How to Climb a Tree by C. Stephens RN
Whoa! Look at that tree! I betcha I can climb it faster than you can. Last one up’s a poopy head!
1. Child expresses interest in climbing tree in back yard with his friends.
2. Parent sets a play date for August 14, 2015 and sends out “save the date” notices to a select group of friends.
3. Parent hires a lawyer to write up legally binding waivers for the childrens’ parents to sign before the tree climbing event.
4. Parent checks with local zoning board to make sure no one objects to a tree climbing event.
4. Parent searches on line and hires a reputable tree surgeon to establish that the tree is safe to climb and there are no weak branches.
5. Parent consults the EPA to be sure the tree is not an endangered species and that no endangered species might be living in the tree.
6. Three months prior to tree climbing event, parent sends out official invitations, along with the waivers. No child will be allowed to participate in the event unless the waiver is signed and notarized.
7. Parent hires a climbing expert with tree climbing experience and rents the appropriate safety equipment for the event, including helmets, safety ropes, knee and elbow pads, and an array of nets to put on the ground under the tree in case someone falls.
8. One week before the event, parents have tree surgeon return and recheck tree for problems.
9. Parent hires emergency personnel to be present during the event in case anyone gets a cut or scratch.
10. Parent sends child to grandparent’s house for a couple days.
11. While child is gone, parent chops the tree down. When the child returns, parents tell the child the tree was struck by lightning and fell down while he was visiting Gramma and Grandpa.
12. Parents plant a new tree and tells the child he can reschedule his tree climbing event in thirty years when the baby tree is big enough to climb.