Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Imminent Death and Destruction

Good morning. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

Humans never cease to confound and bewilder me. Last night on TV at 11:45PM almost every channel featured scenes of a massive, teeming crowd of humans (I’m talking tens of thousands!) standing outside in the freezing cold at the confluence of a couple major motor ways in New York City, waiting for a giant sparkling squeaky ball to drop on them. Someone said that the gargantuan blinky orb was made out of special crystals and weighed several tons. It kept twinkling and changing colors as if it was relaying some alien coded message pronouncing an imminent hostile invasion and consequent annihilation, reminiscent of a scene from the movie “Independence Day.” Most of the humans there were wearing funny hats, and had what looked like long balloons with tassels on one end. (Yikes! I’m terrified of balloons!) They were yelling, screaming, jumping up and down, dancing, and shaking those balloon things. Maybe they were trying to scare it away. I would certainly be running as fast as I could to get away from all that! They became more frenzied as the behemoth ball of glittering doom descended to crush them all. This was all so frightening I could hardly stand to watch. Visions of total destruction blasted into my doggie imagination! Surely this would turn into one of those massive media rolling disaster news alerts, like the Boston bombing, and we’d be reminded of the terrifying event every five minutes on every channel for weeks. I hid my eyes as the countdown commenced. My fear was short-lived, though, as I discovered the squeaky ball didn’t actually fall on anyone. The next thing that happened was the release of confetti over the crowd, and the humans started hugging and kissing each other as fireworks exploded overhead.

As you know, we doggies don’t know how to read a calendar, and don’t keep track of the date. We fail to understand what is so important about the end of one year and the start of another. But apparently the humans think this is a reason for a wonderful celebration. My humans promptly went to bed after the dropping of the squeaky ball. This morning, things seemed the same as always. So Happy New Year.

Snoooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk.

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