Thursday, August 29, 2013

Paranormal Experiences

Hi there. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble and mystified doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party.
My humans recently got the heating ducts in our house cleaned, and a number of squeaky toys magically emerged from inside them. (Cue the theme from Dr. Who.) Here I am pictured above with the weirdest one. As you can see, it has mysterious blinking properties. I have never seen anything like it, and venture to guess that it might be an alien artifact abandoned in the bowels of our house centuries ago. My venerable colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens cannot even remember seeing it in the days of his youth. I romped around the house with it, and it never stopped blinking. Then I went outside after dark and galloped all over the back yard with this cool glow-in-the-dark cutting edge alien technology wonderful ball. It was the greatest invention since the squeaky toy! The other strange thing about it is that in most of the photos my humans took, I appear to be all blurry while the blinky ball remained perfectly clear. I mean, check out the photo below. I wonder if it’s one of those String Theory time warp paranormal kind of things.
To help me learn more about it, I consulted my good friend and North America’s leading squeaky toy expert, Professor Braydie Spiker. She lives in Florida with her two humans, an ancient cat with a checkered past named Lane, and four birds (AKA, the Lone Gunmen) who were mentioned in a previous TDB entitled “Convoluted Conundrums and Aliens Too.” As you can see in the back ground of this first picture below, Braydie has a vast collection of squeaky toys, and musical instruments too, at her disposal. Braydie dumped out her entire arsenal and searched through it carefully. She concluded that she has never seen anything like this mysterious, blinking, roll-around ball. It must surely be from outer space, or possibly the future! Wow!
Greetings. Welcome to my secret laboratory.
It is indeed a mystery.
She went on to say that she has had paranormal experiences occur in her house too. Note in the photo below, these balloons somehow mysteriously affixed themselves to Lane’s fur. Talk about eerie!


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Angus and the Bunny Militia

Hi.
Welcome. You’ve tuned into The Daily Bone, and I am your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. We believe squeaky toys are the key to world peace.

Today I’d like to introduce another one of our wonderful fans. This is DCI (doggie chief inspector) Angus, and he lives in North Carolina with his two humans. Angus is an immigrant who came here all the way from the UK. He rode inside a doggie carrier, pictured below, aboard a big, giant airplane all by himself and flew across the Atlantic Ocean to be with his humans in their new home. I cannot even imagine the bravery it took to do that!


Now that he’s in the USA, some of his favorite things to do are sunbathing on the porch, going for long walks, and chasing squirrels and bunnies.



Keeping on the sunny side of life
As you know, my astute colleague Special Agent Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I are keen on chasing varmints off our property too. Our days are often filled with surveillance, crime scene investigation, profiling, and high speed chases in our on-going effort to protect our borders and property. The evil Squirrel Cartel, the CCC (Conniving Chipmunk Consortium) and the devious Mousies have a specific motive for invading our territory, namely larceny. They are constantly devising new plans to steal bird seeds, sunflowers, pine cones, and pears. The Bunny Militia, however is much more mysterious. We doggies have yet to figure out their motive for crossing our borders, which, incidentally, are surrounded by chain link fences, and clearly marked with our chemical signatures. After much research, the only item bunnies seem interested in stealing from us is the occasional dandelion stem, which hardly seems worth such a dangerous mission. Therefore, Joey dog and I have postulated that the Bunny Militia must be a cult run by a high priest, and that their religious right of passage includes a suicide mission into enemy territory. (Cue the X-Files theme.) Similar behavior is practiced by the Future Roadkill Club of America, whose members are mostly deer, opossums, raccoons, and woodchucks. I have caught two Bunny Militia operatives so far during my career. When caught, they emit an unearthly scream to alert their elders that they have completed their mission and are now proceeding to bunny heaven or nirvana of some type. That was eerie enough to send Joey dog running back into the garage. I, however, was neither distracted nor deterred by this. As you can see in the next photo DCI Angus wasn’t either. Good show, old chap!

Ooops.
I asked Angus if he is ever troubled by the memories of dispatching a Bunny Militia operative in the line of duty, or by flashbacks of his harrowing airplane trip over the ocean. He says he tries to only think about good things, like running in the grass with his girlfriend Daisy. Great idea, Angus! Thank you for being a fan of The Daily Bone. And that's a memo.


Monday, August 26, 2013

National Dog Day


 


 https://www.facebook.com/NationalDogDay

It's National Dog Day today! Hooray!
Wow. A whole day about doggies. Imagine that!
I'm going to sleep so much better knowing a lot more doggies will be adopted because of this!

Dog Poop Signs


You've GOT to be kidding me!
Check out this link:
 http://www.dogpoopsigns.com/

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Shut Up and Play Nice!


Hello. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your exasperated doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, where we believe squeaky toys will save the world.

Well, well, well. The President is on vacation and so is Congress. You would think during that time they would take a break from bashing each other. But no. The President took time out of his busy golf game to say the Republicans want to “stick it” to you by trying to defund the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans say they must stop it in its tracks before it wrecks our economy. The NSA is spying on us, the IRS is taking sides, and there is still no answer to who killed our ambassador to Libya. The president declared that these are all phony bologna scandals. In the meantime, the Middle East is in shambles, and the rest of the world couldn’t care less what we say. Will it ever end?

This sounds like a job for the Squeaky Party! While all those politicians are away on vacation, we’re going to take over the government. I want every single one of these politicians’ pets to report to the Capital building right away. Now listen up Sparky (and Fluffy and Spot) here’s the plan. First, we will stop all funding to countries who hate us, effective immediately. Use the money to fill in that horrible debt hole! Inform the President that now he has to pay for his own transportation. That should save a bundle! Next, we’ll tackle natural disaster relief. Easy. If you build your house right smack in the middle of a flood zone, and then it floods, we’ll help you rebuild—somewhere else! OK, immigration. If you’re ready to be productive, law-abiding citizens and pay taxes, welcome. If you’re from a drug cartel, or a terror organization, or just want to sponge off our welfare system, keep out. We have ways of spying on you.


Wait a minute! This just in: the President is back from vacation now. Drat! Well, Bo, here’s your chance to really serve your country. I’m going to tell you my top-secret strategy for stalling your humans from leaving the house. Go get your favorite squeaky toy, and roll it under the biggest, heaviest piece of furniture in the house. Now bark and whine piteously for your human to retrieve it for you. That should keep him from going out for at least a few hours. Wait for him to go to the bathroom, and then barricade him in there. Keep the entire household busy by grabbing something valuable, like the First Lady’s designer shoe, and running around the house with it as fast as you can. Jump in the pool, then jump on the President so he gets all wet and has to change clothes. Now chew up all his socks, and then drop your squeaky toy down the heating vent. If all else fails, barf on the rug.

What’s that? You’re waiting to find out what squeaky toys have to do with all this? After we’re done saving the USA, the Squeaky Party plans to: a.) carpet bomb North Korea and Iran with squeaky toys, b.) fill the capitol building and the white house with millions of squeaky toys, and c.) deport every single squirrel. When those politicians return from vacation, the world will be a better place, the budget will be balanced, and there won’t be anything else to do, but shut up and play nice. And that’s a memo.



Thursday, August 15, 2013

Food Fad, Fans, Forgetfulness, and Facial Reconstruction


Good evening. This is The Daily Bone, and I'm your humble doggie host Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens sitting in for Chester L. W. Stephens who is taking a nap right now. We have a few short subjects to discuss tonight, so I will start with my favorite thing: food.

We doggies both agree that humans sometimes do weird things. We cannot understand, however, why the humans like to take pictures of their food. This fad came about with the invention of the cell phone that had a camera in it. After taking a picture of the food, they post the photo on their social media so all their friends can see it. We doggies are well versed in the art of food watching when actual food is being consumed in our presence. But what good is looking at a picture of it if you can't smell it or get a taste of it? Very strange. Well, we don’t want to go against the latest trend, so here is a picture of our favorite doggie dinner. Doesn’t it look delicious? Crunchy meatballs, yum yum! We put Chester's favorite squeaky toy next to it for picturesque ambiance. He couldn't wait to start eating. But if you want any, you'll have to buy your own, or else come visit us at our house. But you'd better hurry before Chester eats it all up!





Next, we'd like to introduce everyone to another of our wonderful fans. Tricky cat lives with his two humans on a big mountain in Pennsylvania. He was a throw-away cat. Someone just left him on the side of the road when he was a little kitten. Can you imagine that? Fortunately, he found his way to the house where he lives now, and the humans there rescued him and took good care of him. Tricky is a very independent cat, and does not like to be picked up and petted much. But he takes good care of his humans and helped them through a lot of tough times. Tricky is also very smart and can tell time. If he happens to go outside to explore the woods, he always comes back home before eleven o’clock. He expects his humans to be just as punctual and gets angry when they don’t come home on time. Wow, I wish we doggies could tell time! Every day for the past week we find a half eaten pear from our pear tree on the ground with squirrel bite marks on it. We think this blatant invasion of our territory occurs early in the morning. But we have yet to catch this felon in the act because we never seem to wake up early enough. Maybe Tricky can teach us how to set an alarm clock. Thank you Tricky for being one of our earliest fans! 



Now it's time for the political portion of this evening's presentation. We just heard that it cost the taxpayers $11,000 an hour to fly the president’s doggie, Bo, on a special Osprey jet to join him and his family on vacation. You mean the president forgot to take his doggie on vacation with him? Forgot him?!! That is absolutely unthinkable! How long was this poor doggie left all alone in that big, scary white house? Chester and I are barking and howling in outrage! Shame on you for forgetting your doggie, and then spending THAT much of the taxpayers’ squeaky toys to correct your mistake. Shame on you for using up THAT much fuel. We thought you were against the wasteful burning of things like jet fuel because of the effect on the environment. I’m sure that Bo is hiding his face in shame, and it’s not even his fault! 
 
Grrrrrrrrrr!
Our final story is about humans getting plastic surgery for their doggies. All I can say is, deal with your own insecurities and don’t transfer them to your poor doggie! Chester and I can assure you that doggies don't care at all if they have crooked ears, or an overbite (like Chester has) or lumps and bumps; and we definitely don't care if you have saggy jowls, and wrinkles either! If you have $10,000 to waste on making your doggie’s ears more pointy, send it to your nearest animal shelter instead. And that's a memo.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Dog Days in the Backyard

Bark, bark, bark, and hello to all my friends and fans. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your host Chester L. W. Stephens.

We are officially in the dog days of summer—I just found out this part of the year is named after us doggies—and what good days they are! The weather is fine and hot, the pears on the tree are almost ready to eat, birds are flocking to the feeders for us to watch, and the evil Squirrel Cartel is on the run. Or at least we haven’t seen them in the last few days.

Our favorite miniature human came to visit last Sunday and he couldn’t wait to get in touch with the lush, green grass. My colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I are going to teach him to crawl now. Hooray! And that’s a memo.


Hi Ryan. Look at all the pretty grass!
We heard you're learning to crawl now.
OK, you're getting it.
Now just follow me! Don't worry, our humans picked up all the doggie poop.

 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Sophisticated Lady





Hi everybody! This is The Daily Bone, and I'm your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. Well, it’s been almost a year since I started writing The Daily Bone. I could not have done it without the wonderful support and encouragement of my loyal fans. Today I'd like to take some time to tell you about one of them.


The Lady Galadriel lives in Florida with her two humans, where she is treated like royalty. She certainly looks regal in her photo here! Isn't she beautiful? I asked her what her favorite squeaky toy was, and she said she doesn’t have one. She absolutely loves yum yums, though. It sounds like she might want to give some serious thought to joining the Yum Yum Coalition, headed by my astute colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, where yum yums are serious business. I also wondered about that round thing she’s sitting next to in her photograph. She told me it’s a trampoline, and her humans use this to jump up and down in one place. (Hmmm, that sounds about as puzzling as the yoga one of my humans does. Why someone would want to be upside down and twisted up like a pretzel is beyond me! Humans sometimes do weird things.) Oh, maybe she could use that trampoline to jump into the trees and catch some evil squirrels. That’s what I would do with it. She replied that she was too dignified to do that, and besides, her human is now skilled enough at jumping to do the job for her. Now that I think about it, one of my humans uses a ladder to climb up in the tree so that he can knock out that unsightly squirrel's nest every now and then, and sometimes blasts it with the hose too. Imagine the destructive power he could wield if he put the ladder on the trampoline and took the hose up with him! That would scare the crap out of those despicable squirrels. Bwa ha ha ha ha! No squirrel will come within miles of our house ever again, and then Joey dog and I could lounge around on a pillow like Lady. Wow, great idea Lady! Hooray! And that's a memo.

Here I am practicing my climbing skills. I think Lady's trampoline-ladder-hosing idea will work better.



Thursday, August 1, 2013

Phony Bologna Scandal




Hello. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens.

Today, we will do an exercise in doggie logic. The president says all the scandals that have been going around in the past few months are phony bologna. OK, what do telephones have to do with bologna? Is there a new type of smart phone made out of luncheon meat? I guess that wouldn’t be a bad idea. After you’re done yaking with your friends on your break, you can eat your phone for lunch. I consulted my esteemed colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, chairman of the Yum Yum Coalition, and he said that wouldn’t work. We doggies would be more likely to just eat the phone without using it as a communication device. Then it would go through our doggie digestive system and end up in our backyard. I don’t think the NSA would be too happy about that, especially if we ate a whole bunch of broccoli the day before. After that, the infamous CCC (Conniving Chipmunk Consortium) or the evil Squirrel Cartel might steal them and then be able to listen in on our phone calls. What a disaster that would be to our national security! Oh, but then you could turn it around on them and use the GPS to locate and destroy their headquarters. In other words, our phony bologna would be turned into doggie poop spy drones! Boom! Leaves and sticks and fur would be flying everywhere! Bwa ha ha ha ha! Isn’t technology great? But then, lets take this one step further. Who would market it: Oscar Meyer or Verizon? Sounds like a big legal battle might ensue over this. Next, the EPA will come around and ban them and spoil all our fun. And the FDA will say that we cannot be putting phony ingredients in our bologna. It would then turn into a big scandal that would be talked about and deeply analyzed in minute detail by every TV station, a congressional investigation would have to be initiated, Rand Paul would do a filibuster about it, and finally, the president would have to make a big speech saying he is closely monitoring the situation. Therefore, according to doggie logic, I have defined what the president means by a phony bologna scandal. (Where the heck does our president come up with these crackpot ideas anyway?) And that’s a memo.

Whew, that was a lot of work!
So where do I sign up for one of those yum yum bologna phones?