Wednesday, May 29, 2013

FLASHBACK

Here are a few TDBs that I wrote while I was running for President last Fall.

Nap Time
                                
Good afternoon, and thank you for joining us on The Daily Bone. I'm your host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, Registered Cocker Spaniel, and chairman of the Squeaky Party. Squeaky Toys For All!

In my campaign for president, I have been asked repeatedly what I think would be the best solution to anger and violence in this world. I have several excellent solutions, which you have heard me say many times before, but today I'm taking a closer look at one of my favorites: nap time.

It is generally known that lack of sleep results in fatigue, irritability, anger, frustration, inability to focus on and cope with tasks or deal with others, and downright grumpiness. After observing the recent violence in the Middle East, I couldn't help but notice that the riots continued into all hours of the night. These people are obviously not getting enough sleep. I suggest regular nap times for them. Every three or four hours, they should simply lie down and go to sleep. They will be amazed at how much better they feel afterward. Furthermore, they might even realize that whatever they were so angry about doesn't seem quite as bad after a good sleep.

Many might complain that there is no place to take a nap in the middle of the day, at work, or in the midst of a riot. I say, nonsense. While a soft blanket, a comfortable doggie bed, or the nearest couch are the most ideal sleeping spots, I have found a nice cool floor works just as well. My erudite companion, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel is known to have taken naps on the grass in the back yard. In addition, sleeping in the company of a good friend, relative, comrade, or even fellow protester, makes the experience even better. A fun romp with a squeaky toy after a good nap, and the majority of the world's problems will disappear! And that's a memo.


Mud

Welcome to another edition of The Daily Bone. I am your host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and presidential candidate. A vote for Chester, is a vote for squeaky toys for all!

Election day is almost here. I have been watching TV anxiously to see how I am doing in the race for the presidency. However, all I ever see are ads that my humans call mud slinging. I try to look carefully for the mud, but I never actually see it. Perhaps the humans are confused about what mud is. My backyard right now is full of mud. After the summer drought, and then weeks of torrential rainfall, many areas that are usually covered with grass, have turned into mud. Mud is that soft, dark brown stuff that dirt becomes after it rains a lot. If you still can’t figure out what it is, I have enclosed a photo below in which I am looking at genuine mud.

I have no problem with mud. I get it on my feet all the time, especially if there are evil squirrels to chase off my property. When I go back into the house, though, I have to jump into the bathtub—which I also enjoy—and wash it off, and that’s the end of that. Until I go out again.

So, as far as I’m concerned, mud is OK. I don’t understand how it will win or loose an election, except to “muddy” the issues. So therefore, I will use this opportunity to make my political position perfectly clear: everyone should have a squeaky toy. Squeaky toys, even if they’re covered with mud, make everyone laugh and forget about their anger and angst. America needs squeaky toys, and so does the rest of the world. Peace and squeaky toys for all!


The Day Before Election Day

Good evening, and welcome to another edition of The Daily Bone. I'm your host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party. Our slogan is: Squeaky toys for all!

Well, it's the last day before the great presidential election, and it has been busy! In an effort to save the environment, the Halloween pumpkins have all been tossed into the compost pile in the far corner of the yard. However, the Evil Squirrel Cartel has discovered them. They have been pilfering pumpkin seeds and smuggling them across the border all day! My associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, and I have been hard at work, maintaining constant surveillance, carrying out innumerable high speed chases, and getting mud on our feet in our relentless mission to keep the yard clear of these malicious invaders. According to our Intelligence sources, there is a distinct possibility that the secretive Bunny Militia will take over these heinous thefts after dark. Doubtless, we will have a busy night too.

I have also been keeping an eye on the television to monitor the election campaign. I really don't understand how the other candidates can spend all their time just standing around and yakking amidst throngs of people, when there is so much real work to do! What this country needs is more citizens like us who actually make a difference in the safety and protection of our great nation, and don't mind getting good and muddy while doing it. We earn our squeaky toys. So, less yap, more work, and squeaky toys for all!

Please remember to vote tomorrow.


Election Results

Welcome to The Daily Bone. I am your host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party.

I have been thinking very hard about what to say about not winning this election. It seems no matter what I say, it would sound like I’m a sore loser. Perhaps I don’t entirely understand politics. I thought that telling people about all the good things that can happen because of squeaky toys would be something everybody would like. But it seemed that people only wanted to talk about terrible things that could happen if this guy or that guy was elected. It’s not nice to call your opponents names, and make up bad things about them in order to make yourself look better. It’s also not nice to promise to give things to people that you don’t even have, or aren’t yours to give. There is something very wrong about this.

It only reinforces what I’ve always said: squeaky toys would make people happy, and then they wouldn’t feel like being mean to each other. Think of all the problems that could be solved when people are happy, instead of angry and sad. What a wonderful mission it would be to be able to buy and sell and trade squeaky toys throughout the entire world! Why wouldn’t people want to buy squeaky toys for everyone they love? Think of all the jobs it would create! Imagine what would happen if everyone bought squeaky toys to give as presents to people all over the world.

I’ve been very sad and perplexed about the results of the election. So, my humans bought me a new squeaky toy, and now I’m all happy again. See how well it works? Therefore I will continue to spread the word about the joy of squeaky toys. After all the viciousness of this year’s elections, it’s obvious that people need squeaky toys more than ever. And that’s a memo!



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