Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Elf on the Shelf

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's that time of year again! Time for me to post my offer to shred that snarky shelf elf that shows up in houses every December.


Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a shelf elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a fantastic, limited, one time only deal. 


Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy unstuffing, desqueaking, and fragmentation skills for ten years now, and thus am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure. 


The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and and the cloth parts into shreds, which  my humans will discreetly scatter into multiple random trash bags. 

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not connected to Santa Claus at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers! I've even heard that they are now tied in with the PC police! What a horrifying thought! 

like your social security number and computer codes.

Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying shelf elf with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!

But remember, this is a limited time only offer. You must act fast! This offer will only be available until December 25, 2018.*

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats, and fake antlers for the first five callers!

Oh thank goodness. I hate this hat!




(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.) 

*After December 25, 2018, if you do not use our shredding service, we suggest you put your shelf elf in a hermetically sealed  plastic bag, and then store in a large plastic bin in your basement, attic, or crawlspace, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other suggestions: bonfire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.

This ad is presented in loving memory of my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System.

Happy Holidays everyone! 

Friday, November 23, 2018

Black Friday

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

Today is a very ominous day. In fact, it's so ominous that the humans call it Black Friday. It marks the official beginning of the Christmas shopping season in the USA. (I don't understand why the humans need a special day for that.) Anyway, it involves some grueling rituals. First, the day before, the humans stuff themselves with mountains of food, sometimes to the point of becoming obtunded. The next day, they get up really early—like 3am early!—and dress in their warmest coats and sweaters and hats. They proceed to the nearest shopping center and stand in line outside in the cold along with masses of other humans who are also heavily dressed, and probably hung over from yesterday's eating and drinking. As soon as the store opens, a stampede ensues and everyone rushes to buy whatever they can get their hands on. Occasionally this part of the ritual becomes violent. Upon completion of the sale, the humans all go home and collapse on the couch, and then stuff themselves with left-overs from the day before.  

My humans never go anywhere near any kind of store or shopping center on this day. Instead, they enjoyed a calm and peaceful morning doing nothing special. Upon looking out the window to the back yard, ghostwriter spotted this squirrel: 

It's totally black! Ghostwriter says she's seen this squirrel around the neighborhood lately, but it's just recently ventured into my yard to snarf birdie seeds along with the rest of the Evil Squirrel Cartel. I went out to chase it away …

… and then did a thorough inspection of the premises for signs of other invaders.

Here's what I found: The neighbor's oak tree has finally started shedding its leaves, and now they're all blowing around on top of the snow.

The Stodgy Robin Society was perched in the silver maple. Some of them were even singing!

It's still mighty cold out!

Now I think that was a lot more fun than jostling through a crowd of humans and buying stuff at stores! Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving Day. 

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Snow For Us

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your faithful doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

As you can see, we have snow! Within a couple days all the colorful autumn leaves dropped from the trees and got covered in whiteness. I don't mind the snow. It's good for running in. 

Check this out: I've been practicing all my life to do a one-ear-only-flip! Wow!

But my ghostwriter thinks we were gyped! She says it's too soon for snow like this. We should still have some nice autumn weather with temperatures in the 60's. Normally she doesn't acknowledge winter has arrived until the first big snowfall, or Christmas, whichever comes first. Now she has to admit winter is here and it's not even Thanksgiving yet! I say quit sulking and let's take a walk! 

It did make for a few pretty pictures.

You see? It's not all that bad. 

I say, let it snow! 

(Then you won't have to rake up those fallen leaves until Spring.)

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Birdie Business

Greetings friends and fans. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your faithful doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

I'm at my post watching the birdies who visit our window box feeder. It seemed pretty much like a regular day.

Blue Jay

Assortment of sparrows.

When Mr. Mortimer Seedcruncher III, CEO of Sparrows Incorporated, showed up in a huff. He said, "Hey Chester, the Evil Squirrel Cartel is plundering our birdie seeds again!"

"Do you see him there? What are you going to do about it?"

I'll be right out!

Initiating stealth mode:

Peeking out the door …

Squirrel spotted at 12 o'clock


I chased that demented squirrel clear out of my yard!

A doggie's work is never done!

Friday, November 9, 2018


Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your indefatigable doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's been a  crazy week with lots of changes going on! I have several stories for today's report, but I'm going to start with the weather. There's been a big wind roaring through our area lately. The clouds have been practically racing by! One minute it's all sunny and bright.

And the next minute storm clouds are rolling in.

Hey, get lost storm clouds! Can't you see we're doing a news cast here?

The high winds blew most of the leaves off the silver maple tree. So ghostwriter had to rake them up. (She also put the Halloween pumpkins in the compost pile. Do you see them there?)

While she was working on that, I snooped around the yard. Check out this big stick pile. Dad was planning to put all of this mess through the screaming monster stick grinder machine thing and turn them into mulch, but didn't have enough time before he got his knee surgery. So now Sparrows Incorporated has an all new remodeled and rebuilt:

Hotel and Winter Resort in the Sticks!

  It's the perfect venue for sparrow conventions, chirp concerts, and birdie kick-boxing events!

Hello in there! (I can smell birdie poop already.)

In other news, the National Guard must be practicing because their helicopters have been out day and night. This one's a big Chinook chopper with two rotors. 

Flocks of geese have been zooming around as well. Gee, I hope they don't smash into each other!

We have to report that we no longer have any flowers left. But the colorful Norway maples, and the Japanese maples are now loosing their leaves. We think they're just as pretty as flowers.


This is a fast breaking story. I'm live in my back yard and it's snowing out! Yes indeed, big wet snowflakes are falling along with even more leaves. Amazing!

Now ghostwriter is going to have to get out the snow shovel AND the rake!

For my final report, it's getting darker earlier every day. There's only one thing to do about that: