Monday, September 23, 2013

Duck, Duck, Goose


What the duck?

Good evening. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. We believe squeaky toys will make the world a better place.

I have been trying to figure out what a Duck Dynasty is. I’m not very familiar with ducks. Occasionally they fly through our sovereign air space, although nowhere near as often as the gigantic flocks of geese do. Every Spring we get a lone duck waddling around in the green belt territory next to our yard. But upon discovering there are no permanent ponds there, it leaves and doesn’t return until next year at the same time. Geese, on the other hand, stick around. You might call them Occupy Mall Street, because they seem to favor catch ponds and ditches around shopping plazas. The only time they ever leave is when the ponds completely freeze over. In the meantime, they block traffic, and leave mushy green blobs of poop on every sidewalk and parking lot. Sometimes they infuriate farmers by eating fields of beans and leafy green crops. Every Fall, they fly in around in huge groups making a lot of loud honking noises that can be heard at all hours of the day and night. Their tight v-formation flight patterns suggest that perhaps there is some kind of military training going on.


I contacted Professor Braydie Spiker to see if she knew anything about ducks around her home on Planet Florida. Although she was busy catching unidentified flying objects in her secret laboratory, she took the time to answer my questions. She said there are special exotic weirdo ducks that live in the mall parking lots there, and it’s illegal to harm any of them. I wondered what happened if an alligator climbed out of a canal and ate them. Would he get arrested too? Braydie didn’t know the answer to that, but she warned me that I should never leave my car in the alligator’s parking space, or else I’ll end up walking home. They also have vultures that pick the plastic off your vehicles, giant egret and heron sentinels watching over all the waterways, toothy snakehead fish that sometimes walk around on the land, seventeen foot pythons who would gladly eat doggies for dinner, panhandlers who try to get money from you when you’re stuck at a stop light, and battalions of tiny lizards that don’t hesitate to jump onto your face when you least expect it. Given all that, ducks and geese are not a big problem. Florida must be a strange and dangerous planet indeed! Oh, but then Professor Braydie had to excuse herself because during our conversation, another paranormal balloon attack had occurred that she had to analyze immediately. 

I want to believe.
Well, getting back to my main subject, I thought about the word, dynasty. That usually designates a ruling family of some kind, especially when talking about China, and the Far East. That brings to mind movies about vast imperial armies who go around burning villages and executing the people there. Maybe that’s what a duck dynasty is! Perhaps the lone duck that shows up every Spring is a spy  investigating the local Goose Empire, in preparation for an invasion, and—

Oh … My humans turned on the television and started watching Duck Dynasty. To my amazement, it had hardly anything to do with either ducks or evil despotic rulers, but rather a bunch of bearded guys getting into mischief. Occasionally they stopped to whittle a new duck call device. By selling those duck call things, they had made millions of dollars, so that now they can do anything they want all day. AND they get paid to be on TV doing whatever they want. So I guess I don’t have to worry about ducks and geese fighting it out in the fields and skies of our beloved homeland. Wow, that’s a relief! And that’s a memo. 

Don't look now Chester, but … um … I think that's a duck. 
We're doomed.
To be continued …

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