Thursday, December 1, 2016

Shelf Elf

Hello fellow Holiday revelers! This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter 
Chester L. W. Spaniel. 


Today I'm posting my annual Shelf Elf Disposal ad. Even though I'm the only doggie left in the Double Doggie Homeland Security System, since my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel crossed the Rainbow Bridge, I'm ready, willing, and able to provide this service to all who need it. 

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM SPECIAL OFFER


Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System is offering a fantastic, limited, one time only deal: 

FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE

Yes, you heard it right! This service is completely free! Simply bring your despicable Shelf Elf to our workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for eight years now, and am thus uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.


THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE: 

The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done in strict confidentiality. 

You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into random trash bags.

We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of Shelf Elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, we have heard from a reliable source that many of these things are really just mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company and not connected to Santa at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing personal information about your behavior and eating habits, Shelf Elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers.  

Like your social security number and computer passwords.

Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying Shelf Elf thing with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!  

But remember, this is a limited time offer. You must act fast. This offer will only be available until December 25, 2016! *

As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers!

The Other Coast

THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM

PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7

AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE! 

(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.) 


*After December 25, 2015, if you do not use our shredding service, for your safety, we suggest you put your evil elf in a hermetically sealed plastic bag and then store it in a large storage bin in your basement or attic, where it will be effectively deactivated. Other suggestions: bon fire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.




16 comments:

  1. That is a wonderful shredding service you are offering for free! One can never be too careful!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  2. I don't got wun ov those evil elfs! They sound like they need to be dee stroyed!

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  3. What a great deal! We don't have one of those nasty shelf elves and we hope one never shows up here. If he does, we know exactly how to handle him now! Thanks, Chester!

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  4. I offer tree rat shredding services if anyone's interested...BOL!

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  5. This is a wonderful service you are offering Chester!
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & mabel

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  6. That's a great idea! Mom has about six of those awful things hanging from her 1960's aluminum wheel like monkeys. I suggested taping one of them splayed out on the color wheel for knife throwing and she got all horrified as apparently her elves are from the 60's too and that makes them "retro cool" or something stupid like that. Elves be-gone!

    Abby Lab

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  7. Perfect idea to get rid of those scary fellas
    Lily & Edward

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  8. We are lucky we don't have one of those evil things in our house. You are very brave to provide this service to Blogville.

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  9. Crikey Chester .... You're quite the professional business man about town, aye?? Wanna hear a funny story about one of those elf blokes?? The three little girls have this female one that spies on them. Her name is Evie. Well her Mum stored her in their garage after last Christmas and guess what. A mouse got into the box she was stored in and DIED in there!! When our Jen got the box out this year ..... oh my!!! THE SMELL ....... the little girls love Evie so Jen was beside herself. She took her outside and febreezed her and left her out EVERY DAY for a week in the sun and guess what? She still smells ..... but not all that bad so she is being used to spy on the girls this year but maybe a new Evie is in order for next year, aye??

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    1. Crikey, Charlie, you'd think the mouse would have at least eaten Evie befure he croaked!

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  10. One of our favorite Christmas services you offer, Chester!! We are going to try again this year to sneak Ernie, the Elf, into a box and send him to you!
    Smileys!
    Dory, Jakey, Arty & Bilbo

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  11. You had us laughing today, Chester. Genius business idea!

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  12. Oh Chester, you are the best :) Mom needed this smile today for sure! She HATES those silly elves and would LOVE to have you take care of ALL of them!
    Luvs
    Marty

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  13. Chester we have never had the pleasure of hosting an Elf on a Shelf but boy have we heard tales about that Elf. HE GETS around even with short floppy legs
    Hugs Madi your bfff

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  14. We have one of those elves at our house. He lives in the Christmas tree. We thought it was our job to watch HIM. You mean he's been watching us???! OMD!! ::thud!::

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  15. Oh, dear me...we three furs here saw petcretary bring out the big green shelf elf that tries to live here now...there are nevfur Santa's here but elves?? Well there is now!! Can you come over here.
    We will pay you with free snow:)
    Take all of it if you wish...

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