Friday, February 28, 2014

Did You Say Pie?

Hello ladies and gentlemen and doggies. This is The Daily Bone and I’m Chester L. W. Stephens. 


Today I have an important announcement. After a thorough study of the alien squeaky toy entrusted to me by my late colleague Professor Braydie Spiker, I have discovered that it is comprised of three parts: an internal tennis ball type core, an outer wrapper made of a felt-like fabric, and a striped tail made of furry fabric. There was a squeaky mechanism as well, but I chewed that into tiny pieces that my humans threw away. Sorry.

I’m still awaiting the outcome of my associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens’ research with the squeaky stuffed bunny toy he received from Professor Braydie. He says it's much too special to simply dissect, and therefore needs extra time to study it. In the meantime, he's put it in a secret hiding place.

In other news, one of our favorite fans, Auntie Pat and her cat Tricky sent us a recipe for squirrel pie that sounds delicious. My humans said they would cook it for me, but I have to catch a squirrel first. They also mentioned that in the UK gray squirrels from the Evil Squirrel Cartel have been displacing the native red squirrels, and there is a campaign to eliminate them by making them into pies. Wow, the British doggies must be very busy catching all those squirrels! I wish they would tell me their secret squirrel hunting techniques. Meanwhile Joey dog and I will continue our surveillance activities. And that’s a memo.

Pie? 
http://www.cooks.com/recipe/fd7152wn/squirrel-pie.html

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Fifty Shades of Winter

Hello friends and fans and doggies. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your well-insulated doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my heavily-coated colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.


I just found out about a book called Fifty Shades of Gray. I thought it would be about the weather here in Western New York, which is predominantly gray and cloudy most of the time. But my humans clarified this and said it’s about humans having weird sex. OK, never mind. Bleah! I won’t be dealing with that kind of stuff, especially since our fan base is beginning to include more young readers.

Instead, I’m going to talk about winter. The TV stations are all buzzing about the Polar Vortex. That kind of sounds like an alien invasion, doesn’t it? Oh no, here comes more extremely cold weather! We’d better warn all our viewers to dress warmly and be careful driving and that it’s yet another sign of climate change blah blah blah. Hello! It’s winter. It’s supposed to be cold. All of us living in the Northern part of the United States are well aware of how to cope with it. Duh! Occasionally the cold weather extends as far south as Florida. Yes, that has happened almost every winter too.

Joey dog and I have no problem with winter. We love the snow. In fact it’s snowing yet again right now. We could easily come up with a photo for almost every one of the fifty shades of winter, which started promptly in the middle of November with the first snow fall, and is still continuing as we speak fourteen weeks later, but it would take up too much space. We expect snow to fall right up until the middle of April. One year, we had snow on Mother’s Day!

We’ve had all kinds of snow too: little icy needles, snow that comes down like powdered sugar, cold sleet, big fat flakes, medium sized flakes blown sideways by the wind, diamond dust, fluffy sparkly snow, peaceful gently falling snow, wet sloppy slushy snow, wind blasted white-out snow. I’m sure if you really tried you could come up with fifty types of snow! Here’s a collage of our winter weather so far.
November 23, 2013














November 26, 2013
December 21, 2013














January 6, 2014
January 21, 2014
















February 2, 2014
One of our droll fans sent us a link to a wry look at how most humans who are not into winter sports view winter. (Link below.) Joey dog and I are just going to take it as it comes. Hooray for snow! It’s only here half of the year. Quit complaining and deal with it! And that’s memo.


Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Olympic Birthday Cake UFO Squirrel Stew

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

Sunday night was the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. This took place in a gigantic stadium and featured all kinds of futuristic technological theatrics, like a projection on the ground that looked like ocean waves. Things were floating around overhead. Thousands of people dressed in sparkly robes came in and danced. There was lots of loud music and singing and fireworks, and a huge inflated cartoon bear thing blew out the torch. My colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I couldn’t help but notice that the President of Russia looked extremely bored and distracted with all of this, and couldn’t even crack a single smile. Maybe he was worried about how he was going to pay for all this.

In local news, the weather has turned cold again. The ground is frozen and there were snow flurries. Joey and I are hoping we get some more of that deep snow before winter is done.

We got to have birthday cake on Sunday too. Yum. Happy birthday to Joanna on Planet Spencerport.
Where's my piece?
I'll be glad to take care of that leftover cake for you.
As you know Joey dog and I have been very sad about the loss of our UFO and paranormal squeaky toy expert and good friend Professor Braydie Spiker. How will we ever be able to figure out strange squeaky toy mysteries without her help? 
Strange hovering UFO at Professor Braydie's secret laboratory. 
We were going through our photos this afternoon, and discovered that our friend Maddie cat occasionally experiences paranormal events in her home in Spencerport too. For example, in this photo she was just minding her own business playing with her fuzzy poof ball toy when a freak plastic bag started wrapping itself around her. It was obviously possessed by an evil psychic force. Fortunately her human just happens to be a science geek and former X-Files fan, and was able to help Maddie to escape from the clutches of the scary alien monster paranormal squeaky toy creature attacker thing. Wow, that’s a relief! 


Science rules! 
Oh, and we have just one more random discovery to show you today. It’s a new recipe for squirrel stew (link below.) We were going to invite the local branch of the Evil Squirrel Cartel to come over for dinner today so we could try out this recipe, but for some reason they made themselves scarce. And that's a memo. 


Friday, February 21, 2014

Secret Squeaky Toy Research Project

Good evening. Chester L. W. Stephens here. You’ve tuned into The Daily Bone, your best source for up to the minute squeaky toy news.

My colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I have been grieving all week for the loss of our dear friend Professor Braydie Spiker, who was the leading authority on UFOs and paranormal squeaky toy events. What ever shall we do when we have an important squeaky toy mystery to solve?  Much to our surprise, a big package arrived with today’s mail. Upon opening it, we found it was filled with wonderful squeaky toys. Our humans told us it was from Braydie’s own personal collection that she said we should have. Obviously, she intends for us to carry on with her important squeaky toy research! We are both delighted and honored that Braydie thought we were qualified for this mission, and will give it careful and diligent attention. We decided that we shouldn’t hurry with this project, so our humans only gave us one toy to start with at a time.

First Joey dog began with a life-sized stuffed bunny squeaky toy. He did a thorough tactile investigation before putting it back into storage for further research after he took a nap. I received  a strange round bouncy ball with a long fuzzy striped tail attached. My humans gave me a demonstration of how it flies through the air and skitters along the floor in an unpredictable manner, reminiscent of a fleeing squirrel. Wow! But as you know me, I have to find out what’s inside everything. It wasn’t long until I did a dissection, removed the squeaky, and then separated the tail from the ball, creating two toys from one. What an important discovery this was!

I'm ready for the next squeaky toy now! 
In other news, there is more Olympic speed skating on the TV. Around around around around around around around around … 

Unfortunately, the warming temperatures have turned our back yard into a swamp. We doggies couldn’t do any of our winter sports today. Perhaps if it freezes over night, we can attempt some ice skating tomorrow morning. I’ll be sure to give a detailed report then, along with more results of our top secret paranormal squeaky toy research. And that’s a memo. 



















Bleah! 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Cat About Town

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

Today we’d like to introduce a new fan. His name is Sammy, and he has a very important job as a nursing home therapy cat. He visits people and keeps them company, and seems to always know when and where he is needed the most. He does love kitty snacks, though, and will follow around anybody who offers them. Joey dog would like to offer him a position on the Yum Yum Coalition’s food investigation team. Sammy also loves soft fluffy blankets, just like Joey dog and I do.
Sammy
Oooooo, soft fluffy blanket fresh out of the dryer........
In other news, the snow is still melting here. We’ve heard in the news that some places have so much ice jamming the rivers that they’re using dynamite to blast it loose. We won’t be fooled into thinking winter is over, though. Joey dog, who turned 12 on February 15th, remembers that we usually get a thaw about this time of year. It will soon get cold again, and we could even get a couple more big snowstorms, or even ice storms. So don’t put away your heavy winter coats yet! 

Next, we have a video that was sent to us by one of our favorite fans, Carol in Illinois, about the natural life and death events happening in the woods near you. Please enjoy the nice music, and beautiful scenery. No spoilers, though. You’ll just have to watch until the end to see who the winner is. And that’s a memo. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Snow Melt

This is The Daily Bone. Welcome one and all! I’m your doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

Just when we thought we’d seen it all, the humans came up with yet another way to go eighty miles per hour down a long, curvy chute made of ice! First we had the bobsleds. Next was the luge. There was even a luge where two humans try to fit on a little tiny sled and the only way they can do it is by piling on top of each other. Now there is something called the Skeleton where one human goes face first down the chute on nothing but a sheet of plastic with runners and handles. We doggies can’t think of anything more dangerous! Then there’s snow boarding …

You know, when I first started to watch the Olympic games, I couldn’t understand why it was going on for two whole weeks. But now it seems there are so many ways to go down a mountain that two weeks is hardly enough to see them all. We doggies are wondering when the humans will start seeing who can go down the mountain the fastest on their rear ends! That’s probably how we doggies would go down an icy slope.

Joey dog and I have been having a good time with our own back yard winter sports for the past several weeks. However, the weather forecast calls for a stretch of warmer weather now, and we expect all the wonderful deep snow to melt. Our humans say they would rather it stay cold because the snow we track into the house is easier to clean up than mud. They’re also not looking forward to the mountains of doggie poop that will be revealed after hiding under the snow all winter.

So we went out this afternoon to have a little more fun while the snow is still here, and it was indeed melting fast. We got our feet soaking wet just running around in it.

Meanwhile, the Evil Squirrel Cartel continues its trespassing and theft missions. They have been spotted doing acrobatics while trying to eat the remaining hawthorn berries from the ends of the branches. Somehow, they found a way to reach the bird feeder that is perched in the dining room window. This will warrant some more diligent surveillance that might cut into our doggie nap times. 


But we’re OK with that. The yum yum doggie treat rewards are worth it! And that’s a memo. 




















Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Coexist

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your peaceable doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
The Olympics games are continuing in Russia. Everybody is getting along. Everybody is cheering for everybody. Everybody loves the Jamaican bobsled team. The Olympic torch is still burning, and it’s a shining symbol of cooperation between all nations. So why is there still so much violence and disagreement in the rest of the world? There are fiery protests in the Ukraine, Thailand, and Venezuela. Syria is still bombing its own people, and certain nations are trying to make nuclear weapons. The ACA is still hotly debated. The humans are already taking pot shots at anyone who might, maybe, possibly, conceivably have even the vaguest notion of running for the presidency in 2016. The Evil Squirrel Cartel sent an operative to raid the bird feeder that’s right in the window. Yikes!
As one small humble doggie I know that I cannot change the world all by myself. But I can do little things to promote cooperation and understanding. In a gesture of good will, I am sharing my precious squeaky toys with my colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.
We have provided free peanuts to the squirrels so that they will leave the bird seeds for the birds. Hopefully the world will take my cue and at least try to share and get along. Coexistence is possible! And that’s a memo.
We're sharing the blanket. Peace out. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

Sad Day

This is The Daily Bone and I’m your forlorn doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens along with my heart-broken associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens. We are sad to announce that our dear friend Professor Braydie Spiker has passed away today. We are too sad for words.



Professor Braydie Spiker with captured UFO.

More Doggie Olympic Coverage

Hello sports fans and doggies. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your athletic doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens along with my physically fit colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.
We haven’t been able to write much in the last couple days because our ghost writer has been working overtime. She was awake for forty straight hours Friday through Saturday as she filled in on night shift. The humans must be crazy! We doggies always are sure to get a good nights sleep, as well as two or three naps every day. That way, we’re ready to spring into action at any time during the day or night if our homeland security skills are needed.
Garbage truck! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark!
Yes sir, we are ready to bark at every delivery truck, every car door slamming, and every sign of unauthorized trespassing activity anywhere in our area, and respond to the network of other neighboring doggies who bark and spread the warnings about … Um, Chester, we’re supposed to talking about sports, remember? 

Oh yeah. We got to see some more speed skating. It looked pretty dangerous for the humans to be sliding around with meat cleavers on their feet, especially for the little girls. I wonder what happens if they all fall down at the same time. Someone is bound to get cut! Well anyway, they went around and around and around the ice track. We counted—and this was hard to do since they went around really fast!—fourteen laps. Around around around around. How do they not get dizzy? 

Next was hockey. This was quite a rough sport with lots of pushing and shoving as the players tried to get the flat circular squeaky toy into the net. The humans all had lots of padding on and, of course, long knives on their feet. The fans were all shouting and yelling and jumping up and down as they cheered on their favorite team. 

There was more bobsledding to watch. We saw the Jamaican bobsled team! Hooray! We didn’t really understand why everybody liked them so much, but our humans explained that there is no snow in Jamaica. Oh. There was some information about the design of the bobsleds too. It seems these sleds ride over the ice on top of big sharp knives too. So, I’m going to make a doggie logic conclusion that knives make things go faster on the ice, and just about all of the winter Olympics is about going as fast as possible. 

Except for one sport: curling. This sport involved sliding a big rock over the ice towards a circle of other rocks to try to knock those rocks out of the circle. One human slides the rock while two others use special broom things to guide the rock on its way. We’re not sure how the sweeping helps. We doggies thought this was a lot of fun to watch. Personally, I would love to see the humans try to do this sport using a Wiggly Giggly ball instead of a rock! Heheheh! Those things never go where you expect them to. Plus they make the most delightful squeaky sound. 
And that’s our report, sports fans. Now it’s time for Joey dog and me to do our own winter sports: running, jumping, tracking, and playing in the snow in the zero degree, bright, sunny weather! And that’s memo. 




Sunday, February 16, 2014

Alien Wormhole Technology

Good afternoon everybody. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
Today was a very special day. Our humans made the intergalactic journey to our favorite miniature human’s planet. As you know Ryan has a vast collection of high tech squeaky toys and other futuristic playthings, and I am always fascinated to see it all. Well, today he demonstrated his alien wormhole technology! Wow!
He enters the wormhole at this end and crawls through. 
On the other side he arrives in his playroom. Look at all the amazing squeaky toys there! 
When he’s done with the wormhole, it collapses completely and fits under the TV stand! Here he is working on his control panel where he adjusted his squeaky toy inventory. 
Why did he have to adjust his squeaky toy inventory, you might ask? Ryan has the answer right on his shirt!
Perhaps next time I might be brave enough to get in the car and make the journey to Ryan’s home planet so that I may see these wonderful squeaky toys with my own eyes. 
Maybe someday..........................

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Fat Food

This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my esteemed associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.


Today I heard that a bunch of lawyers want to make a huge lawsuit against the fast food industry for contributing to the problem of obesity in this country. What??? They claimed these fast food places told lies to people about the fact that their food is high calorie, high fat, and high salt. OK, lets throw some doggie logic into that mix. How about blaming the entire fashion industry because high heel shoes with pointy toes cause corns? Joey dog was very intrigued by this, and wondered what was so bad about corn. He said according to the Yum Yum Coalition directory, corn is a delicious summer time treat. I commented that we already had this conversation once with our friend The Lady Galadriel (Lady) and as I recall it didn’t turn out very well for me, so we had better get back to the subject of blaming fast food places for fat humans. Joey dog countered by pointing out that the humans didn’t have to eat that food if they didn’t want to, and that we doggies would have been glad to eat it for them. I replied then, that maybe we should blame the pet industry for my, ahem, weight problem. Joey dog looked at me awry and snickered. Well maybe you just shouldn’t eat so much, he said. I growled but then came up with another analogy: maybe we should blame our humans for putting out such good doggie food that we can eat anytime we want. We thought about that for a few moments, and realized the absurdity of it all. We finally came up with our doggie logic conclusion and here it is. What ever happened to personal responsibility? And that’s a memo.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

A Day Late and a Squirrel Short

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.
Sorry we were unable to write The Daily Bone yesterday. Our ghost writer got called into work unexpectedly to cover for someone who called in sick. 

I am pleased to announce that yesterday I finally caught a squirrel! One of my humans has been coaching me on being quiet and stalking the squirrel, rather than barking noisily at it from the window at first sight. Sure enough, the technique worked. I caught it by the base of its scruffy, twitchy, bushy tail. Unfortunately I didn’t get a good grip on it and it got away. The Evil Squirrel Cartel retreated from our territory for the rest of the day after that! Harumph!
We’re sort of behind on our Olympics coverage, but we have a few things to report today. First speed skating. The humans were racing each other by going counter clockwise around a circular ice track. They went pretty fast. They went around in circles. They went around in circles. Around, around, around. All the way around and then around again. And then they kept going around. Around, around, around, around, around! Somebody won by a hundredth of a second. We doggies didn’t know you could even measure that! Then there was more of the luge where the humans slide down a long twisting ice chute at lightning speed with nothing but a small sled, wearing a colorful tight-fitting aerodynamic full body suit and a helmet. Yipes! Again, we wonder why no one races up that chute! And how the heck do they make ice stick to the parts of that chute that are practically vertical? It seems like the forces of gravity have been suspended there! 

Oh, and speaking of gravity, here's a bit of doggie logic: We heard that the United States debt ceiling is going to be raised again. Now, if this ceiling keeps going up, what will happen when it gets so high that it enters outer space? Outer space is a vacuum. We doggies are worried that we will all get sucked right off the face of the Earth. (I'd better tie down my squeaky toys!) We sincerely hope our insane politicians will keep this in mind. 

Now, we have some sad news. One of our loyal fans has passed away. Dusty from Ohio was 16 years old and was a good cat for his humans for all that time. He used to enjoy going out into the woods and catching rabbits, and was the inspiration for much of his humans’ wonderful artwork. Joey and I are very sad and would love to give Dusty’s humans lots of doggie hugs and kisses. Another one of our loyal cat fans has passed away recently too: Pacino, who lived in Florida with our Auntie Kay. (Unfortunately we do not have a picture of Pacino.) Doggie hugs and kisses to you too. 

We have also heard that our favorite UFO and paranormal researcher, Professor Braydie Spiker, has been diagnosed with a terrible disease. In addition to this, our dear friend and honorary vice-president of the Yum Yum Coalition, The Lady Galadriel (Lady) has also been diagnosed with the similar type of disease. Joey and I don’t think we can take this much sadness! 
Dusty
Braydie
Lady
We will now have a moment of silence.
























SQUIRREL !!!!!!!!!!!