Hello. I’m your diligent doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel, and this is an infomercial for our patented Double Doggie Homeland Security System.
My energetic colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel and I would like to say thank you to our next door neighbor guy for cutting the lower branches off the blue spruce trees in his yard next to our fence, and clearing out the weeds from under there. We now have a panoramic view of the sidewalk that goes around your front yard and all the neighbors across the street from you. This has vastly improved the scope of our early warning program. We are glad to let you know that you now qualify for our free Double Doggie Homeland Security System.
This includes free barking 24/7. Sometimes we go outside as early as 5:30AM for doggie business and patrol duty. Last call is usually around 11PM, but can be as late as 2AM. If anybody walks, runs, rides a bike, scooter, or go-cart, or pushes a stroller along that sidewalk, whilst we are outside in our back yard, we will let you know with our unique double doggie stentorian alarm call.
|A-wooooooooooo! Kid on go-cart at eleven o'clock! Bark bark woof woof woof woof bark bark bark woof woof bark!|
We will keep it up until the stranger completes the entire length of the sidewalk within our purview, or until our humans yell at us to stand down and get back in the house, whichever comes first. We will also alert you to any suspicious activity across the street from your house. Whenever your neighbors arrive home from work, mow the lawn, or do any other type of front yard outdoor activity, we’ll be sure to let you know so you can go out and wave at them and say hello.
Oh, and you’ll never have to worry about the Evil Squirrel Cartel, The Conniving Chipmunk Consortium, the Bunny Militia, the Stray Cat Club, or even the Quacking Duck Empire invading your territory. We will promptly chase them all away. Annoying grackles or mourning doves? Squabbling starlings or armies of chirping sparrows? Say good bye to those noisy birds!
|woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof|
In case you’re wondering when the mail truck goes by, we’ll provide a chorus of loud barking to be sure you never miss that special delivery.
|We also offer a complimentary drive-by window service.|
You’ll never have to worry about us not getting enough rest. We take long naps to recharge our barking energy during the intervals when we’re not outside.
We hope you enjoy your new, comforting sense of safety and security while we doggies are on watch. And, as we said before, it’s all free! Thank you for your business.
The Double Doggie Homeland Security System. The best barking is always free!