Sunday, September 29, 2013

Let's Have a Crisis!

Hello everybody! This is The Daily Bone and I’m your fabulous doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.


Today we’re going to play a game called Let’s Have a Crisis! Hooray! We have a whole barrage of terrible, horrible, very bad things going on. Our first contestant gets to choose between defunding Obama-Care and shutting down the entire government. The prize is a tax hike no matter what happens. I couldn’t find anybody who wanted to play, so I went out in the back yard and caught a mousie. It took me an hour to track him down, and I dug up a whole bunch of plants in the process. Finally I caught him and gave him a good shake that sent him flying into the mulch by the side of the house. My humans finally captured him in the bottom of the compost bucket. But here he is ladies and gentlemen, in the photo below. Look how excited he is to be in our most apocalyptic show ever! You should hear him squeak! Well, back to the game, in order to help him decide which choice is the right one, we had him listen to endless hours of political analysis on TV. Wasn't that fun?
Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!

To make this deal even better, we’re adding two more crisis situations that are sure to bring about the end of the world (again) namely the Debt Ceiling and the Bailout for Detroit. Wow! What a line-up! Mr. Mousie is squeaking even louder now. Just imagine how wonderful it will be when our government plunges us into even more in debt than ever before! And you, Mr. Mousie, will have the honor of paying for it all!

OK, seriously. If you’ve been watching the news lately, it seems like this is all a big game show. You would certainly feel like the world is coming to an end (again) and life as we know it will be over. Mr. Mousie wasn’t very happy about being involved in any of this, and we let him go in the front yard. I was in big trouble for digging up the garden and getting all dirty. I later found out that Mr. Mousie was, in fact, a shrew, and I probably should have left him alone so he can go on eating the slugs that are ruining the hostas. As far as all those politicians arguing about how to spend more and more our hard-earned tax money, I am very tempted to send them all to a time-out until they can think of a way to compromise for what’s best for all of our citizens using the least amount of tax money, rather than what’s best for their next election campaign. We’re all sick and tired of this endless crisis. And that’s a memo.




Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Squirrel-abuster

Good morning humans and doggies! This is a special morning edition of The Daily Bone, and I'm your energetic doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark
Wow! You know how much I like filibusters. It means someone can stand up and talk about something for as long as he wants and everybody else has to listen. There is a politician guy who is doing just that right now. He’s been going for over twenty hours and counting. He is against the Affordable Care Act and is reciting all the problems with it. I’m not sure what green eggs and ham have to do with it, but he mentioned them too. Sounds yummy to me, and since I’m color blind, I don’t care what color the food is. And I imagine that after talking for so long, he doesn’t care either. He even mentioned—and you can look up what he said if you don't believe me—that a camel hair brush is made out of squirrel fur! Bwahahahahaha! Why would a camel brush its hair with a squirrel anyway? Seriously, you can't even make this stuff up!

I have been carrying out my own filibuster against the Evil Squirrel Cartel, despite the fact that my colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens has criticized me for barking up the wrong tree. Since the pears are now gone, the squirrels have been raiding the bird feeders with renewed determination, even though there are plenty of acorns and crab apples in the neighborhood for them. Somebody has to stand up for the little birdies. They need their seeds because they have to get fat so they can survive the winter. I made a promise to them: if you like your bird seeds, you can keep your bird seeds. If you like your bird feeder, your can keep your bird feeder. And if you like your humans who provide the bird seeds, you can keep them too. I intend to keep my promises. Soooooo, I will continue my efforts to keep those nasty seed-stealing bushy-tailed criminals stuck up in the big silver maple tree, and all the other trees in my yard for that matter, where they aren’t bothering the birdies, even if I have to stay outside and bark all day! And that’s a memo.

bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark

bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark

Monday, September 23, 2013

Duck, Duck, Goose


What the duck?

Good evening. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. We believe squeaky toys will make the world a better place.

I have been trying to figure out what a Duck Dynasty is. I’m not very familiar with ducks. Occasionally they fly through our sovereign air space, although nowhere near as often as the gigantic flocks of geese do. Every Spring we get a lone duck waddling around in the green belt territory next to our yard. But upon discovering there are no permanent ponds there, it leaves and doesn’t return until next year at the same time. Geese, on the other hand, stick around. You might call them Occupy Mall Street, because they seem to favor catch ponds and ditches around shopping plazas. The only time they ever leave is when the ponds completely freeze over. In the meantime, they block traffic, and leave mushy green blobs of poop on every sidewalk and parking lot. Sometimes they infuriate farmers by eating fields of beans and leafy green crops. Every Fall, they fly in around in huge groups making a lot of loud honking noises that can be heard at all hours of the day and night. Their tight v-formation flight patterns suggest that perhaps there is some kind of military training going on.


I contacted Professor Braydie Spiker to see if she knew anything about ducks around her home on Planet Florida. Although she was busy catching unidentified flying objects in her secret laboratory, she took the time to answer my questions. She said there are special exotic weirdo ducks that live in the mall parking lots there, and it’s illegal to harm any of them. I wondered what happened if an alligator climbed out of a canal and ate them. Would he get arrested too? Braydie didn’t know the answer to that, but she warned me that I should never leave my car in the alligator’s parking space, or else I’ll end up walking home. They also have vultures that pick the plastic off your vehicles, giant egret and heron sentinels watching over all the waterways, toothy snakehead fish that sometimes walk around on the land, seventeen foot pythons who would gladly eat doggies for dinner, panhandlers who try to get money from you when you’re stuck at a stop light, and battalions of tiny lizards that don’t hesitate to jump onto your face when you least expect it. Given all that, ducks and geese are not a big problem. Florida must be a strange and dangerous planet indeed! Oh, but then Professor Braydie had to excuse herself because during our conversation, another paranormal balloon attack had occurred that she had to analyze immediately. 

I want to believe.
Well, getting back to my main subject, I thought about the word, dynasty. That usually designates a ruling family of some kind, especially when talking about China, and the Far East. That brings to mind movies about vast imperial armies who go around burning villages and executing the people there. Maybe that’s what a duck dynasty is! Perhaps the lone duck that shows up every Spring is a spy  investigating the local Goose Empire, in preparation for an invasion, and—

Oh … My humans turned on the television and started watching Duck Dynasty. To my amazement, it had hardly anything to do with either ducks or evil despotic rulers, but rather a bunch of bearded guys getting into mischief. Occasionally they stopped to whittle a new duck call device. By selling those duck call things, they had made millions of dollars, so that now they can do anything they want all day. AND they get paid to be on TV doing whatever they want. So I guess I don’t have to worry about ducks and geese fighting it out in the fields and skies of our beloved homeland. Wow, that’s a relief! And that’s a memo. 

Don't look now Chester, but … um … I think that's a duck. 
We're doomed.
To be continued …

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Unintended Consequences


Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and doggies. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens sitting in for Chester L. W. Stephens. You will find out why in a minute.

Hehehehehe.

As we reported last week, the humans have cut down a big branch from the silver maple tree in our back yard. This branch was a major escape route for members of the Evil Squirrel Cartel. We also finally harvested the last of the delicious yum yum pears from the pear tree. So now the squirrels have nothing much to steal except for bird seeds from the feeders. You might think all is well in the world now, and we doggies can take a much needed break from chasing those bushy-tailed miscreants. However, they still haven’t gotten it through their nutty little heads that there are no more pears to steal, and keep invading our territory anyway, searching for the fruit. Then we doggies run out and chase them. They flee straight up the big maple tree, only to discover that their superhighway out of town has been removed, and they are now trapped. That’s good enough for me, and I go back indoors for my doggie treat reward. But Chester doesn’t give up. He stays outside and keeps barking up at those demented squirrels stuck in the tree, sometimes for hours, even in the rain and mud. Our humans have to go out and bring him inside with a leash. What a dumdum! I’m sure the humans didn’t think of this consequence of their actions either! And that’s a memo.

Barking up the wrong tree.


Friday, September 20, 2013

Mission Accomplished

Hi everybody! This is The Daily Bone, and I am your loyal and vigilant doggie host Chester L. W. Spaniel, chairman of the Squeaky Party, along with my dedicated and hard-working colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Yum Yum Coalition.
Yum.
Fall is a great time of year! The weather is fine and sunny, the flowers are blooming, and best of all, the pears are ripe. Today our humans picked the last remaining pears from the tree which Joey dog and I have been guarding all summer. It's been a lot of work keeping the Evil Squirrel Cartel from stealing them. Because of our diligent efforts, our humans were able to collect almost two bushels of delicious, yum yum pears, not including the ones we doggies picked ourselves for our own consumption every day for the last month. This wonderful harvest was distributed to all our neighbors and coworkers who enjoyed them very  much. One neighbor gave us a big piece of pear pie she had made, and it was heavenly. Thank you so much!  


Here we are in the photos below, hard at work carrying out one of our many surveillance missions in the hot summer sun, sniffing for squirrel tracks. This job was not without its hazards. There have been many times a pear fell out of the tree and hit us on the head. Perhaps we should have been wearing safety helmets. However, we were uninjured because, according to our humans, we are a couple of boneheads anyway.

 
 

If you are some of the few people who actually like squirrels, don't worry. There are also plenty of pears in the compost pile that they may have. These were the ones that were too small or funny shaped, but they still taste good. I'm sure the chipmunks, mousies and bunnies will avail themselves of this treat as well. After a snack (of pears, of course) and a drink of water, we doggies are going to lie down in the nice soft grass under the pear tree and enjoy listening to the wind rustling through the leaves, confident we won't be pelted by any more falling fruit. Life is good.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Pizza For Lunch!


Our good friend Jon Jon posted a review on his blog (see link below) of the pizza place he visited with his humans, and now look what we got for lunch! We made him a member of the Yum Yum Coalition immediately. Thanks Jon Jon!


http://petfriendlystl.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Squirrel Super Highway Update

Hello. This is The Daily Bone, and I'm your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

Here is an update on the squirrel super highway project. A couple days ago, the rest of that big branch was cut down. (This, you remember, was frequently used by the Evil Squirrel Cartel as their main escape route when we catch them invading our territory.) We doggies had to watch from the window when the big heavy branch came crashing down with a huge thump. It was spectacular!

Crack, crack, crash, whomp!
Wow!
Here I am inspecting it for squirrel foot prints.
Well, then we filled up the bird feeders and waited to see what the squirrels would do. There was no squirrel activity right after the branch came down, probably because the noise of the chain saw scared them away. But the next day they came creeping around to steal the seeds, while Joey dog and I waited quietly by the back door. We rushed out to chase them and they zipped right up the big silver maple, but were foiled when they discovered their super highway had vanished! Bwa-hahahaha! They sat up in the tree and scolded while we doggies rolled on the ground laughing! Finally they came down and tip toed along the top of the fence. We gave them a final chase and that was that. Hooray!

However, although this battle is won, the war is not over. We happened to see a spy video last night (address below.) This was an excellent report from our human intelligence department outlining the persistence of the Squirrel Cartel in it's unending terror campaign in the USA and the UK. Joey dog and I wouldn't be surprised if there are squirrel training camps somewhere in a third world country where these little bushy-tailed thieves learn their bird feeder break-in techniques. So, doggies of the world, stay vigilant. We are still the best defense against the evil Squirrel Cartel. And that's a memo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXJF9M7y6YQ

A doggie's work is never done!
Yup.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Spaniel, along with my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel.

It seems that suddenly Fall is here. One day it was a sweltering ninety degrees, and the next day it was fifty. But, as the saying goes here in Western New York, if you don't like the weather, just wait a minute. Of course, the humans have yet another weird tradition for celebrating the commencement of Fall: pumpkin spice latte. Blah. Here are ten reasons why we are so over pumpkin spice latte season:

  Um, sleeping is better?
Seriously, why would you spend over $5 for a drink of something
when there's perfectly good water in the toilet bowl that is absolutely free?
Because after pumpkin spice latte season comes Christmas shopping
season, and that means you'll make me put on silly costumes like this.
Pumpkin spice latte is fattening.
Yum yum crunchy meatball doggie food has all the nutrients
you need for a long and healthy life!



Because you're way overdue for buying me a new squeaky
toy instead of that silly drink! Bark bark bark!


Because you're in such a hurry to go out and get one,
you forgot to take me for a walk!
Who needs all that artificially flavored sugary sweet stuff when you
can have delicious all natural pears right from the tree?
But all in all, we're going to go with sleeping as a better
alternative to pumpkin spice latte.
Yup.
for more reasons, check out the address below:


How did this get here?

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Squirrel Super Highway

Hi. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my esteemed associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens. 

Today was a very important day. Our humans removed a major squirrel superhighway branch from the big tree in our backyard. This silver maple tree is enormous and the branches stretch across almost the whole back yard. The evil Squirrel Cartel, as you know, regularly invades our territory to steal seeds from the bird feeders and pears from our pear tree. When we doggies spot them, we run out and chase them up into that tree. They then run along that branch to the hawthorn tree and escape out of the yard. Apparently the branch was also getting too close to the house, so the humans decided to cut it down.
Route 66
We stayed in the house during the cutting event for our own safety, but we were allowed out once it was down. To our surprise one of our humans was lying on the ground under the branch. Oh no! Here are pictures of it. It turned out he was just playing a trick on us.

Oh oh, Daddy's down!

Is he all right?


 Aw, he's just faking it!
Well, all jokes aside, we proceeded to inspect the branch thoroughly. It did have the scent of squirrel paws on it. Blah! We can’t wait to see what the next squirrel does when he finds out his main escape route has disappeared. It’s going to be so funny! To celebrate, we helped ourselves to a few of the delicious pears we’ve been protecting from those thieving squirrels all summer. Yum!


  
We smell squirrel paws.
After all that, we went inside and turned on the TV news. If only the solutions to the world’s problems were as easy as simply cutting down a branch! As I always say, send them squeaky toys. They will soon forget what they are so angry about. But somehow, killing a lot of people with poison gas seems too depraved and serious for even squeaky toys to solve. All I can think of now are cliches: two wrongs don’t make a right, damned if we do and damned if we don't, and try to choose the lesser of two evils. And that's a memo.

Where the heck is Ironing Board Man when you need him?


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

9/11

Joey dog and I are thinking about all the doggies whose humans didn't come home that day, and their families.


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Fancy Picture Magic Stuff

Somebody put a photo of my esteemed colleague. Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens on facebook. Is it election time already, or did I miss something?