Elf on the Shelf

 Greetings friends and especially long time readers, doggies, and kitties! This is The Daily Bone and I'm your enduring and endearing doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's time for my annual December pre-holiday post about the infamous Elf on the Shelf! We originally posted this as an advertisement for The Double Doggie Homeland Security System way back in 2014. At that time I was still honored to have the company of my esteemed and erudite doggie brother Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, Detective Chief Inspector, Comestibles Division. Long time readers will remember him. We still miss him very much! 

So without further ado, here it is:

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM SPECIAL OFFER

Has your house been invaded by a little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a fantastic, limited, one time only deal.

FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE

Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it. I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for twelve years now, and thus I am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE: 

The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done is strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head parts into tiny bits, and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discretely scatter into random trash bags. 

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not related to Santa Claus at all. Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers. I've even heard they are connected to the Cancel Culture PC Police! What a horrible thought!

Like your social security number and computer codes!

Just imagine! Your life will be free of that annoying shelf elf, with it's prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs. You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruitcake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf! 

But remember. This is a limited time offer. You must act fast. This offer will only be available until December 25, 2020.*

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers! 

Oh thank goodness!

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM

PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7

AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE! 

(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)

*After December 25, if you do not use our shredding service, we suggest you put your shelf elf into a hermetically sealed plastic bag, and store in a plastic bin in your basement, attic, or crawl space, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other disposal suggestions: bonfire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side-effects. 

Happy holidays everyone!