Greetings friends and fans! This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter
Chester L. W. Spaniel.
It's that time of year again! Time for me to post my yearly Elf on the Shelf shredding service. So here it is!
DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM SPECIAL OFFER
DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM SPECIAL OFFER
Has your house been invaded by a little alien called a Shelf Elf? Does it sit and spy on you day in and day out? Does it show up in the most unlikely places and stare at you whenever you eat an extra cookie? Well, worry no more! The Double Doggie Homeland Security System has a fantastic, limited, one time only deal.
FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE!
Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it. I have developing and perfecting my squeaky toy unstuffing, desqueaking, and fragmentation skills for eleven years now, and thus am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.
FREE SHELF ELF SHREDDING SERVICE!
Yes, you heard it right! Simply bring your despicable elf to my workshop. I will personally inspect it for bombs and listening devices, and give it a good slobbering. I will then shred it. I have developing and perfecting my squeaky toy unstuffing, desqueaking, and fragmentation skills for eleven years now, and thus am uniquely qualified for this dangerous and tricky procedure.
THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM GUARANTEE:
The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done is strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into multiple random trash bags.
We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not related to Santa Claus at all. Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk of identity theft, security breach, and hackers. I've even heard that they are now connected to the PC Police! What a horrible thought!
The destruction and disposal of your devious shelf elf will be done is strict confidentiality. You will never have to worry about crime scene evidence. I will render the plastic head part into tiny bits, and the cloth parts into shreds, which my humans will discreetly scatter into multiple random trash bags.
We are sure Santa will never be able to keep track of the millions of shelf elf entities out there spying and tattling. They all look pretty much alike. In fact, I heard from a reliable source that these things are really mindless clones, mass produced by some big foreign manufacturing company, and not related to Santa Claus at all. Who would perpetrate such a devious spy campaign? Besides passing along personal information about your behavior and eating habits, shelf elf puts you at risk of identity theft, security breach, and hackers. I've even heard that they are now connected to the PC Police! What a horrible thought!
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| Like your social security number and computer codes! |
Just imagine, your life will be free of that annoying shelf elf, with its prying eyes, leering smirk, bulbous cheekbones, and long gangly limbs! You will be able to enjoy your illicit cookies, candy canes, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, eggnog, and holiday fruitcake without guilt or worry about that tattletale elf!
But remember, this is a limited time offer. You must act fast. This offer will only be available until December 25, 2019.*
As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers.
As an extra bonus, we will also shred Santa hats and fake antlers for the first five callers.
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| Thank goodness! |
THE DOUBLE DOGGIE HOMELAND SECURITY SYSTEM
PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7
AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE!
(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)
PROTECTING YOUR TERRITORY AND PRIVACY 24/7
AND BARKING IS ALWAYS FREE!
(Donations of yum yum doggie treats are gratefully accepted.)
*After December 25, if you do not use our shredding service, we suggest you put your elf into a hermetically sealed plastic bag, and then store in a large plastic bin in your basement, attic, or crawlspace, where it will be temporarily deactivated. Other disposal suggestions: bonfire, trash can, your nearest deep body of water, or burial under six feet of dirt. The Double Doggie Homeland Security System will not be responsible for harmful side effects.
This ad is placed in loving memory of my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System.
Happy Holidays everyone!
This ad is placed in loving memory of my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel, founder of the Double Doggie Homeland Security System.
Happy Holidays everyone!
You are providing a very needed service. We don't have an elf but if we did we would send it to you.
ReplyDeleteWe need to book your service. If we ever did anything wrong, which we never do, our elf would rat us out in a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteMisty and my minions
That elf has never shown his face around here but I have antlers that need shredding!
ReplyDeleteChester that is a great service you are providing. We don't have one of those nasty shelf elf guys or hats at our house. If you need help with the shredding Walter would be happy to come help you now that his mouth is healed from his surgery.
ReplyDeleteMr. Chester sir, are you hiring? I am an expert A++ shredder and would be happy to be employed in such an impawtant position!!
ReplyDeleteThat is quite a deal you are offering for your services so we are sure many doggies will need to hire you! Luckily there aren't any evil creatures spying on us. Happy Howlidaze!
ReplyDeleteYour Pals,
Murphy & Stanley
BOL BOL Chester...I my dogs should I ever be invaded by the Shelf Elf with beady eyes I will for sure call on your Security Team. What a fun post.
ReplyDeleteGive GW and Dad a treat and tell them well done
Hugs Cecilia
We do not have an evil elf! Lady thinks they could be fun.
ReplyDeletewe have not seen one of those elves here yet but if we do we will make sure to give you a call!
ReplyDeletehugs
Mabel & hilda
Oh Chester, I am sure you are gonna gets LOTS of requests for your services!!!! Luckily, there are no such evil spies here. There are some suspicious stuffies that I am not sure aren't workin' for Putin. I will keep you posted.
ReplyDeleteKisses,
Ruby ♥
For some reason your posts are not coming to us,along with lots of others...sigh...so we just read that your Mom - AKA Ghost Writer, is home again. Hope she is doing well. You take good care of her, and don't let that elf dude bother her, let alone anyone else!
ReplyDeleteCan you spare some time for a trip to our neighborhood (the metro DC area), there is much here that requires immediate shredding attention ... and we are not referring to elves although many do have pointed heads ...
ReplyDeleteHello Chester, so happy to hear that your ghostwriter is home now!! Hope she's taking a good good rest. Oh Elf on the Shelf!!! I know our Grigio will be appeared somewhere in our house soon!!
ReplyDeletePinot xo
Brom has been keeping an eye out for him in our house, but there has been no sign of him here. Fortunately. If he had, there would certainly be a little package on its way to you very soon!
ReplyDeleteKlem, Mara
Dear Chester,
ReplyDeleteWe do not have one of these terrible looking things, but I'm wondering if perhaps you could provide the same service for the squirrel that scampers over the roof in the morning when we're trying to sleep?
Licks,
Cobi