Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Elf on the Shelf

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 


It's that time of year again! Time for me to post my offer to shred that snarky shelf elf that shows up in houses every December.

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM SPECIAL OFFER


Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a shelf elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a fantastic, limited, one time only deal. 

FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE

Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy unstuffing, desqueaking, and fragmentation skills for ten years now, and thus am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure. 


THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE: 

The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and and the cloth parts into shreds, which  my humans will discreetly scatter into multiple random trash bags. 

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not connected to Santa Claus at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers! I've even heard that they are now tied in with the PC police! What a horrifying thought! 

like your social security number and computer codes.

Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying shelf elf with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!

But remember, this is a limited time only offer. You must act fast! This offer will only be available until December 25, 2018.*

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats, and fake antlers for the first five callers!

Oh thank goodness. I hate this hat!

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM

PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7

AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE

(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.) 


*After December 25, 2018, if you do not use our shredding service, we suggest you put your shelf elf in a hermetically sealed  plastic bag, and then store in a large plastic bin in your basement, attic, or crawlspace, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other suggestions: bonfire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.



This ad is presented in loving memory of my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System.


Happy Holidays everyone! 

19 comments:

  1. That is a great service Chester. We are lucky that we don't have any elves or funny hats in our house. Walter would be happy to help with any shredding you might need. He works real fast and only needs a cookie per doll.

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  2. Petcretary just set up such a device on the bookshelf, here. Ours is green, does that make him more evil or spy-ish?

    I can dispatch those dudes with lightening speed, too, Chester, We’d make a great team!
    We giggled a lot at your little elfin jokes:)

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  3. BOL - we don't have one of those elves here, at least not that we have seen. We know the grandbipeds all have them, even a whole family of them. If one shows up, we will be looking for your services without hesitation.

    Woos - Lightning, Misty, and Timber

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  4. OMD, Ma said she had one of those spyin' on her when she was a wee lass! I am so glads she did gets one for me, there is no tellin' what kind of secrets that evil villain would spill! I am so glads your service exists Chester ~ I am gonna gets all those frickin' antlers togethers and send them to you for proper disposal! pees: don't tells Ma....I'll play dumb, and flash her my puppy eyes....
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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  5. You are providing a great service Chester!
    hugs
    Hazel & Mabel

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  6. Woohoo Chester this is my very first Elf sighting of the season!
    lol on the cat photo.
    Hugs cecilia

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  7. Thankfully, that stoopid elf is not at my house but I'm sure you'll be very busy in the coming days before Christmas, Chester!

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  8. What a great service to offer, C. I have no elf, but there are ENDLESS supplies of antlers and Santa hats that keep popping up! Ugh!

    Love and licks,
    Cupcake

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  9. Yeah, we don't need those spying eyes reporting back to Santa!! Santa doesn't need to know Everything!

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  10. We need to call asap and get on your most desperate list.
    I know your service will be performed by the most qualified
    de-stuffers. Can you bill my ma's veza card?
    PS" do you chase squirrels and cats?

    ♥ Astro and Mitzie

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  11. Dear Chester,

    I volunteer to help with the shredding! Those things are awful.

    Licks,
    Cobi

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  12. We don't have one but I am sure you will have lots of takers for your services. Good job

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  13. We don't let the elf on a shelf in our home. Nobody likes a tattle tail, am I right? BOL!

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  14. BOL, BOL, BOL!!!! If we had one of those, you'd be our exterminator of choice!

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  15. Our Elf hasn't made an appearance yet...Hmmmmmm, I wonder if he heard about us wanting to mail him to you Chester?? BOL!
    xoxo,
    Rosy, Jakey & Arty

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  16. YIKES..... now that guy REALLY scares the poop out of me.

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  17. We only have some snowmen and a nativity scene out. But as soon as I see an elf, I will give you a buzz! Especially as they seem to be dangerous!

    Miss Oswin from NI

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  18. OH NOES, says Zoey. Tho NOT on a shelf, she may be an ELF (tomorrow), so Chester, please DO NOT come over to Zoolatry cause Zoey does not want to be shredded 'n' everything else you talked about ... however, you can stop by 1600 PA Ave (down the street from us), cause there was an "elf on da shelf" there yesterday, so they said on the news, and we don't mind if he gets shredded ... no offense to anyone's pawlitical sensibilities meant please.
    And please tell your Hu-Mom we say thank you for the lovely story about Christmas songs she
    left in our comments today ...

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