Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Early TDBs

Stress

Hello, ladies and gentlemen and doggies. This is The Daily Bone, and I am your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. We believe squeaky toys will save the world!

You know, I think the humans like being under stress. I would think going to work, driving through rush-hour traffic, cooking, cleaning and shopping for food is enough excitement for any one person. But it seems they spend the rest of their time watching television. In fact, the first thing they do in the morning is turn on the television and watch the news. This is filled with horrifying stories of the North Koreans planning to nuke the world, the financial disaster our country is in, and the sixteen trillion dollar debt. This week there has been wall to wall coverage of that terrible bombing. Then there are fires, floods, earthquakes, storms, bank collapses, and, of course, the infamous and ever popular Sequester. With all this in mind, they then rush off to work where they battle the forces of chaos all day. When they come home, they watch more TV news. This is followed by programs about detectives solving heinous crimes, or tension-filled contests where the winner is only announced after at least ten commercials. If they don’t have enough of this to create stress, they tune into shows about monsters, like vampires, zombies, and aliens that attack people, destroy cities, and even have their own teenage identity crisis problems. Even programs about cute little penguins or monkeys will have that final pinch about global warming and climate change for you to worry about.

Come on, people! What you need is a squeaky toy! Yes, that’s right: a squeaky toy. Don’t turn on that television. Go outside and play fetch the squeaky ball with your doggie. If it’s raining out, then play indoors. Go to work, come home, and then forget about it. Yes, it’s good to stay informed on the problems of the world, and you can usually do that with a one hour news cast. But it’s also good to have dinner, take a nap, and then go for a walk with your doggie. Don’t forget to have one more session of squeaky toy play before going to bed to sleep for the night. I guarantee you will be stress free for the rest of your life. What’s more, you’ll sleep like a baby. And that’s a memo.



TV Ads                                                                               

Hello. I’m Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and your humble doggie host for The Daily Bone.

Today I want to talk about TV commercials. It seems half of what you see on TV is nothing but commercials. If you really pay attention, these ads can be quite frightening. There are bone chilling predictions of what could happen if you don’t get enough calcium and vitamins, or use the wrong moisturizer, deodorant, or toothpaste. Tree limbs will fall on top of your car, your house might be infested with termites, little green blob monsters will have parties in your lungs, tiny lines and wrinkles can form around your eyes, your hair will get split ends, and germs will take over your toilet and counter tops, and even your mouth. Oh my! Cars blow up into thousands of computer-generated pieces, or smash into brick walls, and then come back together again. Then there are the ads for medicines. Do you think you have a terrible disease? Well, there is a drug for that. Demand that your doctor prescribe it for you immediately, but watch out for all the deadly side-effects. If you get one, no problem. There are a plethora of lawyers ready to sue the heck out of those darn drug manufacturers! The funniest thing is when there is a commercial for a diet product, followed by an ad for deep fried chicken fingers. (Chickens have fingers???) There is a witch flying around in a broomstick factory, and that giggling dough boy gets frisked at the airport. Hurry up and buy stocks, gold, and silver before the entire economy collapses, and we end up living in the street! I like the barbarians, though. I just might call the one who has a home security company. I could use a moat full of alligators. It would save me the bother of barking at those weirdo Halloween invaders. 

My esteemed colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I had a discussion about TV commercials. We agree that there are not enough ads for doggie food and yum yum treats. The flea ads give us the creeps. There is not a single ad for squirrel extermination. And, I have yet to see an ad for the most important commodity of all: squeaky toys! And that’s a memo.


Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans

 Hello, friends! This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens.

Wow, there sure has been a lot of bad news on the TV lately! There was a murder trial, where a person was convicted of stabbing another person twenty-seven times, then shooting him, and, well, you probably know the rest. A crazy guy kidnapped three girls and kept them imprisoned for ten years. There is still a lot of intrigue and speculation about that attack in Libya, and about the Boston Bombing. And then there is that murder trial of that doctor … I’m not going to say any more. I’m sure you have already heard it all and have been as horrified as I was.

So I changed the channel and started watching Animal Planet instead of the news. There were lots of sad stories about abused and neglected animals, including doggies, but people are trying very hard to rescue these and find them new and better homes, or return them to the wild and save them from becoming extinct. It seems to me that the humans care more about animals than their own kind. Therefore, I propose a new charity, run entirely by doggies and other wonderful pets who live with humans and take good care of them. We should call it the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans, or SPCH. As I’ve pointed out in my TDB series about super heroes, doggies were present to help with the investigation of many terrible crimes and disasters. They sniff out dangerous chemicals like drugs and explosives, help find people who might have been trapped underneath a collapsed building, or help the police catch criminals. Why can’t doggies be in charge of stopping these things before they happen?

Now, I heard the next step to take is to get tax exempt status from the IRS … Oh, oh … They might find out that I’m a little bit on the conservative side … and then give me tons of papers to sign, and then come to my house and want to see my squeaky toys, and then take five years to approve my good idea....................................................................................................................Harumph!


Spinning

Hi everyone! This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your dizzy doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. Hang onto your squeaky toys because your head will soon be spinning!

Today’s vocabulary word is “spin.” It used to mean to turn around and around, like a wheel. But these days, it takes on a whole new meaning. Now it means to take some bad news and make it look good, or to take some good news and make it look bad, or to take bad news and make it look worse, or to take good news and make it look better, or to skip it altogether and just talk about cute, fuzzy things like puppies and birdies and the latest diet craze. It can also be used to take credit for something good that you actually had nothing to do with, or to make it look like you had nothing to do with something bad, or blame someone else for it. Dizzy yet?

Politicians and the media have turned spinning into a fine art. So how can we tell if something is true or if it’s being given a spin? For one thing, consider the source. If every television channel reports that there is a volcano erupting in Italy, then it’s probably true. But if you see a celebrity say the volcano is erupting because of global warming, fracking or Republicans, then it’s probably a spin. If a politician says something is a good idea, then turns around a month later and says it isn’t, then he’s spinning. It’s kind of like chasing your tail. It’s funny for a while, but then you just look like a weirdo and get your picture put on http://www.shameddog.com/

OK, so I’m going to give spinning a try. Do you see that pee pee on the floor in the corner? I have no idea how it got there. Perhaps my elderly associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens might be having a little problem because of his age. We’ll have to give it a good sniff and take some time to analyze it properly. Maybe we should send it to a lab for DNA testing and then set up a Congressional subcommittee to investigate further. Or, try this: I saw an ant there and so I had to do something quick about it before the whole colony came charging up through that little crack in the corner over there. Oh, and it’s not so bad. It will dry up soon and then no one will even know it’s there. Except for us doggies and our sensitive sense of smell. It’s good practice for us to have old pee spots to keep sniffing skills sharp. Hey, with all this global warming and fracking to worry about—and what about those darn Republicans?—a doggie can’t help but be nervous.

But you know what? That leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Bleah!




I think I’m better off saying, yes, it was I who made that pee pee in the corner. I’m sorry about that and I’ll try my best not to do it again. Now that’s called taking personal responsibility. If everybody would be honest about things, the world would be a better place. And that’s a memo.



                                                                     I am not elderly!

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