Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Shelf Elf (Advertisement)

Hello friends and fans. I am your savvy doggie reporter and internet celebrity 
Chester L. W. Stephens along with my adroit colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens. 
Together we are:

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM.


Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more!

Just pretend I'm not here.

The Double Doggie Homeland Security System is offering a fantastic, limited, one time only deal: 

FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE

Yes, you heard it right! This service is completely free! Simply bring your despicable Shelf Elf to our workshop. Joey dog will inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then, personally, shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for six years now, and am thus uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.



THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE: 

The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done in strict confidentiality. 

You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into random trash bags.

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of Shelf Elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, we have heard from a reliable source that many of these things are really just mindless clones, mass produced by some big manufacturing company and not connected to Santa at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing personal information about your behavior and eating habits, Shelf Elf puts you at risk for identity theft and security breach and hackers. 


Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying Shelf Elf thing with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!

But remember, this is a limited time offer. You must act fast. This offer will only be available until December 25, 2014! *

… like your social security number
and computer passwords …

As an extra bonus, we will also shred santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers!
Oh thank goodness! 

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM

PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7

AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE! 

(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.) 




*After December 25, 2014, if you do not use our shredding service, for your safety, we suggest you put your evil elf in a hermetically sealed plastic bag and then store it in a large storage bin in your basement or attic, where it will be effectively deactivated. Other suggestions: bon fire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.


12 comments:

  1. BOL, we don't have a Shelf Elf here, otherwise I woulda already deaded it.

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  2. Gosh, I wish I had a shelf elf to send to you, sounds like a fantastic offer there Chester and I know you'd do the bestest shredding job evers!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  3. LOL we agree deaded it would be no problemo. Have a wonderful Wednesday.
    Best wishes Molly

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  4. Good job of the goofy elf. We don't got one here, no need, the 2-leggers are all growed up an livin on their own.

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  5. We are going to wait until Mama and te dreaded elf are asleep and then send it plus all silly hats and antlers to you!! What a wonderful service you are providing!!

    Smileys!
    Dory, Jakey, Arty & Bilbo

    PeeEss....Bags of yum, yum doggy treats will be sent under separate cover

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    Replies
    1. Gee thanks Dory! Maybe we should form a multinational corporation! Is it Arty who is the shredder in your family?

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  6. Hmmm, sounds like this could be turned in to quite the profitable business:) Do you know Frankie and Ernie - they have 87 bazillion gazillion snow freaks that they might want a shredding service for as well.

    Woos - Phantom, Ciara, and Lightning

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  7. hey Chester, do you have a date yet for Dory's pawty? I have it on good authority that a certain PRINCESS might be interested in a date...email me at judi1040(at)gmail(dot)com
    Oh, and I loves that service!! I have a couple of antlers that need some shredding!!
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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  8. No elf here and Murphy took care of my Christmas hat today but I'm sure your services will be welcome by many, aye??

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  9. I can think of quite a few kitties and one piggy (Bacon) who could use your assistance over at wordpress! We don't have one of those evil things here, Mom doesn't like them MOL!

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  10. It's funny how the humans either love these things or else can't stand them!

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  11. No shelf elf here...but there are a ton of drummer dudes around here...

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