Quick Olympic Doggie Update

Good morning everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

My esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens watched more of the Olympics last night. Because it went on for so late, we were too sleepy to write a report right afterwards.

We were amazed to see a new sport called Slope Style in which the human had his feet attached to a thin board about the size of an ironing board (maybe Ironing Board Man designed it!) that he used to slide down a hill. Again, we see the behavior of going down a mountain really fast. Instead of going straight down, though, the human went over a series of ramps, stair rails, and pipes. Going up the ramps launched the human high into the air, where he did several acrobatic flips and twists. Then he somehow landed without breaking any bones, or careening into the crowds on the sidelines. Yipes! Oh, there was one more interesting thing we noticed during that competition. There was a little drone thing hovering like a bug above the course. We watched closely to see if anyone would snatch it out of the air! Or maybe it was one of those Amazon delivery drones trying to give the guys their new copies of the latest best-selling Ironing Board Man movie.

Then there was a type of skiing that actually didn’t involve going down a mountain at warp speed. The humans had long sticks on their feet and in their hands which they used to propel themselves along a snowy track that was mostly flat. After going around the track a few times, they had to stop and shoot targets with rifles they carried on their backs. Wow, we’d like to have one of those guys do that in our yard and use the squirrels for target practice. Oh, and there's an evil squirrel right now! And that's a memo. 

Grrrrrrr!

Olympics Daily Doggie Update

Good evening ladies, and gentlemen, and doggies. This is your intrepid doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel.

Today I found out what bobsledding is. This is an another Olympic winter sport in which the humans try to figure out who can get down the mountain the fastest. This time they are riding on a type of sled that looks like a bullet. It usually involves a team of two or four humans who start by pushing the bobsled as fast as they can for a measured amount of space. Then they all quickly cram themselves into that sled, and ride it down a long, steep chute made of ice. This icy chute isn’t straight, but has a number of sharply banked turns. The sled with the humans squished tightly inside can reach over sixty miles an hour! There are lots of other humans all lined up along the sides of the chute to watch as the bobsled shoots past quicker than an eye blink. This sport is so scary and dangerous that my colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel and I could hardly stand to watch. But the humans love it. Everybody shouts and cheers for the humans on the sled. We doggies still don’t understand why they have to get down the mountain with such speed, and wonder if there will be a contest to see who can go up the chute the fastest. Oh, and if that isn’t scary enough, there is also a type of sled on which only one human can just barely fit, lying on his or her back with feet sticking out in front. This is called a luge.  

Scary, scary stuff! 

Joey dog and I think the humans are crazy to do these sports. But we sincerely hope no one gets any snow and ice up their noses as they zoom down the mountain, and that no one goes flying off the side, or crashes at the bottom of the chute. I think Joey dog and I will stick with running through the snow. And that's a memo. 

I'm going to run to the pear tree and Joey dog will time me. 

Ready, set, go!

Wow! 

What was my time?

Well, that was a lot of work. Time for a nap!

The Olympics Daily Doggie Coverage

Hello and welcome to the Daily Bone! I’m your sporty doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my athletic associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

 The Olympics have officially started. Hooray! Wow, the whole world has come together to celebrate some great winter sports. There are still ongoing threats of terrorism. We doggies say to this: for cripes sake, put down your weapons for a little while. The world doesn’t revolve around you. We’re confident the Russians have things under control. To all the political posturing in this country, we doggies say: get over it and work together for a change.  

Now, let’s look at sports. First there is ice skating and hockey. We doggies have no idea how the humans have managed to make sliding around on ice into an art form, let alone a sport. If you put us on a big sheet of ice, I can’t imagine we’d do more than slip and fall down. Then there’s skiing. In our humble opinions, why are you all in such a hurry to go down the mountain? How about racing up the mountain instead? There is even a sport in which the humans jump off the side of the mountain, fly through the air for a while, and then land on their skis. Is this a super hero competition? We wish we could do that. Then we’d really get those despicable squirrels!

Super Chester! 

Speaking of which, we have an incoming news alert: there are not one, not two, but three squirrels raiding the bird feeder right at this very moment. So, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to have to do something about that. And that's a memo.

Zoom zoom zoom! 

Record Snowfall

Good morning. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your excited doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel along with my enthusiastic associate Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel. 

Today we are going to take a break from the foibles of politics and human behavior and take a look at something on the light and fluffy side: snow! Yesterday we got a record snowfall. It started in the morning with tiny snowflakes and needles. By the evening it turned into big fat snowflakes. This morning it's bright and sunny and sparkly, so we went out to enjoy it all. 

In the next few photos I am sniffing under the snow to try and find mousies. Click on any photo and it will come up enlarged. At the bottom of that screen is a line-up of all the pictures in this post. If you scroll along these, it will look like I'm moving! Have fun! And that's a memo. 

Quit Working?

This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your hard-working doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel along with my diligent associate Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel.

What is this I hear about the President saying people will have an option not to work? I thought not working was called unemployment! The gist of the explanation, I think, is that so many people are trapped in working at jobs they hate and hours that are too long because they have to pay for health insurance, and that O-Care will liberate them from this. So quit your job and go pursue your dream of becoming the champion of your favorite video game! Hooray! The government will take care of you and your family for you. You will never have to grow up and become responsible for anything ever again! You can sit on the couch in your pajamas all day and drink hot chocolate. Hooray! We doggies have never heard anything so preposterous in our entire lives!

We doggies work all day every day. In fact, here are some pictures (below) of us rushing out to chase members of the Evil Squirrel Cartel. We are proud to have jobs, and enjoy honing our skills when it comes to home land security, even if it involves multiple high-speed chases in blizzard conditions like today. Joey dog says he intends to work until he dies, and so do I. We do not want to become a nation of couch potatoes. Is the government going to provide the pajamas, the hot chocolate, and the couch too? And, where does the government plan on getting to money to pay for all that if no one is working and paying taxes? 

Zoom!

Zoom! 

Zoom!

Perhaps there is a better explanation for this weirdo idea, or the statement was taken out of context, or else we didn't hear it right. But in the meantime, I plan to stay at the window—do you see the snow on my coat?—and continue doing my job that I love doing. Because that's the American way!

Super Day

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel, along with my well-rested colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel.

Yesterday we finally got to watch the Puppy/Super Bowl. For some reason I always seem to fall asleep during particularly long television events. Fortunately Joey dog is not as prone to napping, and caught more of the TV action.

The Puppy Bowl began earlier in the day. It featured lots of different puppies, along with penguins who seemed less than enthusiastic, and some distracted kittens at half time. The rules were a lot simpler than real football: simply drop a squeaky toy at one end of the stadium or other. The variety of squeaky toys was impressive. It was fun to watch for a while, however a pattern soon emerged: five minutes of play, five minutes of commercials, five minutes of recapping, five minutes of introducing the next set of puppies. I soon fell asleep.

6:35PM. The triumphant start of the Super Bowl. 

Joey dog is awake, and paying attention. 

6:51PM. Still asleep. 

8:02. Snoring.

8:18PM. Just getting back from a back yard potty break. 

8:20PM. Half time show is on, and I'm back to sleep.

9:40PM. Game almost over. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

10:11PM. Post game frivolities ensue. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

Good evening. This is your humble sports reporter Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel with your post-game wrap-up. Unlike my lethargic associate, I watched the entire game. The Sea Hawks won. There were lots of fireworks, and confetti flew everywhere. Barrels of Gatorade were dumped on the coach. The TV ads featured speeding cars, a smug bull, and a few sentimental and thoughtful tributes. For some reason the kitten half time show was sponsored by a vacuum cleaner company. (Cats are terrified by vacuum cleaners, aren't they?) The Super Bowl half time show was exciting and loud, with plenty of lasers and explosions, while we doggies were treated to Chex Mix, pizza, and grapefruit. We saw some of our favorite "dogs driving cars" Subaru ads, a cardboard time machine that ate Doritos, trailers for block-buster movies that won't be out till next summer, and a bunch of hamsters were flying a blimp. A good time was had by all. And that's a memo.

Augh! I'm a terrible sportscaster! And I missed the blimp-flying hamsters!

Is It Mud Season Yet?

Good morning everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie reporter and political analyst Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party. With me today is my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Yum Yum Coalition, as a guest political analyst.

So, we still haven’t watched the State of the Union Address. The Evil Squirrel Cartel has launched a full-on assault on our yard for the last several days, and we have been extra busy with high speed chases and important surveillance duties. However, we doggies are thinking that by checking out what is said on the media, we can probably get a pretty good idea of what it was about. According to the right wing channels, the entire speech was a steaming load of socialist garbage, and the President must think he’s the dictator of a third world country; and America will soon be reduced to a third world country if we keep following the President’s toxic agenda. According to the left wing press, the speech was wonderful, and all those conservative ninny-hammers are just being jerks for criticizing it. We happened to see a video of a comedian making fun of members of Congress, and aping what they said using a dopey voice, along with comparing the Republican Party to purveyors of bulls–t, which the audience thought was hilarious.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Joey dog and I thought carefully about all of this. We were reminded of the elections of 2012, when I first formed the Squeaky Party, and first heard of the term: mud slinging, which is a metaphor for character assassination. Obviously mud slinging has risen to some pretty lofty heights these days. It would seem that we are all waist deep in mud, and completely coated with it by now. What a mess! How can our great country continue to function with efficiency and dignity in this state?

In local news, the weather is starting to warm up a little. The snow is slowly melting and doggie poop that was buried in snow for the last several weeks is rising to the surface. Dead grass, trash, leaves and sticks are beginning to show at the receding edges of the dirty snowdrifts. Pretty soon the entire yard will be full of mud puddles. In Spring, our humans plan to pick up the poop, and then rake up all the debris, and put it into the compost pile, and hope something grows out of it besides weeds, thistles and deadly nightshade. Perhaps our politicians and the media might think about doing the same. And that’s a memo. 

Clean up your act.