Friday, March 7, 2014

Dearest Diary Part II

This is The Daily Bone and I’m your glum, melancholy, and desolate doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.


Yesterday my disconsolate associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I did a review of the classic video, “Sad Dog Diary.” Although it was fairly morose, dismal, and depressing, it was great fun to make a parody out of. In fact, it seems we can take almost any ordinary daily event and cast a grim shadow to it just by using a small amount of effort and pessimism. A thesaurus comes in handy too. There were exactly one hundred and fourteen other words that mean sad. So, anyway, we thought we would try a few more woebegone diary entries. Here they are:
Dear diary: Today we were fooled yet again into getting into the car, only to find out that we were headed to the vet. Our dearest humans always tell us it will be fun. We fall for it every time.


Dear diary: Today I had to endure another harrowing visit to the vet, where I was subjected to many horrifying procedures: bath, buzz cut, ear cleaning, and worst of all, having my anal glands cleaned out. I feel completely violated now. 






Dear diary: Today I got a haircut, and discovered that the ghosty spots on top of my head were still there. I fear I am doomed to wear them for all eternity. I can only hope the Ghost Busters don't find out. 





I was also informed that, at forty-five pounds, I am too fat. The vet would not accept my explanation that it was all muscle, and said I should reduce the amount of dog food I eat. I love dog food. 






Dear diary: My dearest humans think I am now neat and clean after my bath and hair cut, and that I no longer smell like a stinky old dog. It will take me days to lick that stinky old dog smell back into my paws and fur. 









Dear diary: The snow is almost gone now, and that fills me with sorrow. Unless we have a freak snow storm, it will be at least eight months before it returns. However, it will take me only eight seconds to undo all the efforts of my dearest groomer, Ms. Jacquie, by running through all the mud and soggy doggie poop left by the melted snow. 


Wasn’t that fun? See you fell for it yet again! And that’s a memo.

Are we there yet?


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