Friday, January 31, 2014

It's Almost Here!

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
I have been hearing more and more about this Super Bowl thing. I have found out that it’s not a big bowl of food, although lots of food will doubtless be consumed that day. Actually, it’s a big championship football game. My esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I have been trying to study football, and still fail to understand all the rules. As far as we doggies can tell, the game involves getting a special squeaky ball to one end of the field or other, while the teams try to stop each other from doing that. But that doesn’t mean we begrudge our humans their enjoyment of watching football, despite the fact that our male human always starts yelling and stomping angrily at some point of the game. We doggies usually go and hide when that happens.

If your human doesn’t watch the Super Bowl, he or she might watch the Puppy Bowl instead. This is live coverage of puppies playing inside a big bowl-shaped yard with fake grass in it. Joey dog and I would prefer to watch this, and are hoping we get to see some Cocker Spaniel puppies.

We’ve also heard that there will be several extra wonderful, fantastic, outrageously funny, block-buster television commercials shown during the game. From what we see in the media, we might think these ads are even better than the game itself. As a matter of fact, the companies who made these ads will pay millions of dollars to have them aired during the big game. This boggles my mind because usually humans hate commercials. And that's a memo.
Go figure! 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Poop

This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. Last year I wrote the following essay on the subject of the State of the Union Address:

I’ve been thinking that I should write an important, erudite, and meaningful analysis of the State of the Union Address, but I haven’t yet had the time or the energy to watch the entire thing. I slept through it the first time, but woke up just enough to hear mention of shovel-ready jobs. Does that mean the doggie poop is ready to be shoveled up, or the driveway is blocked with snow that needs shoveling? What does the President have to do with shoveling? Is he going to personally do these jobs?

I’ve already written about snow, so now I’m going to talk about poop. I heard a report about a law proposed in California that makes it illegal to leave doggie poop on the ground. You can be hit with a fine and even go to jail. They say it will pollute the ground water. But animals have been pooping on the ground for millions of years! You can even find fossilized dinosaur poop. Poop is the most biodegradable substance on Earth! Just flatten it down and throw some grass seeds on it, and it will cost a lot less than lawn chemicals. People should be thanking us for providing fertilizer. Besides, where else are we doggies supposed to poop? We’ll get in big trouble if we poop on the carpet. This sounds like doggie discrimination. What about all those precious tigers and polar bears and elephants? I’ll bet they don’t get punished for pooping! Good grief! If poop was the only big problem the President can think of then he should be thankful. And that’s a memo.

As you can see, I didn't really pay much attention to this speech in 2013. But I'll be sure to be awake and alert during this years SOTU speech that will be presented today, and hopefully give a much better, and maybe more polite analysis, as long as the word shovel isn't mentioned again. And that's a memo.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Winter Sports Practice

Hello sports fans! This is The Daily Bone and I’m your vigorous doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, along with my energetic team mate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

We are still waiting for the Winter Olympics. Although we know we’ll never travel to Russia for it, we still like to practice our sports. We love to run in the snow, as you probably know. Fortunately we have a big yard with a fence around it where we can run as much as we want, and plenty of trees and bushes to attract birds. As the smallest of the sporting dogs, we Cocker Spaniels have a natural talent for hunting. We are very good at something called quartering the field. This means we run back and forth across a field (our yard) in a certain pattern in order to find small animals and birds. Here are some pictures of us doing just that.
These are last summer's echinacia flowers that have seeds that the finches like to eat. Ahead is the lilac bush where the chickadees like to sit.
Pine and spruce.
Hawthorn tree.
For some reason Joey dog was going the opposite way.
Arbor vitae hedge where mobs of sparrows hang out.
Unfortunately today, there weren’t any birds in the bushes, or in the pile of branches over the compost pile, where they usually hide. We did see a squirrel which we chased up the silver maple tree here. And that's a memo.
bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark

Friday, January 24, 2014

Celebrities

Good day doggie fans! This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

Today I’d like to talk about celebrities. These are humans who have become famous for a particular skill, usually acting, music, fashion, comedy, cooking, sports, etc. However, there are some celebrities whose only talent is in doing things that are scandalous. It seems like everybody loves celebrities. They become rich because other humans are willing to pay lots of money to see their movies and concerts, and buy CDs, videos, and items with the celebrity’s brand name on them. In fact, they become so rich that they can afford to wear the most expensive high fashion clothes and jewelry, drive fancy cars, live in mansions, and go to exclusive parties. There are always hordes of people called the paparazzi who follow celebrities everywhere they go, taking photographs and begging for interviews. The pictures and stories are then published in magazines and newspapers, and reported on TV and web sites, some of which are devoted exclusively to celebrities. There is always an insatiable demand for gossip about celebrities and everything they say and do and wear. 
Celebrities can do almost anything wrong—break the law, drive drunk, use drugs, cause a traffic accident, abuse others, cheat on their partners—and still be admired and adored. If I decided I was going to start pooping on the carpet, would you think it’s cute? What if I ran out into the street and caused a traffic accident, and then bit the neighbor on the leg? Would my fans be waiting outside the jail cheering and swooning at the sight of me? No. I would have my head down and my tail between my legs. I certainly wouldn’t be smiling on my mug shot and waving at the crowd! And that’s a memo.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Squirrel Appreciation Day?

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and doggies. This is The Daily Bone and I'm your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

You're kidding, right?

It has come to my attention that today is National Squirrel Appreciation Day. My esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I thought about this for a while, with very mixed feelings: surprise, appall, derision, shock, um … I'm going to have to study my thesaurus for a long time to describe all the feelings we experienced upon discovering this holiday. We didn't have time for this, lest we miss our publication deadline, so we did an online search, and came up with a video that thoroughly and honestly expresses our appreciation of squirrels today. There is a link to it below, and we advise you to read all of this edition of TDB before you get to it because it takes a lot of time to really appreciate this video.
Squirrels! Those nut-brained fustilarians. Bleah!
Furthermore, we kept a close eye out for the Evil Squirrel Cartel all this entire cold day, but they did not show up. Perhaps they were all attending the Squirrel Appreciation Luncheon somewhere, or else were at the yard of whomever put the most birdseed in their bird feeders today. Shoot! We really hoped they would show up and join us for dinner in honor of this auspicious occasion!

What's for dinner again? Smells delicious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHJeoUzc96w

Bright Idea

Here are some more funny doggie videos for you to watch. They are approved by the Squeaky Party and the Yum Yum Coalition!

http://joeforamerica.com/2014/01/votd-1-21-14/

Now that was a bright idea! Can we get one of those jump around things?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koLrsIDaKrc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_s2OD1ZP84

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIqvByTAvBc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1KmXR1__5Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHyP3-sazcc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bprrZW1BO8

Now I wish I could learn to drive! 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Dogs in Cars

Hello everybody and welcome to The Daily Bone. I'm your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
As you  know, my colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I are not very fond of going places in cars. That's because our usual destination is the vet's office! But we have recently found some videos about doggies who not only like getting into cars, but drive them too! Wow! Here are the links to the videos, below. Have fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZthOZIdDKU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5nyEd8BTZA


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lWmeK9H4EU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8fwFYx6bNQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn9yAJ4pnJE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVpxTHkYk74

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWqdRYUH9QQ

Thursday, January 16, 2014

What is Super Bowl Sunday?

Hello. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.
Just when I thought the Holidays were over, I find out there’s another one to worry about. This one is called Super Bowl Sunday. My astute associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens said he’d consult the Yum Yum Coalition Doggie guide book, but he thinks a super bowl might be a good thing. For one thing, a lot of television ads for the occasion seem to be about food, like chicken wings, beer, soda pop, crunchy snacks, pizza, gigantic sandwiches, monster televisions, fancy cars, pick-up trucks … wait a minute … you can’t eat a TV or a motorized vehicle! Oh, and there are more ads than ever about losing weight. I wish the humans would make up their minds about food vs losing weight! But I digress.

We called up our good friend and honorary vice-president of the Yum Yum Coalition, The Lady Galadriel (Lady) to see what she might be able to tell us about Super Bowl Sunday. She said she didn’t know, but anything that had to do with yum yums must be good. She doesn’t see why there should be just one special day devoted to putting yum yums into a giant doggie bowl. Every day should be a extra food for super doggies day! But if the humans want to put everything into a special giant doggie bowl on Super Bowl Sunday, she’s OK with that.    
Next, we contacted Professor Braydie Spiker, resident UFO expert and paranormal investigator, to see if she had any information. Her response was, “what another holiday? Does that mean I have to wear another silly hat?”
So we tried to imagine what else Super Bowl Sunday might be about. As hard as we tried, we could only come up with food. I mean, what else do you put in a bowl? Salad? How about this: a big salad slathered with bleu cheese dressing, chicken wings, pizza bites, and tortilla chips thrown in, and guacamole, tacos, liverwurst submarine sandwich pieces, mini hamburger sliders—hold the pickles—barbecue ribs, steak, potato salad, and then mush all that good stuff up and serve in a gigantic dog bowl! Now that’s what I call a super bowl! "Actually," Joey dog said after consulting the Yum Yum Coalition guide book, "in Rochester NY, that would be called a garbage plate." What??!! Why would the humans throw all that good food away in the garbage? Now I’m more confused than ever. And that’s a memo
I'll just take care of those left-overs, if you don't mind.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Stink Bug!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this news bulletin. This is Chester L. W. Stephens reporting from the upstairs office, where we have been invaded by bugs! Um, well, one bug to be exact. But it’s been bumbling around all evening! I was just taking a nice little nap, when the sound of buzzy little bug wings woke me up.

Huh?
It sounded like it was on the desk, so I jumped up to look for it!

I know you're in here.
Come out, come out! I can hear you creeping.
I found a picture of it on the computer. I wonder why it's called a stink bug?
Aha! Here it is! I'm tracking it now!
Don't worry folks. I'll soon catch this invader!
I got you now Mr. Stinkbug!
Oh! I think I know why it's called a stink bug now!
Wow! That's awful!
This is your humble doggie reporter Chester L. W. Stephens signing off. I decided I’m just going to leave that stinky stink bug alone. Maybe he just wanted to be on The Daily Bone!


Harumph!

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Olympic Sleeping

Hello. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

Today we’ll be continuing the theme of health and fitness. I noticed one of my humans is not feeling well. In fact, she has been coughing and snorting, moaning and groaning terribly since last night, and today was so sick, she actually couldn’t go to work! We doggies, however, never get sick, except for the ear infections my esteemed colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens gets occasionally. We totally don’t understand where the term, “sick as a dog,” came from! So we tried to figure out what we do differently to maintain our good health.

The most obvious difference is the amount of rest we get, compared to our humans. For example, from 7AM until 11AM, one of our humans watches the morning news show, followed by the business news, whilst drinking lots of black coffee. The news is almost always bad: continued fighting and unrest in the Middle East, and elsewhere. In our own country there is the unending political trashing on every channel. Our American businesses are taking a beating, and the stock market can crash at any moment! Our own neighborhood became the site of a dragnet Wednesday night through Thursday morning, as the police used helicopters and doggies—hooray for police doggies working all night!—to track down and arrest a crazed man with a shot gun. We even got a phone call warning us to stay inside and lock our doors. Add caffeine to all that, and what do you get? An overworked immune system, elevated pulse and blood pressure, stress, and nervous breakdown. In the meantime, we doggies are doing this:
Zzzzzzzzzz.
Snarrrrrf.
We were blissfully unaffected by all those news crisis reports. Our doggie recommendation, therefore, is to turn off the television for a while, and take a nap! Regular naps restore peace and harmony to your entire system. We doggies have had many years of nap training, and have perfected several comfortable positions. In fact, with light of the upcoming Olympics, we’d like to demonstrate our skill and prowess in the art of sleeping. The following photos show the various Olympic Sleeping techniques:
Smushy-face with Squeaky Toys.
Smushy-face with Blanket.

Flipper Paws with Half Curve.















Single Frog Leg.
Tipped-over Cow with Couch Cushion.
Double Symmetric Curl.
                 Back Flip with Upper Curve and Neck Twist
Freestyle Doubles on Floor.

Electric Slide with Single Frog Leg.
Double Frog Leg.
Single Ear Flop.
Side with Neck Extension.

Side Position with Rug and Squeaky Toys.















And that's a memo. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Oh, Lamentations!

Greetings and good evening my hale, and noble readers! This is The Daily Bone (aka: The Recurring Ossified Structural Component) and I am your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens. Having recently perused a new tome by author, Stephen R. Donaldson, I have gleaned a multitude of wondrous new vocabulary words. My most loyal, enthusiastic followers are well aware of my penchant for innovative language! I am thus challenged to put these words to good use, and hope to be neither bombastic, tedious, nor long-winded.

In the caliginous twilight typical of this northern clime, spanning from the winter solstice to the vernal equinox, I am much aggrieved to have misplaced an eldritch squeaky ball of great value. It is with a monumental amount of  self-objurgation that I admit to having been absent minded of the placement of said squeaky ball, when I was interrupted from my scouting mission by a lone pedestrian who happened to wander along the pathway in front of my vast demesne, to whom I gave forth a stentorian warning. Then, to my utter dismay, I perceived that the mantle of gelid and clinquant snow had swallowed the precious orb without a trace. Upon requesting assistance from my erudite canine associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, I was given a lugubrious frown, and an asseveration that the object of my desire was indeed effectively hidden, and would probably not appear again until the onset of Spring. Despite the exigency of the situation, I was summoned to return to the shelter of my humble abode, where I then paced in mounting worry and misery to the point of total prostration.  
Oh, woe is me! My most excellent and treasured prize, you are but a lambent eidolon to my aching heart, forever lost in the pellucid drifts of frozen water vapor! But my unquenchable and stalwart friend, Joey dog, upon reconsidering his previous doubt, attempted to be somewhat of a  salvific to my lamentable plight. He assured me that, considering the characteristic ebb and flow of cold air to this region, there will soon be a thaw, and my beloved squeaky ball would be uncovered in all its delightful charm. In the meantime, we will endeavor to discover it with the puissance of our canine sense of smell. If all else fails, then I should just take a chill pill. And that’s a memo.
Pffffft!