Shelf Elf

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 

Chester L. W. Spaniel. 

It's that time of year again. You know, when I post my annual shelf elf shredding service. So without further ado, here it is!

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM SPECIAL OFFER

Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a shelf elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System is offering a fantastic, limited, one time only deal!

FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE

Yes, you heard that right! Simply bring your despicable shelf elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for nine years now, and am thus uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE:

The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done in strict confidentiality.

You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into random trash bags.

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, we heard from a reliable source that many of these things are really just mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not connected to Santa at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers!

Like your social security number and computer passwords.

Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying shelf elf with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!

But remember, this is a limited time offer. You must act fast! This offer will only be available until December 25, 2017*.

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers! 

Oh, thank goodness! I hate this hat! 

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM

PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7

AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE!

(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)

* After December 25, 2017, if you do not use our shredding service, for your safety, we suggest you put your shelf elf into a hermetically sealed plastic bag, and then store it in a large plastic bin in your basement or attic, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other suggestions: bon fire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side-effects. 

This ad is dedicated to my esteemed and late colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System. Here we are patrolling the back yard in 2015.