Sunday, December 6, 2020

Elf on the Shelf

 Greetings friends and especially long time readers, doggies, and kitties! This is The Daily Bone and I'm your enduring and endearing doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's time for my annual December pre-holiday post about the infamous Elf on the Shelf! We originally posted this as an advertisement for The Double Doggie Homeland Security System way back in 2014. At that time I was still honored to have the company of my esteemed and erudite doggie brother Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, Detective Chief Inspector, Comestibles Division. Long time readers will remember him. We still miss him very much! 

So without further ado, here it is:


Has your house been invaded by a little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a fantastic, limited, one time only deal.


Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it. I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for twelve years now, and thus I am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.


The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done is strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head parts into tiny bits, and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discretely scatter into random trash bags. 

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not related to Santa Claus at all. Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers. I've even heard they are connected to the Cancel Culture PC Police! What a horrible thought!

Like your social security number and computer codes!

Just imagine! Your life will be free of that annoying shelf elf, with it's prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs. You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruitcake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf! 

But remember. This is a limited time offer. You must act fast. This offer will only be available until December 25, 2020.*

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers! 

Oh thank goodness!




(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)

*After December 25, if you do not use our shredding service, we suggest you put your shelf elf into a hermetically sealed plastic bag, and store in a plastic bin in your basement, attic, or crawl space, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other disposal suggestions: bonfire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side-effects. 

Happy holidays everyone!


  1. Today, I, June will visit FedEx, UPS and the USPS. Because the coins in my bank are few, whichever offers the cheapest price (regardless of delivery time) shall ship my ShelfELF to you (wrapped in plain brown paper so none shall know he is inside) and you are hereby instructed to perform your extraordinary techniques of total and permanent destruction on this evil creature. He is never to darken my door again. Your services are priceless, even though my additional coins on hand after shipping will be few - can you cut a deal for a poor cat? I'll massage your ego by saying, "oh yes,
    dear Chester L.W. Spaniel, you are the most endearing of dogs I have ever met in my as yet very short life!" ... now compliments like that should count for something, a discount or such! Right. Anyways, thanks for providing this important and valuable service. I will text you when my package is on the way.

  2. We're lucky that we don't have one of those elves haunting our home. If you need some help with the shredding service Walter is a master shredder. We could send our mom to pick up any you don't have time to dispose of and bring them here.

  3. Chester can you hear me laughing out LOUD. OMDs you have out done yourself this year.
    Sweet Baby Rays is a favorite of ours...on pork so I'm sure it would go nicely with roasted rump of elf.
    Thank you and hugs Cecilia

  4. This is such a necessary service! We don't have an elf, but there's no shortage of hats and antlers that need your services. Do you also do bunny ears?

    Love and licks,

  5. We miss Joey a lot too:(

    So far that sneaky Elf hasn't found a way into our home. We have enough trouble with all the Santas watching us. We don't know why there are so many Santas - who is minding the workshop?

    One suggestion - we aren't so sure that shredding the Elf is a good idea unless you have a really good clandestine way to do that.

    Woos - Lightning, Misty, and Timber

  6. This is a great service. We wish we had thought of it. If we get an infestation we will surely call you.

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  8. 2 things
    1. My poem on Thursday is about the elf on the shelf
    2. Mom of Kat and Pup and I love trash pandas
    Hugs Cecilia

  9. A friend of mine has an Elf and he is so naughty: the other day it had pooped on the toothbrushes of his two sons!!!! So gross!! Mind you, he lives in Italy, so perhaps over there it's normal?


  10. SO FUNNY. I giggled the whole read through. Thanks. I will pass along this much needed info.

  11. BOL! Your last pic it pawsome.

  12. Juney sent me your way and I'm glad she did, what fun!

  13. The befores used to visit Joey! We has been remiss in NOT stopping by. We love your elf on the shelf disposal service! We used to has one of those Elves, the before hairy slobbery sisters (Bob and Sam) dispatched ours with great gusto, much pulling, shredding and gnawing! Our hairy slobbery sister Cinnamon is very good at ensuring that no introoders come into our abode and we have NOT seen any Elfs!
    Now that wes has re-found yous, we will be back!
    Marv, Jo Jo, Kozmo, Cinnamon and Barb

  14. Cute post. I bet a lot of kids would love your service.

  15. Hi friend! Ojo here! I hope you're doing a brisk business! Elf shredding is an important task indeed!