Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Shut Up and Play Nice!
Hello. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your exasperated doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, where we believe squeaky toys will save the world.
Well, well, well. The President is on vacation and so is Congress. You would think during that time they would take a break from bashing each other. But no. The President took time out of his busy golf game to say the Republicans want to “stick it” to you by trying to defund the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans say they must stop it in its tracks before it wrecks our economy. The NSA is spying on us, the IRS is taking sides, and there is still no answer to who killed our ambassador to Libya. The president declared that these are all phony bologna scandals. In the meantime, the Middle East is in shambles, and the rest of the world couldn’t care less what we say. Will it ever end?
This sounds like a job for the Squeaky Party! While all those politicians are away on vacation, we’re going to take over the government. I want every single one of these politicians’ pets to report to the Capital building right away. Now listen up Sparky (and Fluffy and Spot) here’s the plan. First, we will stop all funding to countries who hate us, effective immediately. Use the money to fill in that horrible debt hole! Inform the President that now he has to pay for his own transportation. That should save a bundle! Next, we’ll tackle natural disaster relief. Easy. If you build your house right smack in the middle of a flood zone, and then it floods, we’ll help you rebuild—somewhere else! OK, immigration. If you’re ready to be productive, law-abiding citizens and pay taxes, welcome. If you’re from a drug cartel, or a terror organization, or just want to sponge off our welfare system, keep out. We have ways of spying on you.
Wait a minute! This just in: the President is back from vacation now. Drat! Well, Bo, here’s your chance to really serve your country. I’m going to tell you my top-secret strategy for stalling your humans from leaving the house. Go get your favorite squeaky toy, and roll it under the biggest, heaviest piece of furniture in the house. Now bark and whine piteously for your human to retrieve it for you. That should keep him from going out for at least a few hours. Wait for him to go to the bathroom, and then barricade him in there. Keep the entire household busy by grabbing something valuable, like the First Lady’s designer shoe, and running around the house with it as fast as you can. Jump in the pool, then jump on the President so he gets all wet and has to change clothes. Now chew up all his socks, and then drop your squeaky toy down the heating vent. If all else fails, barf on the rug.
What’s that? You’re waiting to find out what squeaky toys have to do with all this? After we’re done saving the USA, the Squeaky Party plans to: a.) carpet bomb North Korea and Iran with squeaky toys, b.) fill the capitol building and the white house with millions of squeaky toys, and c.) deport every single squirrel. When those politicians return from vacation, the world will be a better place, the budget will be balanced, and there won’t be anything else to do, but shut up and play nice. And that’s a memo.