Sunday, March 30, 2014

Never Say Never

Good morning ladies and gentlemen and doggies! This is The Daily Bone and I’m your excited doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens along with my energetic colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

Wow! Look what happened overnight! Snow! Now I know I said two TDBs ago that we were done with romping through the snow. I was wrong. So should I say now that today will be our last snow day? It’s March 30 already. Spring is supposed to be here. We should have lots of flowers by now and green grass and baby birds and leaves on the trees. It seems the weather in WNY is more fickled and contrary than ever.
I imagine there are a lot of humans out there who are groaning and complaining about this stuff, especially if they have to shovel it and go to work. It’s heavy and wet, and the snow plow just heaved great big piles of it off the road and onto the bottom of every driveway. Well, we aren’t going anywhere today. Lets just stay home and enjoy this wonderful gift from the great Polar Vortex. And that’s a memo. 





WoooooHooooo!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Another Storm!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you an important service announcement. I’m your doggie weather reporter Chester L. W. Stephens.

Although it is supposed to be getting warmer—hello, it’s Spring now—we suddenly heard the ominous sound of sleet pounding down on the roof of our house. My concerned associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I ran out to investigate. In a matter of ten minutes, the ground became covered with little ice pellets. Joey dog, who is now twelve years old, remembered that this type of precipitation can be a very bad thing. It tends to cling to things, like tree branches and electric wires, and builds up until it gets very heavy. When this happens, power lines break, tree branches come crashing down, and the electricity goes out.


We continued to closely monitor the weather all evening, and the freezing rain kept falling. I went out after dark, to check on things, but was distracted by the scent of a mousie under the lavender. It wouldn’t be the first time I found a mousie in this area. They usually creep along the side of the house in order to get to the bird seeds that fall out of the feeder in the dining room window.

I know you’re in there Mr. Mousie. Come out, come out! 
Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark—No I’m not coming in out of the rain!—there's a mousie in here somewhere! I can smell his foot prints! Bark bark bark bark bark. 
Bark bark bark bark bark! I'll bark all night if I have to!
My human got rather impatient with me because I wouldn’t come in out of the terrible weather. If it wasn’t for my water resistant cocker spaniel coat, I’d be soaking wet right now. I grudgingly came back into the house. I am now taking my rest on the chair in my human’s office.

Mousie, grumble grumble grumble … harumph 
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. It’s still raining and icy outside. I heard fire truck sirens go by on the main road, probably to rescue someone whose car slid off the road because of the icy conditions. I will be sure to keep you posted on the developing weather … um, impending disaster … um, important news bulletin freezing rainy … storm warning … 
Snnnooorrrrrrrrrrrk. 
Weather Update: 10:30 PM 

This is your humble doggie storm watcher Chester L. W. Stephens with an up-to-the-minute report on our delightful Spring weather. Wow! Look what happened while I was taking a short nap! It's snowing and blowing like crazy. Hooray! 



Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Jets and Snowflakes

Good evening friends and doggies. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
Apparently the authorities in Malaysia have announced that the jet plane that disappeared three weeks ago has crashed into the Indian Ocean. They don’t know exactly where, or why, or how. Parts of the search are being called off because of bad weather. But, knowing the humans, they will not stop looking until they find it. Sooner or later they will discover exactly what happened and where the jet is. Humans are just persistent like that when it comes to mysteries. And then, of course, the entire saga will be made into a block buster movie, or a TV series. I couldn't help but notice how many different countries were participating in the search: China, Australia, the USA, Thailand to name a few. Why can’t they all work together like that all the time instead of fighting and invading each other, and threatening to blow each other into smithereens over their differences in beliefs and politics?
In other news, today it snowed again. It has snowed almost every day for the past two weeks. For those of you that keep track of the seasons on a calender, or have enough clear skies to be able to determine that the days and nights are exactly equal right now, it’s supposed to officially be Spring now. I’ve been around long enough to know that Spring means it’s supposed to get warmer, leaves will sprout on the trees, and flowers will bloom. There’s absolutely no sign of that here. In fact, I went outside and tasted the snow flakes to see if they were any different than all the other Western New York Lake Effect snow flakes that fell over the past several months. Hmmm. I’m going to have to say, no. We have no climate change what-so-ever to report. Sorry global warming fans. Don’t get out your solar powered lawn mowers yet.
But sooner or later, due to the Earth’s tilted axis and its orbit around the sun, winter must end. Hopefully—or sadly—I will not be showing any more new photos of my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and me romping through snow drifts until probably next October. I can honestly say, we are so over winter! And that’s a memo.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Pre-existing Condition

Hi everybody! This is The Daily Bone and I'm your diligent doggie reporter Chester L. W. Spaniel along with my venerable colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Spaniel. 


Today I don't have anything to talk about, and neither does Joey dog. I've been showing you all the fun we had in the snow and mud for the past couple weeks—I hope you enjoyed it—and have completely neglected my political commentary. It seems the same old stuff is being re-discussed and endlessly re-analyzed on every TV news report, and I'm sure you're as sick and tired of it as I am. But, for the record, I will now comment on the three biggest news stories.

Excuse me for yawning.

Story #1. Missing Jet. I think by now, there is little hope the people who were on board that missing jet plane are still alive, sad as that may be. The search goes on by top professionals from several countries. Surely a correct discovery will be made, and bringing in a psychic won't be much more help. I think it's disrespectful to keep on presenting all sorts of crackpot theories. 

Story #2. And then there's the on-going ACA saga …

Yawn … oh, sorry.

Yawning is contagious. I wonder if it's covered by O-Care as a pre-existing condition.

But, seriously … 

Story #3. I'm also pretty sure that Mr. Putin isn't going to change his mind about his invasion plans, unfortunately. Didn't I say he looked kind of bored and distracted during the closing ceremony of the Olympics? He obviously didn't think peace was a good idea! That earns a double doggie snort! Shame on you! 

Snort snort! 

All is not lost, though. We found some great videos for you to see. The first one begs to wonder if O-Care covers this squirrel's ailment. Personally, Joey dog and I would love it if all the Evil Squirrel Cartel had this affliction. It would make our jobs so much easier! 


The second video shows what happens when the government wastes our hard earned tax money on robot squirrels, and then they escape into the wild. We knew nothing good would come of that! 


So now we rest up for our next squirrel encounter. 

And that's a memo.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I Found a Jet Plane!

This is The Daily Bone and I’m your plausible doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

The biggest news story going on right now is about that missing air plane from Malaysia. All kinds of theories abound, from completely possible to entirely crackpot. It could have simply crashed into the ocean. Maybe it was hijacked, or shot down. There’s a new one every five minutes and countless TV reporters are vigorously analyzing every idea and implicating conspiracies of all sorts. Some of them are angry, making accusations about the countries doing the searches, and practically stamping their feet with impatience. I might remind them that this is not a block buster movie where you get the answer in 90 minutes.

I’m sure the late Professor Braydie Spiker, our old expert on the subject of paranormal squeaky toy events, would have a good, scientific answer. Here she is in a photo from our archives. Note the UFO she is trying to catch. (We miss you Braydie!)


Perhaps that jet was sucked into a worm hole like the one our favorite miniature human has at his house, pictured here. If that was the case, it could reappear at any time anywhere on Earth. 


You might think that with all the global mapping technology it should be easy to spot something as big as a jet. So I decided to check out Google Earth. (As you know my doggie paws aren’t very good at typing on a computer keyboard, so I have a ghost writer who does the actual typing for me.) Together we did a search and look what we found! A jet is hovering right over Russel Square in London England. 


In other news today, it has gotten warmer outside. The ice and snow are melting and making lots of mud. Wow! Spring is in the air here for sure! I just love the smell of dirt and worms on my doggie feet, even if my humans don't. Fortunately, I also enjoy playing in the bath tub. My esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens thinks I’m crazy. 
Bath time?
No thanks!
The Evil Squirrel Cartel has been spotted traipsing around in the neighbor’s yard under the oak tree. Perhaps they’re finding acorns from last Fall. Flocks of birds are hanging around our yard and we have to fill up the bird feeder every day. Crazy Bird, the angry red cardinal, has been singing in the top of the silver maple tree. The mob of mourning doves who showed up right after the big blizzard, are still here and show no sign of moving. I have been hearing thousands of honking geese flying overhead. Well, here’s a last look at the snow that will probably be all gone by this time tomorrow. 

Joey dog and I are very sad for all the people who were on that missing jet, and their families. I’m sure someone will finally discover what really happened soon enough. And that's a memo. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Ice Follies

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your athletic doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
What a surprise! Today it looked bright and sunny out. I was expecting lots of glorious mud. But, as they say here in WNY, if you don’t like the weather, just wait a minute. It was actually bitterly cold out, and all the melted slush from the warm weather yesterday was now frozen solid. Intrepid as I am, I rushed right out and, incidentally, flushed a flock of birds from a bush. This is what cocker spaniels are supposed to do! Hooray! I proceeded to quarter the rest of the yard to see if there were any more birds in the bushes on the perimeter of the fence. The snow was mostly crystalline and crunchy underfoot, except where there were sheets of ice.
Before I began exploring the area under the silver maple for squirrel tracks, my stolid associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens had an important safety announcement to make.
May I have your attention please. According to the Yum Yum Coalition safe practices guidebook, it is advisable to use extreme caution when crossing any icy area. Furthermore, before doggies attempt to cross stretches of unevenly frozen slush simply for the purpose of our humans obtaining photographs, there must be compensation in the form of yum yum doggie treats, specifically Milkbone Marrow Snacks.
Wow! Joey dog sure is smart! Having foreseen this possibility, our human had a whole pocket full of our favorite mouth-watering yum yum Milkbone Marrow Snacks. Of course, I was in too much of a hurry to get those delicious treats to be careful.
Whoops! 
Yipes!
Joey dog snorted at me and then demonstrated the safe way to walk across ice. He says, at his age he has to be careful, and I should be too, since I'm not getting any younger. With age comes a certain dignity and grace, not to mention arthritic joints.
I shall try to be more careful now. 
NOT! 

Funny Doggie Video

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens

Today I found a video of a doggie supposedly doing something the humans thought was hilarious, but highly illegal in that household. There is a link to this video below. However, this is just classic rolling in a scent behavior. Obviously this doggie loves her humans and wants to add their scent to her own. I do this all the time on my blanket on the couch, especially when I have a particularly stinky squeaky toy there as well. Many dogs will do this outdoors when they find a dead worm or fish or anything smelly. Humans think this is gross, or at best amusing, as in the video. But to us doggies, it just makes good sense. Doggies in the wild do this to cover their own scent for the sake of hunting. I will now demonstrate proper rolling technique.







You got it? Well join right in! And that’s a memo. Here's the link:


Oh, and here are a few more of those dogs in cars commercials. Really, Subaru should pay me for this!