Friday, May 31, 2013

String Theory

Hi everybody! I’m Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and this is The Daily Bone.

There is a TV show my humans have been watching called Dr. Who. This is an example of science fiction, which means it’s about what someone thinks the future might be like according to science. There is a guy who flies around through time and space in a box that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside. For some reason, there are always evil aliens intent on destroying the Earth, the Universe in general, or London in particular. Many of these aliens especially enjoy crawling into peoples’ brains and messing them up. The show features lots of intense music and the characters are constantly in a state of extreme crisis. I’ve given up trying to imagine how this Doctor manages to break every rule of logic, science, and physics. My humans say that it’s because he’s from the future and has figured out how to conquer all that stuff; and besides, it’s all just pretend anyway.

It seems humans love to pretend, but we doggies don’t understand that concept. In fact, we find it quite despicable when one of our humans pretends to throw the squeaky ball, when he actually has it hidden behind his back. The Easter Bunny, those weirdo  Halloween invaders, and the big fat guy who says ho ho ho all the time are more examples of pretending. My astute colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I both agree, humans dressed in costumes are just scary and therefore should be barked at, or at least regarded with extreme suspicion and skepticism. Furthermore, the humans spend so much time watching TV that Joey dog and I wonder how they can tell what is real and what is pretend.

I heard somewhere that String Theory has something to do with alternate dimensions and universes. So I thought maybe if I studied that, then I might understand how Dr. Who can step into the front door of his special box that’s parked in someone’s backyard, and then step out and be suddenly inside of an airplane that’s crashing into London. I spent a whole hour seriously contemplating a string. I ran around with it, gave it a good shake, chewed on it for a while, and then just stared at it. I can truthfully conclude that it absolutely did not transport me to another dimension. Humph! This is going to take some further study, but not until after a nice long nap! And that’s a memo.    



But what if it did? How would I know? 



Thursday, May 30, 2013

Demadog



Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. As you know, I’m chairman of the Squeaky Party where we believe that squeaky toys make the world a better place.

Today’s vocabulary word is: demagogue. This is a politician who wins votes by telling people only what they want to hear, and making promises that are unrealistic when you really think about them. But he’s betting that the general population is ignorant enough to believe what he says and promises. If you do your research, you’ll find out that apparently this has been in use as a political ploy since the ancient Greeks. And so, I finally figured out why I didn’t win the election last November. It seems the people wanted a demagogue, rather than a demadog, for president. Or maybe it was a demigod?

Another term I’ve heard a lot lately is left-wing and right-wing. I don’t quite get that. What does politics have to do with birds? I would think a bird couldn’t fly if both its wings don’t work together. Or maybe it has to do with chicken wings. Yum. I don’t think it matters if you eat left wings or right wings, but I suggest you try it and see if it makes any difference. Let me know what you find out. Grilled chicken feet taste good too, by the way. I never stopped to find out if I was eating a left or a right one. Neither did my culinary associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens. He said he would be glad to have the Yum Yum Coalition do some research on that, but they lost their funding due to the sequester.

I have been hearing a lot of news about North Koreans lately too. What are they so mad about all the time, anyway? I propose we start bombing them as soon as possible. There is nothing better than a preemptive strike on an aggressive nation. However, before you get all uptight about wars and killing, if you remember my interview with Fox News last Fall, you’d remember that I said we should fill the missiles with squeaky toys. Just think about that for a minute. I think that crazy guy in Iran could use a few squeaky toys too. Peace and squeaky toys to all! And that’s a memo.

Giant Squeaky Toy?



This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the squeaky party. We believe the world would be a better place if everybody had a squeaky toy!

The strangest thing happened today. A couple of my humans came over with what I thought was a giant squeaky toy. I mean, it made squeaky noises, and was nestled inside soft, fuzzy cushions and blankets. Of course, in my house the policy is that all incoming squeaky toys are to be remanded to my custody immediately for inspection and squeaky removal. That’s my job, and I take it very seriously. But, as much as I barked and demanded it be given to me, I was not allowed to touch it. I spent at least an hour in total confusion. My humans kept passing it around and talking to it, and reminding me continuously to stop barking and whining.

Bark, bark, bark! It’s a squeaky toy, and I’m supposed to have it. That’s the rule. Why isn’t anyone following the rule? This is an outrage! Bark, bark, bark! I don’t understand!

Finally, after much effort to control my curiosity and mounting anxiety, I was able to take a closer look at the special squeaky toy. To my surprise, it had eyes, and tiny hands. It had ears that when I licked them, tasted exactly like a human’s ears. It had breath that smelled like it had been eating a milk product of some kind. My much more patient and less excitable associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, founder of the local Yum Yum Coalition, and resident breath analysis expert, confirmed my finding on this. It made funny little noises that didn’t sound like a standard squeaky toy. After a while, I realized that this was, in fact, a miniature human. Wow, I didn’t know they came in such a small size! How very interesting. So I guess things turned out all right after all. And that’s a memo.


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Early TDBs

Stress

Hello, ladies and gentlemen and doggies. This is The Daily Bone, and I am your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. We believe squeaky toys will save the world!

You know, I think the humans like being under stress. I would think going to work, driving through rush-hour traffic, cooking, cleaning and shopping for food is enough excitement for any one person. But it seems they spend the rest of their time watching television. In fact, the first thing they do in the morning is turn on the television and watch the news. This is filled with horrifying stories of the North Koreans planning to nuke the world, the financial disaster our country is in, and the sixteen trillion dollar debt. This week there has been wall to wall coverage of that terrible bombing. Then there are fires, floods, earthquakes, storms, bank collapses, and, of course, the infamous and ever popular Sequester. With all this in mind, they then rush off to work where they battle the forces of chaos all day. When they come home, they watch more TV news. This is followed by programs about detectives solving heinous crimes, or tension-filled contests where the winner is only announced after at least ten commercials. If they don’t have enough of this to create stress, they tune into shows about monsters, like vampires, zombies, and aliens that attack people, destroy cities, and even have their own teenage identity crisis problems. Even programs about cute little penguins or monkeys will have that final pinch about global warming and climate change for you to worry about.

Come on, people! What you need is a squeaky toy! Yes, that’s right: a squeaky toy. Don’t turn on that television. Go outside and play fetch the squeaky ball with your doggie. If it’s raining out, then play indoors. Go to work, come home, and then forget about it. Yes, it’s good to stay informed on the problems of the world, and you can usually do that with a one hour news cast. But it’s also good to have dinner, take a nap, and then go for a walk with your doggie. Don’t forget to have one more session of squeaky toy play before going to bed to sleep for the night. I guarantee you will be stress free for the rest of your life. What’s more, you’ll sleep like a baby. And that’s a memo.



TV Ads                                                                               

Hello. I’m Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and your humble doggie host for The Daily Bone.

Today I want to talk about TV commercials. It seems half of what you see on TV is nothing but commercials. If you really pay attention, these ads can be quite frightening. There are bone chilling predictions of what could happen if you don’t get enough calcium and vitamins, or use the wrong moisturizer, deodorant, or toothpaste. Tree limbs will fall on top of your car, your house might be infested with termites, little green blob monsters will have parties in your lungs, tiny lines and wrinkles can form around your eyes, your hair will get split ends, and germs will take over your toilet and counter tops, and even your mouth. Oh my! Cars blow up into thousands of computer-generated pieces, or smash into brick walls, and then come back together again. Then there are the ads for medicines. Do you think you have a terrible disease? Well, there is a drug for that. Demand that your doctor prescribe it for you immediately, but watch out for all the deadly side-effects. If you get one, no problem. There are a plethora of lawyers ready to sue the heck out of those darn drug manufacturers! The funniest thing is when there is a commercial for a diet product, followed by an ad for deep fried chicken fingers. (Chickens have fingers???) There is a witch flying around in a broomstick factory, and that giggling dough boy gets frisked at the airport. Hurry up and buy stocks, gold, and silver before the entire economy collapses, and we end up living in the street! I like the barbarians, though. I just might call the one who has a home security company. I could use a moat full of alligators. It would save me the bother of barking at those weirdo Halloween invaders. 

My esteemed colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I had a discussion about TV commercials. We agree that there are not enough ads for doggie food and yum yum treats. The flea ads give us the creeps. There is not a single ad for squirrel extermination. And, I have yet to see an ad for the most important commodity of all: squeaky toys! And that’s a memo.


Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans

 Hello, friends! This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens.

Wow, there sure has been a lot of bad news on the TV lately! There was a murder trial, where a person was convicted of stabbing another person twenty-seven times, then shooting him, and, well, you probably know the rest. A crazy guy kidnapped three girls and kept them imprisoned for ten years. There is still a lot of intrigue and speculation about that attack in Libya, and about the Boston Bombing. And then there is that murder trial of that doctor … I’m not going to say any more. I’m sure you have already heard it all and have been as horrified as I was.

So I changed the channel and started watching Animal Planet instead of the news. There were lots of sad stories about abused and neglected animals, including doggies, but people are trying very hard to rescue these and find them new and better homes, or return them to the wild and save them from becoming extinct. It seems to me that the humans care more about animals than their own kind. Therefore, I propose a new charity, run entirely by doggies and other wonderful pets who live with humans and take good care of them. We should call it the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans, or SPCH. As I’ve pointed out in my TDB series about super heroes, doggies were present to help with the investigation of many terrible crimes and disasters. They sniff out dangerous chemicals like drugs and explosives, help find people who might have been trapped underneath a collapsed building, or help the police catch criminals. Why can’t doggies be in charge of stopping these things before they happen?

Now, I heard the next step to take is to get tax exempt status from the IRS … Oh, oh … They might find out that I’m a little bit on the conservative side … and then give me tons of papers to sign, and then come to my house and want to see my squeaky toys, and then take five years to approve my good idea....................................................................................................................Harumph!


Spinning

Hi everyone! This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your dizzy doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. Hang onto your squeaky toys because your head will soon be spinning!

Today’s vocabulary word is “spin.” It used to mean to turn around and around, like a wheel. But these days, it takes on a whole new meaning. Now it means to take some bad news and make it look good, or to take some good news and make it look bad, or to take bad news and make it look worse, or to take good news and make it look better, or to skip it altogether and just talk about cute, fuzzy things like puppies and birdies and the latest diet craze. It can also be used to take credit for something good that you actually had nothing to do with, or to make it look like you had nothing to do with something bad, or blame someone else for it. Dizzy yet?

Politicians and the media have turned spinning into a fine art. So how can we tell if something is true or if it’s being given a spin? For one thing, consider the source. If every television channel reports that there is a volcano erupting in Italy, then it’s probably true. But if you see a celebrity say the volcano is erupting because of global warming, fracking or Republicans, then it’s probably a spin. If a politician says something is a good idea, then turns around a month later and says it isn’t, then he’s spinning. It’s kind of like chasing your tail. It’s funny for a while, but then you just look like a weirdo and get your picture put on http://www.shameddog.com/

OK, so I’m going to give spinning a try. Do you see that pee pee on the floor in the corner? I have no idea how it got there. Perhaps my elderly associate Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens might be having a little problem because of his age. We’ll have to give it a good sniff and take some time to analyze it properly. Maybe we should send it to a lab for DNA testing and then set up a Congressional subcommittee to investigate further. Or, try this: I saw an ant there and so I had to do something quick about it before the whole colony came charging up through that little crack in the corner over there. Oh, and it’s not so bad. It will dry up soon and then no one will even know it’s there. Except for us doggies and our sensitive sense of smell. It’s good practice for us to have old pee spots to keep sniffing skills sharp. Hey, with all this global warming and fracking to worry about—and what about those darn Republicans?—a doggie can’t help but be nervous.

But you know what? That leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Bleah!




I think I’m better off saying, yes, it was I who made that pee pee in the corner. I’m sorry about that and I’ll try my best not to do it again. Now that’s called taking personal responsibility. If everybody would be honest about things, the world would be a better place. And that’s a memo.



                                                                     I am not elderly!
FLASHBACK

Here are a few TDBs that I wrote while I was running for President last Fall.

Nap Time
                                
Good afternoon, and thank you for joining us on The Daily Bone. I'm your host, Chester L. W. Stephens, Registered Cocker Spaniel, and chairman of the Squeaky Party. Squeaky Toys For All!

In my campaign for president, I have been asked repeatedly what I think would be the best solution to anger and violence in this world. I have several excellent solutions, which you have heard me say many times before, but today I'm taking a closer look at one of my favorites: nap time.

It is generally known that lack of sleep results in fatigue, irritability, anger, frustration, inability to focus on and cope with tasks or deal with others, and downright grumpiness. After observing the recent violence in the Middle East, I couldn't help but notice that the riots continued into all hours of the night. These people are obviously not getting enough sleep. I suggest regular nap times for them. Every three or four hours, they should simply lay down and go to sleep. They will be amazed at how much better they feel afterward. Furthermore, they might even realize that whatever they were so angry about doesn't seem quite as bad after a good sleep.

Many might complain that there is no place to take a nap in the middle of the day, at work, or in the midst of a riot. I say, nonsense. While a soft blanket, a comfortable doggie bed, or the nearest couch are the most ideal sleeping spots, I have found a nice cool floor works just as well. My erudite companion, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens is known to have taken naps on the grass in the back yard. In addition, sleeping in the company of a good friend, relative, comrade, or even fellow protester, makes the experience even better. A fun romp with a squeaky toy after a good nap, and the majority of the world's problems will disappear! And that's a memo.


Mud

Welcome to another edition of The Daily Bone. I am your host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party, and presidential candidate. A vote for Chester, is a vote for squeaky toys for all!

Election day is almost here. I have been watching TV anxiously to see how I am doing in the race for the presidency. However, all I ever see are ads that my humans call mud slinging. I try to look carefully for the mud, but I never actually see it. Perhaps the humans are confused about what mud is. My backyard right now is full of mud. After the summer drought, and then weeks of torrential rainfall, many areas that are usually covered with grass, have turned into mud. Mud is that soft, dark brown stuff that dirt becomes after it rains a lot. If you still can’t figure out what it is, I have enclosed a photo below in which I am looking at genuine mud.

I have no problem with mud. I get it on my feet all the time, especially if there are evil squirrels to chase off my property. When I go back into the house, though, I have to jump into the bathtub—which I also enjoy—and wash it off, and that’s the end of that. Until I go out again.

So, as far as I’m concerned, mud is OK. I don’t understand how it will win or loose an election, except to “muddy” the issues. So therefore, I will use this opportunity to make my political position perfectly clear: everyone should have a squeaky toy. Squeaky toys, even if they’re covered with mud, make everyone laugh and forget about their anger and angst. America needs squeaky toys, and so does the rest of the world. Peace and squeaky toys for all!


The Day Before Election Day

Good evening, and welcome to another edition of The Daily Bone. I'm your host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. Our slogan is: Squeaky toys for all!

Well, it's the last day before the great presidential election, and it has been busy! In an effort to save the environment, the Halloween pumpkins have all been tossed into the compost pile in the far corner of the yard. However, the evil Squirrel Cartel has discovered them. They have been pilfering pumpkin seeds and smuggling them across the border all day! My associate, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, and I have been hard at work, maintaining constant surveillance, carrying out innumerable high speed chases, and getting mud on our feet in our relentless mission to keep the yard clear of these malicious invaders. According to our Intelligence sources, there is a distinct possibility that the secretive Bunny Militia will take over these heinous thefts after dark. Doubtless, we will have a busy night too.

I have also been keeping an eye on the television to monitor the election campaign. I really don't understand how the other candidates can spend all their time just standing around and yakking amidst throngs of people, when there is so much real work to do! What this country needs is more citizens like us who actually make a difference in the safety and protection of our great nation, and don't mind getting good and muddy while doing it. We earn our squeaky toys. So, less yap, more work, and squeaky toys for all!

Please remember to vote tomorrow.


Election Results

Welcome to The Daily Bone. I am your host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party.

I have been thinking very hard about what to say about not winning this election. It seems no matter what I say, it would sound like I’m a sore loser. Perhaps I don’t entirely understand politics. I thought that telling people about all the good things that can happen because of squeaky toys would be something everybody would like. But it seemed that people only wanted to talk about terrible things that could happen if this guy or that guy was elected. It’s not nice to call your opponents names, and make up bad things about them in order to make yourself look better. It’s also not nice to promise to give things to people that you don’t even have, or aren’t yours to give. There is something very wrong about this.

It only reinforces what I’ve always said: squeaky toys would make people happy, and then they wouldn’t feel like being mean to each other. Think of all the problems that could be solved when people are happy, instead of angry and sad. What a wonderful mission it would be to be able to buy and sell and trade squeaky toys throughout the entire world! Why wouldn’t people want to buy squeaky toys for everyone they love? Think of all the jobs it would create! Imagine what would happen if everyone bought squeaky toys to give as presents to people all over the world.

I’ve been very sad and perplexed about the results of the election. So, my humans bought me a new squeaky toy, and now I’m all happy again. See how well it works? Therefore I will continue to spread the word about the joy of squeaky toys. After all the viciousness of this year’s elections, it’s obvious that people need squeaky toys more than ever. And that’s a memo!



More Flashbacks

Here is a flashback to a few of my older editions of TDB, written last Fall. At that time, I was just thinking about the problems our great nation is facing, and using my doggie logic to suggest solutions.
                                                   
Recycling

Good afternoon, and welcome to The Daily Bone. I'm your host, Chester, L. W. Stephens, Registered Cocker Spaniel, and chairman of the Squeaky Party. We support interest in squeaky toys, and believe everyone should have one.

Our topic today is recycling. With all the brouhaha about the environment these days, a doggie might ask himself, what can I do to save the Earth? I mean, besides contributing totally, 100% organic fertilizer to the grass and garden. One thing is recycling boxes. Humans often complain that most shipping boxes are too big to fit in the recycling bin, and it's a lot of trouble to cut down these boxes into smaller sizes. However, for a doggie, breaking down a cardboard box is easy and fun. Yours truly can render a large box to small pieces in about ten minutes. The best technique for this is to stand inside the box. Your own weight will hold the box in place while you remove the flaps and then the sides. See photo below. Now all the human has to do is pick up the small pieces and place them in the recycling bin. And that's a memo.



Gas

Thank you for joining me for another edition of The Daily Bone, where our slogan is "Squeaky Toys For All!" I'm your host Chester L. W. Stephens, Registered Cocker Spaniel, and chairman of the Squeaky Party. With me today is my esteemed colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, Registered Cocker Spaniel, and founder of the local Yum Yum Coalition, where yum yums are serious business.

Lately, I've gotten several questions about natural gas. Should it be used more as a fuel, and should we use a controversial technique called fracking to get it from deep below the ground? I have a simple answer to all these questions: Broccoli. Contrary to popular belief, doggies love vegetables, especially broccoli. The best part is the stem, which most humans usually throw out. According to Joey dog, research has shown that a daily serving of raw broccoli stems will provide enough gas to cook your broccoli every day. Don't forget to give your doggies the leftovers too! And that's a memo.

Please remember to vote on election day. A vote for Chester, is a vote for squeaky toys for everybody!



Cats

Hello. This is Chester L. W. Stephens, Chairman of the Squeaky Party, and this is The Daily Bone. Welcome one and all.

As more and more citizens become aware of the Squeaky Party and our slogan, Squeaky Toys for Everybody, Except Cats, there have been suggestions that our anti-cat position is discrimination. So I decided to ask my resident cat, Maddie, what she thinks about squeaky toys. She says that although squeaky toys are not her favorite type of plaything, many other cats like them very much. Therefore, I will remove that part of our slogan. After all, the essence of the Squeaky Party is for as many citizens as possible to experience the joy of squeaky toys, thus promoting world peace, and cats are citizens too.



Furthermore, in my conversation with Maddie cat, I have come to the conclusion that doggies and cats have a few things in common. First, is bird watching. Every home should have a window through which cats and doggies can enjoy this sport. Having a bird feeder right inside the window is even better. Another sport we both enjoy is catching bugs. In fact, we have signed a treaty that says we will work together to rid the house of any flying or crawling insects. I have not, however, agreed not to steal any squeaky cat toys that show up in my territory.

Peace and Squeaky Toys for All! Please vote for Chester L. W. Stephens, Registered Cocker Spaniel, for president.

Cat toy? What cat toy?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Very First TDB

Welcome to The Daily Bone. I am your distinguished doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party.

I have been writing The Daily Bone since the Fall of 2012. I sent it to a select group of friends, who have now become loyal fans. For the benefit of those just signing on to TDB, here is a little history.

Back during the presidential elections, my humans and I were sitting around watching the news. There were stories going on and on about the Democratic Party, the Republican Party, and the whatever else party. They all had their opinions on how to solve the most important problems facing our great nation. Suddenly, someone said, "what if Chester ran for president?" I had been sitting quietly, admiring my favorite squeaky ball, when someone suggested that I could be the chairman of the Squeaky Party. Now, how would the Squeaky Party solve all those terrible problems? With squeaky toys, of course! The more we thought about it, the more ideas we came up with on exactly how squeaky toys could save the world. So, here is the very first edition of The Daily Bone:






This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. Glad you could make it today

Today I want to present a section of an interview I had with the national news channel Fox (foxes are doggies too!) in which I was asked to express the views of the Squeaky Party on various important issues. Here are some highlights from this conversation:

Fox: What is your plan for improving the flagging economy and providing jobs?
Chester: More squeaky toys! Increasing the production of squeaky toys will provide jobs and create important items for trade with other countries.

Fox: What about the unrest in the Middle East?
Chester: Send them squeaky toys. They will soon forget what they are so angry about!

Fox: What is your solution to rising gasoline prices?
Chester: Stay at home and play with your doggie.

Fox: What should we do about nuclear weapons?
Chester: Fill the missiles with squeaky toys instead.

Fox: Is there anything that you believe can't be achieved by squeaky toys?
Chester: No.

Fox: Some critics might say this is an unrealistic approach.
Chester: What's more realistic than playing with squeaky toys?

And that's a memo. 





Thank You Super Fan!

Welcome to all my super friends! I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, and this the is the super edition of The Daily Bone.

My super smart colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens made a comment about my last two editions of The Daily Bone about super heroes. He says we don’t have to invent super heroes. We already are super heroes! After all, we single handedly guard the house from the Evil Squirrel Cartel, the Weirdo Trick-or-treater Syndicate, Pizza Guy, Mail Delivery Man, Schwann Man, Noisy Neighbor Dude, and a whole host of other miscreants who come to our house and yard. It’s a 24/7 job, and we have an unblemished record of success. In addition, Joey dog considers it his job to remind our humans when there’s food on the counter that isn’t getting eaten. I’m sure he would be glad to dispose of it personally by eating it, and routinely consumes all the left over vegetables offered. Imagine how much food would be wasted if it wasn’t for him!

I have been watching the news for the last few weeks, and believe me, there has been no shortage of crimes, explosions, fires, floods, disasters and mayhem. If you look closely at the crime fighting forces on the scenes, you can count on seeing doggies! During the hunt for the Boston Bomber, there were doggies helping to locate him. Yes, super hero doggies are on the job, sniffing out explosives, drugs, and other dangerous substances, and finding victims in the midst of vast and unpredictable chaos. Hooray for them!

I have an additional job which I take very seriously, and that is checking all the incoming packages and mail. (Meanwhile, Special Agent Joey dog, has the important responsibility of inspecting groceries.) With all the terrorism going on these days, you can’t be too careful about what comes into the house! It’s a good thing too. Today I discovered a box that was filled with, not six, not seven, but eight squeaky toys! I took it upon myself to inspect each one thoroughly. As I was conducting my investigation my humans informed me that this was actually a present for me from one of my fans. I have fans? Wow! I guess that really makes me a super hero! Thank you very much super fan! I am totally thrilled! And that’s a memo.






Monday, May 27, 2013

No Ironing Board Man?

Hi everybody, and welcome to The Daily Bone. I’m your doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens.

My humans have explained to me that there is no Ironing Board Man. It’s supposed to be Iron Man, and he is a snarky guy in an iron suit who flies around fighting evil. There is a computer thingy inside the iron suit too, that tells him all kinds of pertinent information, like his fuel status, the proximity of his foes, and probably if his underwear needs changing. That all sounds rather crowded and stinky to me! Kind of like barking in a bucket and then having to smell your own dog breath.

But, you know what? I really like the idea of Ironing Board Man. I mean, imagine how much damage can be done to a villain if a rickety ironing board collapses on top of him, then the hot iron hits him on the head and he gets buried in wrinkled laundry. That sounds pretty devastating to me. Hmmph! I usually stay far away from the ironing board for just that reason. My crime fighting partner, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens agrees whole heartedly. The ironing board is one of the most scary things in the whole house. We’re glad it spends most of its time folded up in the laundry room. When one of our humans gets it out and unfolds it, it makes such a horrible clattering sound. Be afraid evil Squirrel Cartel. Be very afraid. Ironing Board Man is going to flatten all of your twitching, bushy tails! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Well anyway, the whole point of super heroes is to pretend. With all the terrible things happening in the world today, it’s nice to think someone with super powers is at least going to help us out of our worst predicaments. There is no rule anywhere that says I can’t make up my own super hero. So therefore, I’m going to write a fan letter to Ironing Board Man, just as soon as I can figure out how to open this envelope. And that’s a memo.

Oh, and here is that link to extreme ironing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njHE4S-HD3I







Summer Super Hero Time

Hello one and all to The Daily Bone, where we discuss important current issues from the doggie point of view. I am your humble doggie host Chester L. W. Stephens. We also talk about squeaky toys.

Wow! There are so many things to talk about, I can’t think of where to start. It’s finally spring! Yeah, really this time. That means there are commercials for the new summer blockbuster movies about super heroes. There is one guy called, I think, Ironing Board Man. The only thing I know about ironing boards is that they’re rather rickety and have a heavy thing on top that might be hot, and usually a big pile of clothes. I’m not sure how he will save the world, but it sounds so exciting. I hear the actor who plays this character is famous for being snarky. No wonder everyone hates to iron! Oh, but maybe he’s one of those extreme ironing fans. If you don’t believe me, check out this website. (below) In that case, perhaps the villain in the movie might be called the evil Dr. Rumpledshirt! Anyway, movies like that are said to bring in millions of dollars.

Maybe I should invent a super hero. I could certainly use a million dollars. With all the bad stuff going on these days, the world could use as many of these as possible. The world could also use more squeaky toys, as I’ve been saying for the better part of a year now! How about Squeaky Toy Man? But that doesn’t seem doggie enough. Besides, if I had a super hero squeaky toy thing, I would probably chew it to tatters and take the squeaky out. That’s standard operations around here. My secret stash is full of my beloved chewed up toys. My humans played a joke on me yesterday. They gave me an orange. I was totally confused. It was round and rolled, just like my favorite squeaky ball, but it didn’t squeak. When I picked it up, it tasted terrible. Blah! Doggies hate citrus fruit! This is just the kind of dastardly behavior we need super heroes to save us from. OK, Ironing Board Man, I’m looking for you!