Monday, July 8, 2013

Serious Business


Doggie Chief Inspector, Comestibles Division, and Yum Yum Guru Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.
Greetings loyal fans! This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your erstwhile doggie host, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, founder of the local Yum Yum Coalition, where food is very serious business. I’m filling in for Chester L. W. Stephens again—not that he needs much more filling. But this time we agreed that since I have the most experience regarding all things edible, I should do today’s TDB.

Fancy dog food. Why? It has little bits that look like vegetables and a fancy name like Tuscan style. Again, why? Doggies aren’t fussy eaters. In fact you can go to shameddog.com and find out all the strange things doggies eat. Doggies do fine eating regular dry doggie food (AKA crunchy meatballs.) If you think your doggie craves variety, give him your leftover broccoli, carrots, rice, potatoes, green beans, peas, asparagus, noodles, fruit, cauliflower, salad, tomatoes, cabbage, peanut butter, fish, chicken, eggs, meat, parsnips, rutabagas, um, toast, bratwurst, pop tarts … ah … wait a minute. This list is getting a little too long. How about the foods doggies should never eat? Chocolate, garlic, onions, grapes, raisins, and artificial sweeteners. Oh, and you can skip the citrus fruit, celery and shell fish because doggies don't like that stuff. Blah!

So, when should you feed your doggie and how much? Usually the dog food package will have guidelines that go according to the weight of your doggie. Some people argue it’s best to have scheduled doggie meal times, and give the exact amount of food listed on the package. Others, like our humans, like to leave a bowl of dry doggie food available at all times. I think this depends on how your doggie eats. If he will wolf down whatever food is available without stopping when he’s full, then scheduled times and measured amounts are best. If your doggie is like me, just leave it out and I’ll eat when I’m hungry. I have maintained my trim figure for over ten years like that. Chester, on the other hand, tends to overeat and has become portly. My wayward student still hasn’t mastered the art of waiting until the humans are done with their meal and all leftovers have been accounted for, before eating the doggie food. But I’ll keep working on him. Here’s a photo of us practicing the proper food watching stance. Note his over sized backside. He’s still not taking things seriously enough as evidenced by his clownish expression. As I’ve said before, yum yums are serious business. And that’s a memo.

Tsk tsk. Bad technique.
Serious, serious business. So what are you going to do with that apple core?
Food watch fail. Notice how Chester is off to the side where the human can't see him, and he is not in proper food watching stance. I, however, am in the proper sitting stance, with my eye on the food at all times.
Food watch fail. Big time! A well behaved doggie never tries to steal food off the counter!
Maximum fail. Obtrusive begging never wins you a tasty morsel. How does Chester maintain his rotund shape if his food watching techniques are so bad? The world may never know.

No comments:

Post a Comment