This is another TDB Halloween update. I'm your doggie host Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel with an important safety reminder from the Yum Yum Coalition. Please make sure your doggies do not get into the Halloween candy. Chocolate, artificial sweeteners, and raisins (if anyone still gives these as treats) are poisonous to doggies.
Well, it is 8:25PM, and the number of trick-or-treaters is starting to decline. My overworked colleague Chester L. W. Spaniel is now asleep on the floor, exhausted, from all his strenuous barking activity this evening. Hopefully the human children are all safe at home now, enjoying their yum yums, and we can call it a night.
Hello. This is your sane doggie host Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel here for a TDB update on the proceedings of this Halloween night. My associate Chester L. W. Spaniel was too fat to fit in the Santa costume, and thought the hot dog costume was a squeaky toy. Therefore I was obliged to be the hot dog once again. He also became too perturbed when scary trick-or-treaters came to our door, so we were also obliged to be stuck up in the office with one of our humans while the others managed candy hand-out duty.
As you can see, he's too rotund to dress up as Santa Clause!
At this time Chester is barking out the second story window at the people walking by on the sidewalk. I imagine that is scary enough for the occasion. If any more breaking news occurs, we will be sure to let you know, but at this time, we doggies still don't understand this strange human holiday.
Welcome to another edition of The Daily Bone. I'm your doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party. With me today is my learned colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Yum Yum Coalition, where yum yums are always serious business.
Today's subject is Halloween. What's up with that? Joey dog and I both agree, it's totally confusing. It is our understanding that our job is to keep strangers away from the house by barking and growling fiercely. But on that night, all kinds of people in scary outfits come to our door and we get yelled for doing our job. Furthermore, our humans even give yum yums to these heinous invaders. Not just any yum yums either. Joey dog tells me from personal experience that chocolate is a most delicious treat, even if you have to be forced to drink hydrogen peroxide afterward that makes you barf it back up again.
Oh, wait a minute. If those bothersome intruders eat the chocolates, won't they have to drink H2O2 and barf it up too? That means—think real hard about this—our humans are actually defending the house by giving out these treats? Isn't that right? Bwahahahahah! We doggies are rolling on the floor laughing!
Oh, wait a minute. We doggies are the sworn protectors of the human race. It's not right to give poisonous treats to anyone, even dangerous scary house monster invaders. Therefore, we will resume our designated job, and endeavor to bark and growl as loudly and as vigorously as possible at every stranger: go away evil aliens, or else you will be forced to barf! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark snarl woof woof woof woof woof bark bark bark! Halloween is still as confusing as ever!
Hello out there. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your erudite doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel.
A fan remarked on my last TDB about squeaky toy management. She said I spend more time on my squeaky toy inventory than she does on her business inventory. Well, that’s because squeaky toys are serious business. They can be very capricious, you know, and I need to keep close track of them. Sometimes they hide under the couch, and behind doors and curtains. Sometimes my humans throw away my old tattered ones without consulting me. I always remember who gave me which squeaky toy, and can pick it out of my storage facility whenever that person comes to visit. All that takes time and energy, and is an important part of my daily routine besides sleeping, guarding the house and property, and chasing squirrels.
Well, it’s starting to get cold out now. The winter birds are arriving, and some of my humans are complaining about the icy wind, the dreary clouds, and the fact that it’s dark by six o’clock. The leaves are almost all down, which means I can now see those marauding squirrels up there in the silver maple tree. It’s also football season. I have tried to understand this sport that the humans seem to like so much. It looks like a bunch of men in funny pants running around, knocking each other down, and throwing an oddly shaped squeaky ball as far as possible. I have played a similar game, except it involves taking a scrap of something from the garbage can and running wildly around the house trying to keep it away from my humans. That’s usually a lot of fun.
On the political side of things, the blame game over the debt ceiling, health insurance, the shut-down, foreign policy, etc. goes on and on. Yawn. I might remind everyone that the Squeaky Party was founded a little more than a year ago as an alternative to the big two parties that are constantly fighting about everything. We stand for life (hey we’re alive!) liberty (we can make our own decisions) and the pursuit of happiness (squeaky toys make everybody happy and thus promote cooperation and understanding.) My advice to the Democrats and the Republicans: take a break from all the fighting. Throw a squeaky ball around for a while. Watch a football game together, cheer for your favorite team, and jump up and down until you get all your negative energy out of your system. Take a nice walk with your doggie in the crisp Autumn air. Send all those lobbyists out to chase the squirrels away from the First Lady’s garden. Send the reporters out on a doggie poop scoop. Then, sit down and figure out some good solutions to all the problems in a calm and rational way. And that’s a memo.
Hi everybody. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your professional host Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and expert on squeaky toys.
For those of you who may not be familiar with standard squeaky toy procedures, please refer to the following photos in which I will go through the technique. The first step is to give the new toys a good sniff to determine if any other doggie or human has handled them. It also helps me catalog them in my doggie brain so I can find them later. You might remember that the selection of new squeaky toys in photo #1 was sent to me by one of my super fans last May. For these, I remain eternally grateful. The next step requires thorough unstuffing and squeaky removal. Personally, I think the squeaky is like the prize in the Cracker Jack box. I never swallow a squeaky whole. I give it a good chew first. Usually my humans take the chewed up plastic squeaky away so I don’t swallow it. But I have swallowed a few and have suffered no unfortunate symptoms. Then, there is squeaky toy storage and maintenance. In the next photo, you can see my squeaky toy storage facility behind me, which consists of a few baskets that are kept on the bottom shelf of the TV cabinet. Periodically, I take out a few squeaky toys and inspect them to make sure no one else has messed with them and that my inventory is still correct. Then comes the best part: contentment. And that’s a memo.
Good evening. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your popular doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel. I'm on a roll because this is the second TDB I've written today. I could have waited until tomorrow to post this one, but I'm too excited to wait that long.
I have just heard that The Daily Bone has some amazing new fans that I would like to introduce to everyone right away. They are Raelin’s Turkey Squad, and they live with their human family in Pennsylvania. I am told these intelligent birds are excellent at watching and protecting the property, just like us doggies. They gobble different alarm calls depending on what creature is approaching. My esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) and I have different types of barks and howls too. For example, when I spot an approaching stranger, I let out a long whistling alarm howl. Then I bark my “big boy” deep throated bark. If humans from our family are coming home, we doggies have a higher pitched bark for that. The turkeys, whose names are Clyde, Dexter, Ella, Bella, and Olivia, are quite fashionable too, wearing the same tan and white colors as yours truly. The Squad also follows their humans everywhere just like we do. Wow! If you look hard enough, and keep an open mind, you’ll find that we are all more alike than different.
Hi.
Here they are patrolling the yard.
I was glad to hear that all members of Raelin’s Turkey Squad are on permanent assignment, which means they will never have to show up on a Thanksgiving Day table full of stuffing and roasted to a delicate golden brown. What a relief that is!
Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your undead doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel.
Welcome to my nightmare!
So what is the deal with zombies anyway? Neither my erudite colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel nor I can understand why the humans keep coming up with zombies as a form of entertainment in TV shows and movies. We all know it’s chemically impossible to reanimate something that is dead, especially if it’s been dead for a long time. The usual scenario is that there is some kind of virus, disease, parasite, an alien, or even a curse or an evil spirit that takes over a dead body and reanimates it. Sometimes, it only takes a bite from a zombie to pass the zombie disorder illness syndrome malady to people who are alive.
Zombies only eat brains. If they’re dead, why do they need to eat? And why brains? They all want to kill the living for some reason, after they terrorize them, of course. There are a few other things zombies have in common. First, they cannot comprehend glass windows, and reliably smash into them, usually with a full body thump and/or splat. (Hey, maybe Crazy Bird is a zombie considering the number of times he’s bashed himself against the windows of our house!) They all walk funny, and don’t seem to know where they’re going. They all have skin discoloration, scabs or open wounds, blood stains, rotting or missing teeth, messy hair, torn up clothes, and weird eyeballs. They all make funny gurgling and/or moaning noises, and sometimes their body parts fall off. And, little kids love to dress up and pretend to be zombies.
Horrifying.
Yesterday, there was an editorial column in the local newspaper about zombies, that said liberals love zombies. The doggie logic machine threw up a clinker on that one! What do zombies have to do with politics? Why would only liberals like zombies? The only thing we doggies could come up with is that perhaps a zombie is the only thing left that is politically correct to kill. In fact, it’s PC to kill them in any kind of way, be it an arrow to the head, a bullet to the head, a grenade to the head, a tree limb to the head, a bazooka shot to the head, a motorized vehicle to the head, a sword swipe to the head, a tire iron to the head, a rock to the head, a pea shooter to the head, a flame thrower to the head, a laser zap to the head, a baseball bat to the head, a hockey stick to the head … well, I think you get the idea. Personally I would have Ironing Board Man simply drive over their heads and flatten them. The fact that they're already dead doesn't seem to matter.
I imagine one day zombie-ism will be an accepted medical diagnosis, or an alternative life-style choice, and research will be done with government grants to understand and cure it. There will be a zombie awareness week, an anti-hate campaign with a fund raiser raffle ticket zombie bake sale, zombie support groups, a zombie pride march, and a bill in congress to give zombies the same rights and privileges as all other US citizens. That would be the American way.
Joey dog and I decided to watch some zombie footage on youtube. We are very excited to have found a few videos that not only feature zombies, but food as well! Hooray! And that’s a memo. Have fun!
