Monday, December 4, 2017

Shelf Elf

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's that time of year again. You know, when I post my annual shelf elf shredding service. So without further ado, here it is!


Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a shelf elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System is offering a fantastic, limited, one time only deal!


Yes, you heard that right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for nine years now, and am thus uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.


The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done in strict confidentiality.

You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into random trash bags.

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, we heard from a reliable source that many of these things are really just mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not connected to Santa at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers!

Like your social security number and computer passwords.

Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying shelf elf with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!

But remember, this is a limited time offer. You must act fast! This offer will only be available until December 25, 2017*.

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers! 

Oh, thank goodness! I hate this hat! 




(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)

* After December 25, 2017, if you do not use our shredding service, for your safety, we suggest you put your shelf elf into a hermetically sealed plastic bag, and then store it in a large plastic bin in your basement or attic, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other suggestions: bon fire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side-effects. 

This ad is dedicated to my esteemed and late colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System. Here we are patrolling the back yard in 2015.


  1. Too funny. I miss Joey.

    Abby Lab

  2. We are plotting a way to get our elf to you Chester...thanks so much for offering such a needed service in Blogville!!
    Rosy, Jakey & Arty

  3. BOL - Mom was in charge one year of stowing the Elf on a Shelf for one of the grandkids' parents - so the kiddos wouldn't find it. When time came the next Thanksgiving for Mom to send Mr. Elf back to the family, she couldn't remember where she put him:) So a new elf appeared. And as luck would have it, Mom found the original. He sits forever on the top shelf in our kitchen cabinets.

    Mom says she thinks we have seen the last of any stuffies here:)

    Woos - Lightning, Misty, and Timber

  4. Love this post! It is perfect and so funny!

  5. This is good to know if one of those evil elves ever shows up at my house! Thanks, Chester!

  6. Ha, love this! Thank you for performing this important and much needed service, Chester!

  7. That is a great service. If you need any help keeping up with demand our mom said Walter could come over and help you or she will pick them up free of charge. We would be happy to help with this service since you are the only shredder in your family now.

  8. Now that is a mission you have! Well done.

    Mara from Norway (where there fortunately aren't that many elves spying on us. Yet)

  9. Oh, this is too funny - we could use this service. Our elf is a mean elf.

  10. Chester I tell you one thang...that elf better not show up on any of my shelves. I'm a might jumper. Should I see him I'll knock him clear into next week.
    Hugs Madi your bfff
    PS my email notice of your new post quit coming. I have reapplied for notification

  11. Chester this is wonderful of you to provide this much needed service!
    Hazel & Mabel

  12. Awwwww Chester, I do miss Joey Dog, I think that you may have a lot of Shelf Elves coming your way soon, I have not had an Elf visit me thank goodness but I will keep my eyes open for such festive intruders - do you offer the same service for snow freaks?
    Love and licks from your furiends Frank and Max XxxxxxX

  13. We will be on the lookout for an elf shelf but so far we have seen no evidence. I think I saw those hats though . . .

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  14. This is a brilliant and much needed service. Thank you. I am sure we will be in contact with you if one of those little elf things show up around here.

  15. Hahahaha! This was great!!! I think you should have your own late night infomercial!

  16. Hi hi hi! Ojo here! Elf-shredding! What a good idea! I would like to volunteer myself as your assistant!

  17. What a great service, C. No elf here, but we have no shortage of antlers and hats!

    Love and licks,

  18. That is the BEST service we have seen offered this year. Mom knows a lot of her friends who would LOVE to send their elves your way! Oh Joey, we sure do miss you....
    Marty and the Gang

  19. OMD, I wants your antler, hat and headgear shredding service!!!! I tried, butts my Ma can be fast when she wants! Anyhu, I will gives you 87 cookies and 4 margaritas for your service.
    Lets me know if these terms are acceptable....
    Ruby ♥

  20. Wow, what a service, but I'm afraid it will be too expensive to send the elf over the pond, not to mention how expensive it will be in customs duties. But thanx anyway. I think perhaps I can make Dudi to shred our elf.

  21. Thankfully, our little humans grew up before the Elf on the Shelf craze so one never moved into our house. We do have a couple of Santa hats that could use a good chewing.

  22. We do not have one of those, but thank you for the security tips and service, because if one shows up, we know where to go!

    Wyatt and Tegan

  23. Our shelf elf is all felt, so that would be really fun to shred into confetti! Dalton is such an avid shredder too...if we lived closer he could be your assistant! He even shreds doggy beds...why MJF says he has no idea, cause he likes to sleep in them not shred them...

    Nice to have such fun memories of Joey Dog to cherish:)