Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Robot Squirrel

From a couple months ago.

Hello. I am Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and this is The Daily Bone. Welcome, and squeaky toys to all!

The nonsense about the sequester just goes on and on. People are going to get laid off, school children won’t get their lunches, airplanes will collide, and we will have to eat tainted steak. I think the television stations are competing to find more examples of the horrible things that will happen if we stop spending so much money.

On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve been hearing reports about the government wasting our tax dollars on all kinds of silly things. For example: $325,000 for a robot squirrel. This is a fake squirrel that flicks its tail to see if rattlesnakes will leave it alone. When I heard about this, I just about choked on my dinner. My dignified colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens was equally flabbergasted. We have been barking and howling with outrage all afternoon about it. If you have been following The Daily Bone, you would know our opinion of the evil Squirrel Cartel. These sneaky creatures cause all kinds of destruction and havoc. They raid the bird feeders, dig holes in the ground, build unsightly nests in the trees, and steal pumpkin seeds from the compost pile. In 2009, we discovered they had set up headquarters for their covert operations inside the shed for an entire winter. Below is a photo of Joey dog sniffing the wreckage our humans had to clean out of there. (That pink stuff is actually chewed up insulation and cardboard mixed with squirrel excrement!) He can assure you in no uncertain terms that the stench was great. We can tell you conclusively that a squirrel flicking its tail will do absolutely nothing to prevent us from chasing it off our property. This information was collected using exactly zero tax dollars. And that’s a memo.




No comments:

Post a Comment