. In fact, it's so ominous that the humans call it Black Friday. It marks the official beginning of the Christmas shopping season in the USA. (I don't understand why the humans need a special day for that.) Anyway, it involves some grueling rituals. First, the day before, the humans stuff themselves with mountains of food, sometimes to the point of becoming obtunded. The next day, they get up really early—like 3am early!—and dress in their warmest coats and sweaters and hats. They proceed to the nearest shopping center and stand in line outside in the cold along with masses of other humans who are also heavily dressed, and probably hung over from yesterday's eating and drinking. As soon as the store opens, a stampede ensues and everyone rushes to buy whatever they can get their hands on. Occasionally this part of the ritual becomes violent. Upon completion of the sale, the humans all go home and collapse on the couch, and then stuff themselves with left-overs from the day before.  

My humans never go anywhere near any kind of store or shopping center on this day. Instead, they enjoyed a calm and peaceful morning doing nothing special. Upon looking out the window to the back yard, ghostwriter spotted this squirrel: 

It's totally black! Ghostwriter says she's seen this squirrel around the neighborhood lately, but it's just recently ventured into my yard to snarf birdie seeds along with the rest of the Evil Squirrel Cartel. I went out to chase it away …

… and then did a thorough inspection of the premises for signs of other invaders.

Here's what I found: The neighbor's oak tree has finally started shedding its leaves, and now they're all blowing around on top of the snow.

The Stodgy Robin Society was perched in the silver maple. Some of them were even singing!

It's still mighty cold out!

Now I think that was a lot more fun than jostling through a crowd of humans and buying stuff at stores! Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving Day. 

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Snow For Us

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your faithful doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

As you can see, we have snow! Within a couple days all the colorful autumn leaves dropped from the trees and got covered in whiteness. I don't mind the snow. It's good for running in. 

Check this out: I've been practicing all my life to do a one-ear-only-flip! Wow!

But my ghostwriter thinks we were gyped! She says it's too soon for snow like this. We should still have some nice autumn weather with temperatures in the 60's. Normally she doesn't acknowledge winter has arrived until the first big snowfall, or Christmas, whichever comes first. Now she has to admit winter is here and it's not even Thanksgiving yet! I say quit sulking and let's take a walk! 

It did make for a few pretty pictures.

You see? It's not all that bad. 

I say, let it snow! 

(Then you won't have to rake up those fallen leaves until Spring.)