Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Doggie Diet and Fitness Plan

Hello. Chester L. W. Stephens here, chairman of the Squeaky Party. Welcome to The Daily Bone.

I always have to laugh at the humans this time of year. Immediately following the holiday season of feasting and overindulgence, after the sentimental reminiscing about the past year along with the sharing of comfort food, after the imbibing of alcoholic beverages to celebrate the new year, all the humans become obsessed with losing weight. Every other television commercial is about some kind of magical diet or other. Wow! Eat this food and lose five pounds in a week! Join this health club and get fit within a month. Take these vitamins or diet pills, and have the body you’ve always dreamed of. The talk shows all feature interviews with diet gurus who say carbohydrates don’t count, or carbohydrates do count, or protein is the answer, or eat like a caveman. (What do cavemen eat at this time of year? Hawthorn berries, pine cones, and squirrels? Yeah, you'd get pretty skinny living on that!) The extent humans are willing to go to reduce their weight astounds me: get your colon cleansed out with an enema, put leaves and sticks in the juicer and just drink that for a week, eat nothing but eggs, grapefruit, and brown rice. But, you know, the humans who promote that diet stuff all make a lot of money from it, especially after the holidays.

So my slim, trim associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I decided to make a exercise and weight loss regimen and see how much business we get. This might be an on-going project, but here are a few of the first rules we thought up.
Rule #1. Drop several mouth fulls of your yum yum crunchy meatball healthy weight maintenance dog food on the floor. That will cut your calories significantly.

Rule #2. Drink lots of water. That’s right: plain water. You don’t need artificial sweeteners, colors, and  flavors, extra vitamins, caffeine, weird protein stuff that you can’t even pronounce, and herbal extracts in your water. Don’t spend your hard-earned money on special exotic bottled mineral water either. Regular tap water at room temperature is excellent.
Rule #3. Always stretch before exercising.
Rule #4. You don’t need to drive to the gym. There’s one in your own back yard. Go outside and run laps around the yard several times a day. Chase those squirrels and chipmunks and bunnies whenever possible. Look at me go!
Rule #5. Don’t expect a doggie treat every time you come back into the house.

Rule # 6. Stay alert at all times for the Evil Squirrel Cartel and other trespassers. This will maintain good muscle tone and a clear mind.   
Rule #7. Be sure to get plenty of rest.
And That's a memo.

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