Zombies

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your undead doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel.

Welcome to my nightmare!

So what is the deal with zombies anyway? Neither my erudite colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel nor I can understand why the humans keep coming up with zombies as a form of entertainment in TV shows and movies. We all know it’s chemically impossible to reanimate something that is dead, especially if it’s been dead for a long time. The usual scenario is that there is some kind of virus, disease, parasite, an alien, or even a curse or an evil spirit that takes over a dead body and reanimates it. Sometimes, it only takes a bite from a zombie to pass the zombie disorder illness syndrome malady to people who are alive.

Zombies only eat brains. If they’re dead, why do they need to eat? And why brains? They all want to kill the living for some reason, after they terrorize them, of course. There are a few other things zombies have in common. First, they cannot comprehend glass windows, and reliably smash into them, usually with a full body thump and/or splat. (Hey, maybe Crazy Bird is a zombie considering the number of times he’s bashed himself against the windows of our house!) They all walk funny, and don’t seem to know where they’re going. They all have skin discoloration, scabs or open wounds, blood stains, rotting or missing teeth, messy hair, torn up clothes, and weird eyeballs. They all make funny gurgling and/or moaning noises, and sometimes their body parts fall off. And, little kids love to dress up and pretend to be zombies.

Horrifying.

Yesterday, there was an editorial column in the local newspaper about zombies, that said liberals love zombies. The doggie logic machine threw up a clinker on that one! What do zombies have to do with politics? Why would only liberals like zombies? The only thing we doggies could come up with is that perhaps a zombie is the only thing left that is politically correct to kill. In fact, it’s PC to kill them in any kind of way, be it an arrow to the head, a bullet to the head, a grenade to the head, a tree limb to the head, a bazooka shot to the head, a motorized vehicle to the head, a sword swipe to the head, a tire iron to the head, a rock to the head, a pea shooter to the head, a flame thrower to the head, a laser zap to the head, a baseball bat to the head, a hockey stick to the head … well, I think you get the idea. Personally I would have Ironing Board Man simply drive over their heads and flatten them. The fact that they're already dead doesn't seem to matter.

I imagine one day zombie-ism will be an accepted medical diagnosis, or an alternative life-style choice, and research will be done with government grants to understand and cure it. There will be a zombie awareness week, an anti-hate campaign with a fund raiser raffle ticket zombie bake sale, zombie support groups, a zombie pride march, and a bill in congress to give zombies the same rights and privileges as all other US citizens. That would be the American way.

Joey dog and I decided to watch some zombie footage on youtube. We are very excited to have found a few videos that not only feature zombies, but food as well! Hooray! And that’s a memo. Have fun!