Greetings kitties, humans, and fellow doggies. This is The daily Bone and we're your trustworthy doggie reporters Chester L. W. Spaniel and Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel.
'Tis the season to be jolly … and vigilant! Here's our post from last year regarding that yearly menace, the Shelf Elf.
Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more!
Yes, you heard it right! This service is completely free! Simply bring your despicable Shelf Elf to our workshop. Joey dog will inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then, personally, shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for seven years now, and am thus uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.
You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into random trash bags.
We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of Shelf Elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, we have heard from a reliable source that many of these things are really just mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company and not connected to Santa at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing personal information about your behavior and eating habits, Shelf Elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers.
As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers!
*After December 25, 2015, if you do not use our shredding service, for your safety, we suggest you put your evil elf in a hermetically sealed plastic bag and then store it in a large storage bin in your basement or attic, where it will be effectively deactivated. Other suggestions: bon fire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.
Hello friends and fans. I am your savvy doggie reporter and internet celebrity
Chester L. W. Spaniel along with my adroit colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel.
Together we are:
THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM.
Has your house been invaded by an annoying little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well worry no more!
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| Just pretend I'm not here. |
The Double Doggie Homeland Security System is offering a fantastic, limited, one time only deal:
FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE
Yes, you heard it right! This service is completely free! Simply bring your despicable Shelf Elf to our workshop. Joey dog will inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then, personally, shred it! I have been developing and perfecting my squeaky toy un-stuffing, de-squeaking, and fragmentation skills for seven years now, and am thus uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.
THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE:
The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done in strict confidentiality.
You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into random trash bags.
We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of Shelf Elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, we have heard from a reliable source that many of these things are really just mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company and not connected to Santa at all! Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing personal information about your behavior and eating habits, Shelf Elf puts you at risk for identity theft, security breach, and hackers.
Just imagine! Your life will finally be free of that annoying Shelf Elf thing with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long, gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruit cake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!
But remember, this is a limited time offer. You must act fast. This offer will only be available until December 25, 2015! *
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| … like your social security number and computer passwords. |
As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers!
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| Oh thank goodness! |
THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM
PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7
AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE!
(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)
*After December 25, 2015, if you do not use our shredding service, for your safety, we suggest you put your evil elf in a hermetically sealed plastic bag and then store it in a large storage bin in your basement or attic, where it will be effectively deactivated. Other suggestions: bon fire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.
we have heard so many bad stories about that elf on the shelf - we are glad one doesn't live here
ReplyDeleteDear Chester and Joey,
ReplyDeleteThat is creepy. Eat it. I won't tell.
Licks,
Cobi
If we see a shelf elf around here we are most certainly calling you. We have enough trouble around here with with Mom's professional forensic nose figuring out WHO snagged that piece of leftover meatloaf off the counter, or who dragged the wrappers from her Baby Ruth Bar out of the garbage.
ReplyDeleteAbby Lab
OMD!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SHRED THESE DAMN ANTLERS!!!!!
ReplyDelete(and I will pay in the form of margaritas and cookies from my secret stash that no one knows about...wait...is that an ELF???? crap. I might need help with that too....)
Kisses,
Ruby ♥
I will keep on the watch fur just such an elf as you have shown us all...I think I have your number somewhere...
ReplyDeleteWOOFS!
What a great services yous offering there Chester, I haven't seen self Elf but if you could shred that Santa hat I would be VERY pleased!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLoves and licky kisses
Princess Leah xxx
He he our shelf Elf lost one eye, I really don't know how he did that. But know he's only spying half the way LOL :)
ReplyDeleteOMD OMD We can't believe it.... not only are there all out invasions of Snow Freaks... butt NOW these hideous Shelf Elves... are on the loose... Deaded and Shred them All boyz... and while you are at it... could you PLEASE Shred and Deaded some Snow Freaks?
ReplyDeleteWe ahve not seen one here, but we will let you know if we do!
ReplyDeletehugs
Mr Bailey, Hazel & mabel
BOL!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, that little guy will be spotted everywhere in our house shortly. Our human sib is only 7 so we kinda have to keep our 'new' tradition. Grrrr....
Momo & Pinot xo
Thank goodness that elf didn't make his way here
ReplyDeleteLily & Edward
Our mom saw one of those shelf elves in Florida! Thank doG it didn't follow her home!
ReplyDelete